So I’m a few days late. Sue me. Kidding, I don’t need that shit in my life. At this point in the season you’re either:
- Sitting pretty at 3-0 and trying to strengthen your bench
- Doing OK at 2-1 and trying to figure out if you’re wins are a fluke or if that loss is gonna be a sign of things to come
- 1-2 with two thoughts, if you just won your game, you think the first 2 losses were just bad luck (playing highest scoring team or poor performance) or you just lost your last game after being 1-1 and trying to figure out what you can do to make your team better so that you don’t fall to the dreaded 1-3
- ORRRRR you are 0-3 (Beef and Chi-town in my more “seasoned” league). Much like those 2 fools, if you are 0-3, you probably just suck at fantasy football. Time to make trades. Or find out what you are doing now and do the exact opposite. Why? Because… because you suck!
Well with that being said, let’s hit our team of the week.
Stars of the Week
QB – Ben Roethlisberger – 384 yards and 4 TD’s. Not too bad, how many of you had him on your bench??
RB – Jamaal Charles – Now this is what I’m talking about! 233 yards and a TD (on a 91 yard run!). Doing work for his fantasy owners, and making the Ain’ts (get it, Saints) pay for it.
RB – Maurice Jones-Drew – 177 yards and a TD. You sir, have made people who didn’t draft you because of contract issues hate your guts.
WR – A.J. Green – 9 catches, 183 yards, 1 TD from a wildcat play. I hate you asshole. You beat my Redskins.
WR – Torrey Smith – 6 catches, 127 yards, 2 TD’s. Inspiring play hours after his brother passed away.
RB/WR – Andre Brown – 113 yards and 2 TD’s in a relief role for Bradshaw. The Panthers are STILL trying to tackle him.
TE – Heath Miller – 8 catches, 60 yards, 2 TD’s. If you notice the trend is that other tight ends than the top 3 or 4 are getting stats now.
K – Ryan Succop – 6 field goals. 6. Count ’em. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!
DEF – Chicago Bears – 6 sacks, 2 INT’s and a TD. And the Rams looked so good against the Redskins last week….
Assholes of the Week (Assholes because you are assholes)
QB – Philip Rivers – 173 yards, 2 INT. Depleted Falcons secondary. Way to do nothing for my fantasy team asshole. GET BETTER!
RB – Frank Gore – 63 yards and a fumble. Exactly what everybody who owned you had in mind.
RB – Chris Johnson – I don’t even think giving him credit for “stats” is fair to the word “stats.” CJ0k(e) everybody
WR – Desean Jackson – 3 catches 43 yards. All that shit you talk and you only caught 3 balls. Dick.
WR – Marques Colston – Blame Brees? Nope, you drop too many passes you idiot.
RB/WR – Stevan Ridley – Yeh it was Baltimore, but how bout a few catches or something, damn. And spell your name right asshole.
K – Adam Vinatieri – When you are counting on his extra points to get you the majority of your kicking points you know he sucks.
DEF – New England – Statistically speaking, you guys suck. Remove statistics and you still suck.
Free Agent Pick Up of the Week
Jeremy Kerley of the Jets. Apparently he’s the only one on the team that wants to actually try to win. Returning kicks and catching passes. That’s 2 more things than Santonio Holmes does (drumrooolll).