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Fantasy Recap Week 6…

Why hello there!  If you are 6-0 at this point in the Fantasy Football season, just know that you are lucky assholes or that everybody else in your league sucks…or a combination of both of these.  At this point, your team is either a source of full on joy every Monday/Tuesday morning or just pure unadulterated disappointment.  Look at the standings, and look at the team in 6th place.  See how far back you are on them.  If it’s 1 or 2 games, you still got a shot at this!  If it’s more than that, then figure out a way to get everyone’s passwords and start trading players to your team!  And with that folks, our do-ers and don’t-ers of week 6!

Stars of the Week

QB – Aaron Rodgers – 6 TD’s.  I don’t need to say much else.

RB – Shonn Greene – 3 TD’s.  The first and last time a Jets player will be on this list.  His first and last name are spelled wrong, just saying.

RB – Ahmad Bradshaw – 116 yards and a TD against the 49ers defense.  Kudos to you sir.

WR – Jordy Nelson – 9 catches, 121 yards 3 TD’s.  How pissed off do you think the Texans’ cornerbacks were that a white dude was zooming by them catching TD’s all game?

WR – Wes Welker  – 10 catches, 138 yards, TD.  That’s not including the big ass hit he took in the first half.  And yes, this is probably the first and only time 2 white WR will make the Stars team.  I’m not racist, I’m just saying Ben Affleck’s aren’t typically doing big thangs on the same week  (“You white, you Be Affleck”).

RB/WR – AJ Green – 7 catches, 135 yards, 2 TDs.  For the record he isn’t white.  They still somehow lost this game.

TE – Antonio Gates – 6 catches, 81 yards, 2 TDs.  And he was sitting on my bench, because he hadn’t done shit the past few weeks.

K – Jason Hanson – 4 FGs.  2 XP.  Solid day old man.  21 years in the league.  My kids will be kickers dammit!

DEF – Denver Broncos – This award really should go to Philip Rivers, but hey they did it to him. 4 sacks, 4 INTs, 2 Fumble recoveries and 2 TD’s.

Assholes of the Week (I call it like I see it)

QB – Philip Rivers – 4 INT’s and 2 Fumbles.  Led directly to 2 defensive TD’s.  And you cost me a win this week asshole!

RB – Marshawn Lynch – 41 yards?  More like Least Mode son.

RB – Michael Turner – 33 yards…God you suck.

WR –  Miles Austin – 2 catches, 31 yards.  Got the big money and sucks.  There is a reason he wasn’t drafted high in real life.  That reason is he sucks in real life.

WR – Dwayne Bowe – 3 catches 25 yards.  Not all his fault…his QB is Brady Quinn.

RB/WR – Stevan Ridley – 34 yards.  It was raining, why the hell did the Pats throw the ball so damn much??

TE – Vernon Davis – 3 catches 37 yards.  Guess the Giants figured out how to stop you since that playoff game huh?

K – David Akers – 1 made FG, 2 missed FG.  Asshole!

DEF – Indianapolis Colts – They made the JETS look good.  Do you know how bad you have to be to do that???

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Josh Gordon – Cleveland Browns.  Supplemental pick leading to fantasy sleeper.  Get him now folks!

So, so true.

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Fantasy Recap Week 5…

5-0, 4-1, 3-2, 2-3, 1-4, 0-5….you’re one of these.  If it’s the last 2, just make sure you set your lineups for the rest of the year so that you don’t give anybody any easy wins, otherwise you’re good to just casually observe.  For the rest of us, we’ll just look forward to playing your shitty teams every week. Seriously though, there is no reason for you to be 1-4 or 0-5 unless you realllllly suck or you just have bad luck with the scheduling.  If it’s the latter, good luck tryna win the rest of your games to make the playoffs…or just pray you are in a league with a bunch of idiots and you actually legit have a shot.  5-0 and 4-1 don’t get too cocky, you ain’t in the clear just yet.  The magical number for most leagues is 7 for a 12-team league and 8 for a 10-team league, so get to the 7 or 8 win total and that will guarantee you a playoff spot. And now to our friends and enemies of the past week…

Stars of the Week

QB – Drew Brees – He killed it 370 yards and 4 TD’s, broke the record for consecutive games with a TD, and won the game too (only because the refs pretty much guaranteed there was no way in hell the Chargers were winning that game)

WR – Reggie Wayne – Wow, where was this last year?? Oh you didn’t have a QB, ok ok…13 catches, 212 yards and a TD.  Bravo sir, bravo

WR – Marques Colston – He’d have a bajillion TD’s if he didn’t drop the ball so damn much, but 9 catches 131 yards and 3 TDs is a glorious day.

RB – Ahmad Bradshaw – 200 yards and a TD…so much for Andre Brown doing something relevant.

RB – Arian Foster – 152 yards and a TD…typical day at the office.

WR/RB – Percy Harvin – 8 catches 108 yards 1 TD, 8 rushing yards 1 TD…I love you Percy…

TE – Tony Gonzalez – 13 catches 123 yards 1 TD… I hate your guts Tony G…please make note this was against my Redskins…ugh

K – Blair Walsh – Hit 3 FGs and 3 Extra Points… He’s a kicker, he did his job.

DEF – Chicago Bears – 2 TDs again this week…another dominating performance…

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because let’s face it, these douchebags suck)

QB – RG3 – I love you man, but freaking slide, I don’t need to see you leaving games early both for real life football and fantasy!

RB – Fred Jackson – Hey guy, just get hurt already so that CJ Spiller can kill it again! Or you can stay healthy and provide us with 29 rushing yards…

RB – Maurice Jones-Drew – 56 yards…your team sucks, this actually isn’t your fault.

WR – Andre Johnson – 1 catch 15 yards.  THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL SCHAUB!

WR – Mike Wallace – 2 catches 17 yards. What is this shit???

RB/WR – Chris Johnson – You guys thought I forgot about this asshole.  Nope, I’m not even looking up his stats because I just know that he sucked.

TE – Antonio Gates – 3 catches 19 yards.  I blame the refs partly for this, taking away a few of his catches with bullshit penalties.

K – Mason Crosby – In most formats, you amounted to 1 fantasy point.  You suck kid!

DEF – Buffalo Bills – Gave up 300 yards passing and rushing to the 49ers! Alex Smith is their QB, how is that even possible!?

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Vick Ballard – Who? yep, go with it folks, your new starting RB for the Andrew Luck(y) Colts.

Admit it, you are this guy on Sundays….

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Fantasy Recap Week 4…

“They are who we thought they were”

– Coach Dennis Green

That pretty much sums up your Fantasy Football teams at this point.  I’m sure you can come up with a million excuses as to why you are 0-4 or 1-3, but nobody really cares because you are 0-4 or 1-3.  To become relevant you have to win 7 to 8 of your last 9 games, when your ass may have only won once thus far.  Good luck with that.  So in summary, if you are 0-4 or 1-3 at this point in the season, you suck… that is all. If you are at 2-2 you are still in it, but every win or loss from here on out will be agonizing.  Those of you at 3-1 are some cocky assholes.  You aren’t in the clear yet, but you’ve done something right (except for you Mando, this shit won’t last).  And those of you at 4-0, you pretty much should make the playoffs barring some unfortunate injuries.  The 4-0 thing goes for everyone except for 2 special people, Mo (you’re probably looking at a 4-9 season son) and Abe (you’ll prob finish 5-8, you’ve already played the cupcake part of your schedule).  Otherwise my statements are 100% true 99% of the time.  And now onto our Heroes and Zeroes of the past week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Aaron Rodgers – 319 Yards and 4 TD’s…It’s about time you played like the first round pick you were.

RB – Michael Turner – 171 all purpose yards and a TD.  First receiving TD of his career. Thanks for showing up.

RB – Marshawn Lynch – Beastmode did work again.  155 all purpose yards and a TD.  HMD!!

WR – Brett Hartline – Sounds like a wrestlers name.  12 catches 253 yards and a touchdown.  I’m pretty sure those were his SEASON stats last year.

WR – Roddy White – 8 catches, 169 yards, 2 Touchdowns.  Some of his success should go to the atrocious Panthers secondary though.

RB/WR – Andre Roberts – Who? 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TD’s.  Cardinals are 4-0.  Sadly, nobody knows who this guy is even now.

TE – Greg Olsen – 6 catches, 89 yards, 1 TD.  The Panthers bright spot.  This asshole killed me this week in fantasy.

K – Greg Zuerlein – Young G Z.  Kick from 58, good, kick from 60 plus, good.  Do work son, do work.

DEF – Chicago Bears – Thank you Tony Romo for your performance as “QB attempting to look like Jay Cutler this week”  5 INT’s for the bears, 2 TD’s, lots of points.

Assholes of the Week (assholes because they played like shit)

QB – Tony Romo – He  was so bad he got mentioned twice today.  5 interceptions.  Someone test this idiot for color blindness, he seemed to find more open guys for the other team than his.

RB – Doug Martin – Thanks for all 33 yards you got…oh and for letting LaGarette Blount get a touchdown…everybody LOVED that…

RB – BenJarvus Green-Ellis – The Lawfirm, fumbled twice..for those keeping score that 3 fumbles in his last 2 games.  That’s exactly 3 more than he had in his entire career up until this season.

WR –  Julio Jones – 1 catch. ONE. I’m not even giving you credit for your yardage asshole.  Don’t do this shit to me again!

WR – Andre Johnson – 3 catches, 56 yards.  I know the Texans don’t need to throw, but dammit, throw him the ball!

RB/WR – Steve Smith – Wooohooo Panthers!! Way to go Smitty, next time instead of telling your young QB to grow up, how bout working on him getting you the ball more.

TE – Dennis Pitta – Zip, zero, nada.  No points.  Well played sir.

K – Ryan Succop – 2 extra points.  Star to asshole in one week.  Football is fickle.

DEF – Buffalo Bills – 2 100 yard runners against them.  Blew a 21-7 lead.  Nobody is circling any wagons.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Rashard Mendenhall – Coming off of an ACL surgery and a bye week, he should finally see action this week. Due to the less than stellar performance of the Steelers’ RB’s thus far, he will probably be starting next week.  If he’s available scoop him up.

Not gonna lie, this is probably an accurate statement.

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Fantasy Football

Tonight I have a Fantasy Football draft with the biggest bunch of assholes a person could be friends with (my sisters are in this draft and basically included in that description).   The league is comprised of a bunch of degenerates who are not to be trusted and who in all actuality never grew up (I’m included here).  So if I hate all of them so much, why do I continue to participate? Well because it gives me a good place to use all my hatred instead of going on a murdering spree (better for the environment I say!).  If you aren’t doing Fantasy Football with a bunch of “friends” I suggest trying it, it’s a good way to find other reasons to make fun of people through out the year, and in the end isn’t that what friendship is really about.  My job in any Fantasy League (aside from winning of course) is to be the trash talker.  Every league needs that, and that’s what I provide.  Aside from this, today I will give you my 10 sure fire  ways to win your league.  I hope you are ready!

Follow these rules and win your league this year!

  1. Draft a Defense in the first round – Nobody will see it coming and you will get to pick which team you prefer the most.  Defense wins championships! Start your team out strong!
  2. Draft a number 2 receiver in the 2nd round – Pray the number 1 gets hurt and boom laugh all the way to a championship
  3. Kicker, kicker, kicker – you have to have a good kicker to win, game is on the line you need him to hit the winning kick.  Draft a good one early!
  4. Running back – try to find the guy who is best available based off of the new Madden 13 ratings.  Trust me this always works.
  5. Defense again – again guys defense wins championships. The other teams won’t know what to do when you’ve already got TWO top defenses.
  6. Tight end – draft someone who is really big and fast or someone with an ethnic last name, they always do good
  7. Quarterback – This is where you win it.  Draft a rookie quarterback.  Just like they do in the pro’s! When he’s good in a few years you can say you saw it first!
  8. Get as many offensive lineman as your league allows – you can’t win without protection.  You also can’t conceive with protection…or can you?
  9. Running back – Simulate through midseason on Madden 13, then take the highest rated running back still left based off of Madden stats
  10. Injuries – Pick up injured star players early, when they come back they will be motivated!

Madden 13 came out today, Megatron is on the cover, pick him as high as you can, we all know that means he’s gonna have an amazing season. There is no such thing as a Madden Curse!

When you win this year, I expect ALL the credit!

 

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The Day I Ran Out Of Internet…

A few days ago, I was bored out of my mind.  So naturally I surfed (cowabunga dude!) the internet.  I checked the sports sites, the news sites, the blogs, the entertainment sites, Facebook sucks, and everyone of my e-mails (yes I have a hotmail and yahoo account still, but no I do not check them but once every 3-4 months).  That took all of 30-45 minutes maybe.  Then, I was bored again.  Baseball and the Olympics being the only thing going on sports wise means the news is pretty boring in the sports world.  Internationally, people are still killing people and nobody really cares enough to help those who can’t defend themselves.  Entertainment wise, everybody is a tool.  Oh and apparently *NSYNC might be making a comeback.  The blogs are funny, but those provide temporary relief.  Facebook has been a snooze fest of late. And the e-mail accounts are 99.37% (pretty accurate measurement, I know) junk.  So there I was, out of things to do online.  I think back to what people did before the internet protected us from boredom and I honestly can’t remember what we would do.  Phone calls? Writing a letter? Drawing? Poetry? Listening to music? What the hell did we used to do when we didn’t have computers attached to us 24/7? I have no idea.  But I need to know ASAP.

The other day I ran out of internet… and I don’t know what to do and it scares me.  Sadface…

Where do I go from here? Helppp! I need somebody….Helpp! Not just anyyybodddy… Help!!! You know I need someoneeeee…..

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