Tag Archives: nfl

Fantasy Recap Week 7…

Yep, I’m lazy and posting this on the Thursday before week 8 games start again…that’s just how I roll, live with it and love it.  At this point, you know what you need to make a solid run and are either feverishly picking apart the waiver wire or are trying to make some trades.  It’s a tough time for lots of the people in the league as some bogus shit will probably start happening now.  Crazy trades that would have never happened in week 1 are now being offered and acceppted, with you being left wondering, “hey is this legit, or are they just trying to let that other guy win it.”  It’s a thin line between legit and tanking trades, but do what ya gotta do I guess.  So enough of that, let’s get to who did us right and who did us oh so wrong last week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Drew Brees – 377 yards and 4 TDs.  Are the Saints back? Nope, they are just starting to play bad teams.  They won’t keep winning, but Brees will keep putting up numbers.

RB – Chris Johnson – 195 yards, 2 TDs.  He’s back!! NOPE..he played Buffalo…he still sucks

RB – Adrian Peterson – 153 yards, TD.  All Day. AP. Whatever you wanna call him, my man is nice.

WR – Vincent Jackson – 7 catches, 216 yards, 1 TD.  Oh and one drag down inside the 5.  You not scoring that TD probably cost some owners in fantasy like it cost your real life team a victory.

WR – Randall Cobb – 8 catches, 89 yards, 2 TDs.  Greg who??  So long as Jennings is out this dude is a top WR.

RB/WR – Victor Cruz – 7 catches 131 yards, TD.  Remove that 77 yard TD catch at the end and his day was meh, but my Skins unfortunately can’t remove that play. Ugh I hate the Giants.

TE – Rob Gronkowski – 6 catches, 78 yards, 2 TDs.  They still somehow had a close game against the JETS…keep throwin the ball Tommy boy.

K – Nick Folk – Almost won the game for the Jets, before the Jets realized they were the Jets…

DEF – Houston Texans – Made the Ravens look horrible forevermore (see what I did there?!). 4 sacks, a safety, 2 interceptions and a Touchdown.  Solid.

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because I done said it yo)

QB – Christian Ponder – 58 yards, TD, 2 INTs…man all you need to do is just throw it to Percy or hand it off to AP.  Stop being so stupid.

RB – BenJarvus Green-Ellis – If this was a real “lawfirm” it’d be shut down for lack of production.  69 yards.  That’s it. I actually blame this one on coaches.

RB – Stevan Ridley – Bro, the Jets, how do you have a bad against them?? 65 yards, at least catch a pass or something!!

WR – AJ Green – One catch 8 yards and a TD.  Bengals coaches, if his one catch was a TD, don’t you think you should throw to him more? Thank you..ugh.

WR – Calvin Johnson – 3 catches, 34 yards.  Mega horrible.  Lots of drops too.

RB/WR – Larry Fitzgerald – 4 Catches, 29 yards.  Horrible day for star WR.  But his excuse is his QB sucks.

TE – Vernon Davis –                    (the empty space preceding this represents his presence and stat line of last week).

K – Jason Hanson – 1 extra point.  Thank you though! Because that’s all you got this week, I was able to beat the guy who had you!

DEF – New Orleans – EVERYBODY puts up yards against them.  Over 500 yards and Freeman went bizzerk on em.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Chris Cooley.  Ehh, not big on it, but you could do worse at tight end at this point.

…unless my team sucks, then “I wasn’t really paying attention to fantasy football this year.”

 

 

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Fantasy Recap Week 6…

Why hello there!  If you are 6-0 at this point in the Fantasy Football season, just know that you are lucky assholes or that everybody else in your league sucks…or a combination of both of these.  At this point, your team is either a source of full on joy every Monday/Tuesday morning or just pure unadulterated disappointment.  Look at the standings, and look at the team in 6th place.  See how far back you are on them.  If it’s 1 or 2 games, you still got a shot at this!  If it’s more than that, then figure out a way to get everyone’s passwords and start trading players to your team!  And with that folks, our do-ers and don’t-ers of week 6!

Stars of the Week

QB – Aaron Rodgers – 6 TD’s.  I don’t need to say much else.

RB – Shonn Greene – 3 TD’s.  The first and last time a Jets player will be on this list.  His first and last name are spelled wrong, just saying.

RB – Ahmad Bradshaw – 116 yards and a TD against the 49ers defense.  Kudos to you sir.

WR – Jordy Nelson – 9 catches, 121 yards 3 TD’s.  How pissed off do you think the Texans’ cornerbacks were that a white dude was zooming by them catching TD’s all game?

WR – Wes Welker  – 10 catches, 138 yards, TD.  That’s not including the big ass hit he took in the first half.  And yes, this is probably the first and only time 2 white WR will make the Stars team.  I’m not racist, I’m just saying Ben Affleck’s aren’t typically doing big thangs on the same week  (“You white, you Be Affleck”).

RB/WR – AJ Green – 7 catches, 135 yards, 2 TDs.  For the record he isn’t white.  They still somehow lost this game.

TE – Antonio Gates – 6 catches, 81 yards, 2 TDs.  And he was sitting on my bench, because he hadn’t done shit the past few weeks.

K – Jason Hanson – 4 FGs.  2 XP.  Solid day old man.  21 years in the league.  My kids will be kickers dammit!

DEF – Denver Broncos – This award really should go to Philip Rivers, but hey they did it to him. 4 sacks, 4 INTs, 2 Fumble recoveries and 2 TD’s.

Assholes of the Week (I call it like I see it)

QB – Philip Rivers – 4 INT’s and 2 Fumbles.  Led directly to 2 defensive TD’s.  And you cost me a win this week asshole!

RB – Marshawn Lynch – 41 yards?  More like Least Mode son.

RB – Michael Turner – 33 yards…God you suck.

WR –  Miles Austin – 2 catches, 31 yards.  Got the big money and sucks.  There is a reason he wasn’t drafted high in real life.  That reason is he sucks in real life.

WR – Dwayne Bowe – 3 catches 25 yards.  Not all his fault…his QB is Brady Quinn.

RB/WR – Stevan Ridley – 34 yards.  It was raining, why the hell did the Pats throw the ball so damn much??

TE – Vernon Davis – 3 catches 37 yards.  Guess the Giants figured out how to stop you since that playoff game huh?

K – David Akers – 1 made FG, 2 missed FG.  Asshole!

DEF – Indianapolis Colts – They made the JETS look good.  Do you know how bad you have to be to do that???

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Josh Gordon – Cleveland Browns.  Supplemental pick leading to fantasy sleeper.  Get him now folks!

So, so true.

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Fantasy Recap Week 5…

5-0, 4-1, 3-2, 2-3, 1-4, 0-5….you’re one of these.  If it’s the last 2, just make sure you set your lineups for the rest of the year so that you don’t give anybody any easy wins, otherwise you’re good to just casually observe.  For the rest of us, we’ll just look forward to playing your shitty teams every week. Seriously though, there is no reason for you to be 1-4 or 0-5 unless you realllllly suck or you just have bad luck with the scheduling.  If it’s the latter, good luck tryna win the rest of your games to make the playoffs…or just pray you are in a league with a bunch of idiots and you actually legit have a shot.  5-0 and 4-1 don’t get too cocky, you ain’t in the clear just yet.  The magical number for most leagues is 7 for a 12-team league and 8 for a 10-team league, so get to the 7 or 8 win total and that will guarantee you a playoff spot. And now to our friends and enemies of the past week…

Stars of the Week

QB – Drew Brees – He killed it 370 yards and 4 TD’s, broke the record for consecutive games with a TD, and won the game too (only because the refs pretty much guaranteed there was no way in hell the Chargers were winning that game)

WR – Reggie Wayne – Wow, where was this last year?? Oh you didn’t have a QB, ok ok…13 catches, 212 yards and a TD.  Bravo sir, bravo

WR – Marques Colston – He’d have a bajillion TD’s if he didn’t drop the ball so damn much, but 9 catches 131 yards and 3 TDs is a glorious day.

RB – Ahmad Bradshaw – 200 yards and a TD…so much for Andre Brown doing something relevant.

RB – Arian Foster – 152 yards and a TD…typical day at the office.

WR/RB – Percy Harvin – 8 catches 108 yards 1 TD, 8 rushing yards 1 TD…I love you Percy…

TE – Tony Gonzalez – 13 catches 123 yards 1 TD… I hate your guts Tony G…please make note this was against my Redskins…ugh

K – Blair Walsh – Hit 3 FGs and 3 Extra Points… He’s a kicker, he did his job.

DEF – Chicago Bears – 2 TDs again this week…another dominating performance…

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because let’s face it, these douchebags suck)

QB – RG3 – I love you man, but freaking slide, I don’t need to see you leaving games early both for real life football and fantasy!

RB – Fred Jackson – Hey guy, just get hurt already so that CJ Spiller can kill it again! Or you can stay healthy and provide us with 29 rushing yards…

RB – Maurice Jones-Drew – 56 yards…your team sucks, this actually isn’t your fault.

WR – Andre Johnson – 1 catch 15 yards.  THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL SCHAUB!

WR – Mike Wallace – 2 catches 17 yards. What is this shit???

RB/WR – Chris Johnson – You guys thought I forgot about this asshole.  Nope, I’m not even looking up his stats because I just know that he sucked.

TE – Antonio Gates – 3 catches 19 yards.  I blame the refs partly for this, taking away a few of his catches with bullshit penalties.

K – Mason Crosby – In most formats, you amounted to 1 fantasy point.  You suck kid!

DEF – Buffalo Bills – Gave up 300 yards passing and rushing to the 49ers! Alex Smith is their QB, how is that even possible!?

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Vick Ballard – Who? yep, go with it folks, your new starting RB for the Andrew Luck(y) Colts.

Admit it, you are this guy on Sundays….

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Fantasy Recap Week 4…

“They are who we thought they were”

– Coach Dennis Green

That pretty much sums up your Fantasy Football teams at this point.  I’m sure you can come up with a million excuses as to why you are 0-4 or 1-3, but nobody really cares because you are 0-4 or 1-3.  To become relevant you have to win 7 to 8 of your last 9 games, when your ass may have only won once thus far.  Good luck with that.  So in summary, if you are 0-4 or 1-3 at this point in the season, you suck… that is all. If you are at 2-2 you are still in it, but every win or loss from here on out will be agonizing.  Those of you at 3-1 are some cocky assholes.  You aren’t in the clear yet, but you’ve done something right (except for you Mando, this shit won’t last).  And those of you at 4-0, you pretty much should make the playoffs barring some unfortunate injuries.  The 4-0 thing goes for everyone except for 2 special people, Mo (you’re probably looking at a 4-9 season son) and Abe (you’ll prob finish 5-8, you’ve already played the cupcake part of your schedule).  Otherwise my statements are 100% true 99% of the time.  And now onto our Heroes and Zeroes of the past week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Aaron Rodgers – 319 Yards and 4 TD’s…It’s about time you played like the first round pick you were.

RB – Michael Turner – 171 all purpose yards and a TD.  First receiving TD of his career. Thanks for showing up.

RB – Marshawn Lynch – Beastmode did work again.  155 all purpose yards and a TD.  HMD!!

WR – Brett Hartline – Sounds like a wrestlers name.  12 catches 253 yards and a touchdown.  I’m pretty sure those were his SEASON stats last year.

WR – Roddy White – 8 catches, 169 yards, 2 Touchdowns.  Some of his success should go to the atrocious Panthers secondary though.

RB/WR – Andre Roberts – Who? 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TD’s.  Cardinals are 4-0.  Sadly, nobody knows who this guy is even now.

TE – Greg Olsen – 6 catches, 89 yards, 1 TD.  The Panthers bright spot.  This asshole killed me this week in fantasy.

K – Greg Zuerlein – Young G Z.  Kick from 58, good, kick from 60 plus, good.  Do work son, do work.

DEF – Chicago Bears – Thank you Tony Romo for your performance as “QB attempting to look like Jay Cutler this week”  5 INT’s for the bears, 2 TD’s, lots of points.

Assholes of the Week (assholes because they played like shit)

QB – Tony Romo – He  was so bad he got mentioned twice today.  5 interceptions.  Someone test this idiot for color blindness, he seemed to find more open guys for the other team than his.

RB – Doug Martin – Thanks for all 33 yards you got…oh and for letting LaGarette Blount get a touchdown…everybody LOVED that…

RB – BenJarvus Green-Ellis – The Lawfirm, fumbled twice..for those keeping score that 3 fumbles in his last 2 games.  That’s exactly 3 more than he had in his entire career up until this season.

WR –  Julio Jones – 1 catch. ONE. I’m not even giving you credit for your yardage asshole.  Don’t do this shit to me again!

WR – Andre Johnson – 3 catches, 56 yards.  I know the Texans don’t need to throw, but dammit, throw him the ball!

RB/WR – Steve Smith – Wooohooo Panthers!! Way to go Smitty, next time instead of telling your young QB to grow up, how bout working on him getting you the ball more.

TE – Dennis Pitta – Zip, zero, nada.  No points.  Well played sir.

K – Ryan Succop – 2 extra points.  Star to asshole in one week.  Football is fickle.

DEF – Buffalo Bills – 2 100 yard runners against them.  Blew a 21-7 lead.  Nobody is circling any wagons.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Rashard Mendenhall – Coming off of an ACL surgery and a bye week, he should finally see action this week. Due to the less than stellar performance of the Steelers’ RB’s thus far, he will probably be starting next week.  If he’s available scoop him up.

Not gonna lie, this is probably an accurate statement.

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Fantasy Recap Week 3…

So I’m a few days late. Sue me.  Kidding, I don’t need that shit in my life.  At this point in the season you’re either:

  • Sitting pretty at 3-0 and trying to strengthen your bench
  • Doing OK at 2-1 and trying to figure out if you’re wins are a fluke or if that loss is gonna be a sign of things to come
  • 1-2 with two thoughts, if you just won your game, you think the first 2 losses were just bad luck (playing highest scoring team or poor performance) or you just lost your last game after being 1-1 and trying to figure out what you can do to make your team better so that you don’t fall to the dreaded 1-3
  • ORRRRR you are 0-3 (Beef and Chi-town in my more “seasoned” league).  Much like those 2 fools, if you are 0-3, you probably just suck at fantasy football.  Time to make trades.  Or find out what you are doing now and do the exact opposite.  Why? Because… because you suck!

Well with that being said, let’s hit our team of the week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Ben Roethlisberger – 384 yards and 4 TD’s.  Not too bad, how many of you had him on your bench??

RB – Jamaal Charles – Now this is what I’m talking about! 233 yards and a TD (on a 91 yard run!).  Doing work for his fantasy owners, and making the Ain’ts (get it, Saints) pay for it.

RB – Maurice Jones-Drew – 177 yards and a TD.  You sir, have made people who didn’t draft you because of contract issues hate your guts.

WR – A.J. Green – 9 catches, 183 yards, 1 TD from a wildcat play.  I hate you asshole.  You beat my Redskins.

WR – Torrey Smith – 6 catches, 127 yards, 2 TD’s.  Inspiring play hours after his brother passed away.

RB/WR – Andre Brown – 113 yards and 2 TD’s in a relief role for Bradshaw.  The Panthers are STILL trying to tackle him.

TE – Heath Miller – 8 catches, 60 yards, 2 TD’s.  If you notice the trend is that other tight ends than the top 3 or 4 are getting stats now.

K – Ryan Succop – 6 field goals. 6. Count ’em. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!

DEF – Chicago Bears – 6 sacks, 2 INT’s and a TD.  And the Rams looked so good against the Redskins last week….

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because you are assholes)

QB – Philip Rivers – 173 yards, 2 INT.  Depleted Falcons secondary.  Way to do nothing for my fantasy team asshole.  GET BETTER!

RB – Frank Gore – 63 yards and a fumble.  Exactly what everybody who owned you had in mind.

RB – Chris Johnson – I don’t even think giving him credit for “stats” is fair to the word “stats.”  CJ0k(e) everybody

WR – Desean Jackson – 3 catches 43 yards.  All that shit you talk and you only caught 3 balls. Dick.

WR – Marques Colston – Blame Brees? Nope, you drop too many passes you idiot.

RB/WR – Stevan Ridley – Yeh it was Baltimore, but how bout a few catches or something, damn. And spell your name right asshole.

K – Adam Vinatieri – When you are counting on his extra points to get you the majority of your kicking points you know he sucks.

DEF – New England – Statistically speaking, you guys suck.  Remove statistics and you still suck.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Jeremy Kerley of the Jets.  Apparently he’s the only one on the team that wants to actually try to win. Returning kicks and catching passes.  That’s 2 more things than Santonio Holmes does (drumrooolll).

Haha, oh but if it was, things would be that much more amazing!

 

 

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Replacements…

re·place·ment/riˈplāsmənt/

Noun:
  1. The action or process of replacing someone or something.
  2. A person or thing that takes the place of another.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s just go ahead and say it together now.  The replacement officials in the NFL suck.  OK, that felt good.  As long as we are all in agreement on this one, we can move on.  Or can we?  This past weekend was filled with horrible officiating.  Last night’s Seahawks vs. Packers game was perhaps the worst end game situation ever decided by an officiating crew.  If you haven’t seen the replays or heard the uproar in the news (or read the players’ reactions around the NFL on Twitter, which by the way is hilarious) then get on it son.  Take a few minutes out of your day to watch it. Two things that stand out clearly on the play, one is that Golden Tate absolutely pushed off Sam Shields (missed offensive pass interference call) and two, M.D. Jennings intercepted the ball and all Golden Tate did was essentially hug Jennings and put a hand on the ball (and I assume he called “first” like he was playing pick up basketball, that is the only way in my mind that the ref could have been that confused to call that a touchdown).  That’s right, Golden Tate (who the hell names their child Golden?) cheated once to get a chance at the ball, then cheated again and pretended he had the ball, and the refs were like, “sounds good to me.”  The NFL’s commitment to integrity and player safety are out the window.  These “officials” officially suck (and that folks was a pun).  They have yet to control a game.  I don’t even think half of them know the rules.  Am I being harsh? Nope. I’m being real.

Let’s go through 5 (in no particular order) other jobs not as important as officiating where replacements would be just as horrible an idea:

  1. Air Force Pilots – Sure the replacement pilot flies Southwest airplanes, psshh he’s seen Top Gun like 20 times, of course he can do those cool turns in a jet!
  2. Doctors – Hey look guys, these Veterinarians can do just as good of a job, I mean, Pig and Human anatomy are almost identical.
  3. Accountants – Well he did get an A+ in Calculus, of course he’s qualified to handle your accounts!
  4. Lawyers – Our team is composed of the finest debate team standouts from their high school days, they can argue the hell out of anything (OK, this one might not be as far fetched…kidding lawyers, kidding).
  5. Mechanics – Experience? Oh well our guys were Lego Maniacs growing up, they can put shit together and take it apart fast!

Yes I just compared all of that to what is going on in the NFL right now.  Replacement refs have to go.  Hell, last week they had to remove an official because he was about to call a game for his favorite team (dude was in Saints gear all over his Facebook wall, and no me and him are not Facebook friends).  So since all of us watching can easily see what’s right and wrong, how are these replacements (with the aide of instant replay) still messing up? Well I’ll give you some reasons as to why, according to Twitter:

  1. They were filming a new Buffalo Wild Wings commercial and the guy at the bar hit the “Seattle wins” button.
  2. The ref who signaled touchdown had Golden Tate on his fantasy football team.
  3. The ref who signaled touchdown was playing against the Packers defense in fantasy football.

And now some quick fix solutions to the problem:

  1. Have Mitt Romney or Barrack Obama pay the $9 million difference between the NFL and the REAL officials and thereby gain more votes (Saw this on Twitter and busted out laughing, then kind of cried a little because this might actually help one of those idiots win the election).
  2. Have players call their own penalties and plays, kind of like pick up basketball (wait, isn’t that what’s happening now?).
  3. Kidnap Roger Goodell and send in his doppelganger to make fan supported decisions (ability to vote on the next play for the offense via texting!)
  4. Befriend a set of the replacements, find out if they are willing to not make some calls in favor of a certain team, bet on said team, win lots of money (pretty sure that’s what’s goin’ on right now).

So there you have it folks, your 2012 NFL season is already a joke, and with all these bad calls, somehow my Redskins will never be on the receiving end of one.  Shakin’ my damn head…

 

Ref 1 – Umm I wasn’t even watching the play, I was checking out the cheerleaders
Ref 2 – Shit a play happened? Touchdown!!

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Fantasy Recap Week 2

Week 2 done.  Aside from the horrible officiating, the football has been awesome.  Crazy stats from unsung heroes.  While major players are doing zip, zero (stingy with dinero).  So while I am hating on a lot of guys from my teams this weekend, some other guys have picked up the slack.  I’m 4-2 in 3 leagues through 2 weeks, not too bad, but not 6-0 either.  Ok, no more ranting, let’s get to the team of the week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Eli Manning – 3 interceptions…and over 500 yards and 3 touchdowns.  As much as I love my man RG3, Eli gets this weeks top nod.

RB- Reggie Bush – You got my respect last year for helping me win a championship.  This year you’re actually running the ball. Go on with your bad self looking like you at USC again.  172 yards and 2 TD’s.

RB – CJ Spiller – Hot damn, CJ done made the list again.  123 yards and 2 TD’s.  The Bills need to keep giving him the ball, even if Fred Jackson comes back.

WR – Hakeem Nicks – 10 catches, 199 yards, 1 TD.  I played against this asshole in all 3 of my leagues (1-2 this week folks). Eli just kept throwing it up and Tampa Bay kept letting receivers catch it.

WR – Danny Amendola – 15 catches, 160 yards, 1 TD.  Asshole single-handedly beat my Redskins.

RB/WR – Victor Cruz – 11 catches, 179 yards, 1 TD, and a salsa dance celebration.

TE – Dante Rosario – 4 catches, 48 yards, 3 TD’s. THREE!! Damn you Gates, that could have been you, instead you had to be hurt…again.  Too bad nobody actually started you or even owned you on their team.  Don’t worry folks, this guy won’t ever do this again.

K – Justin Tucker – 2 kicks from 50+ yards.  A 40 yarder too, just for the hell of it.

DEF –  Green Bay – Mostly because Jay Cutler is a little bitch and I want to rub it in, but they sacked him 7 times.  Get rid of the ball you idiot.

Now that you’ve seen the good, let’s get to the bad.

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because you cost people wins)

QB –  Jay Cutler – 126 yards, 1 TD, 4 interceptions.  I’d only blame one of those picks on somebody other than you Jay.

RB – Chris Johnson – CJOKE.  Damn you, I’ve had you on my team for 2 years now and you’ve done absolutely nothing you douche bag.

RB – Darren McFadden – way to do absolutely nothing on the ground again, and then not have a good day catching the ball.  Hero one week, goat the next.

WR – Larry Fitzgerald – 1 catch, 4 yards.  ONE catch, FOUR yards.  This is the fault of his QB.  This guy’s career is being wasted in Arizona.

WR – Dez Bryant – 3 catches, 17 yards and a fumble.  Pretty solid.  All the talent in the world with most of the stupidity in the world too.

WR/RB – Brandon Marshall – his QB sucks, so naturally he would suck too.

K – Dan Bailey – I’m sure everyone is thanking you for that 1 point this week.

DEF – Kansas City – or Kansas Shitty, whatever you wanna call em, they didn’t stop anyone.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

If he’s still available in your leagues, Danny Amendola, should be scooped up.  In PPR leagues he is a monster.  The Rams are gonna throw a ton and most will be quick short passes to the “next Wes Welker.” Get him if you can.

Any others that we should be made aware of?

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Fantasy Recap Week 1

I’m sure everybody is on cloud 9 (what does that even mean?) after this first weekend of the NFL.  If you are one of the millions who play fantasy football then you either had an awesome first weekend or are really pissed because of an injury or a horrible performance that cost you in your first game of the season.  There is a ton to talk about regarding this past weekend, but I’m gonna keep it all fantasy football related.  I’m a try to do a Tuesday blog every week that highlights the best and worst performers of the past week (all of this is based on a PPR scoring setting).  I may even give a sleeper here and there too (who knows, I might just be nice).  And here we go.

Stars of the Week

QB – Matt Ryan – Matty Ice looked like a young Peyton Manning slinging the ball around in a fast paced pass friendly offense.  4 total TD’s and 299 passing yards.  Yes please.

RB – CJ Spiller – Way to take advantage of an injury.  169 on the ground with touchdown.  If you started him, congrats. (Probably won’t happen again tho)

RB – Stevan Ridley – 125 on the ground and a touchdown.  The Pats have a running game? Wow.  Not gonna lie, I had him on the bench.

WR – Kevin Ogletree – Big game against a depleted secondary.  Everybody will be trying to pick him up this week.  He will probably do nothing for the rest of the season.  Oh and the Cowboys suck.

WR – Julio Jones – Someone had to be catchin’ Matt Ryan’s balls (that didn’t sound right).  Julio did work with 2 TD’s/

WR/RB – Darren McFadden – 13 receptions!!! You had to have been happy despite the horrible rushing stats if you owned him.  Solid outing for him at least.

TE – Jimmy Graham – He’s tall. He’s good. He’s a jackass who almost beat my ‘Skins.  If you drafted him early, you were happy with your results.

K – Nate Kaeding – 5 FG…that’s a pretty solid day for a kicker

DEF – Ravens – Shut down the Bengals in the 2nd half.  Ed Reed’s INT return for  TD sealed the deal.

Assholes of the Week

QB – Mike Vick – 4 interceptions? Really bro…against the Browns?  He looked like he was playing Madden 13 and was just throwing it up all day.

RB – Michael Turner – You sir, are a gigantic asshole for that horrible performance.  That is all.  If people won with you on their team, it’s because they are awesome (ahem ahem).

RB – Fred Jackson – I know he got hurt, but fantasy owners don’t care and neither do I.  You cost a lot of people a win this week champ.

WR – Wes Welker – I hate you so much for how shitty you were this week.  Hey Brady, throw him the damn ball, you Ugg wearing douchebag.

WR – Marques Colston – Even if you were still listed as a TE (biggest fantasy glitch ever!) this performance would have sucked.  You cost your real life team and your fantasy teams a win.  Enjoy that.

WR/RB – Dwayne Bowe – Hey guy, thanks for showing up in a game that all you guys did was really throw the ball. Oh that’s right you didn’t.

TE – Antonio Gates – Come on bro, you’ve gotta make that TD grab.  You def disappointed in your first game being “100% healthy” in years.

K – Mason Crosby – Thanks for kicking 2 extra points…I’d rather have another running back than a kicker who gets me 2 points. Dick.

DEF – Bills – You spend all that money in the offseason on defense and give up 48 points to the Jets….the freaking JETS???  They didn’t score  TD in the preseason.  And no, Mark Sanchez is not good. And “Baby Jesus” (Tim Tebow) is not the answer.
Pretty solid selections I know.  I’m awesome like that.  And since I’m awesome, I’m gonna help you fools out.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Dexter McCluster – Why you ask? He’s like the 4th string RB on his team.  Yes, yes he is. But he’s also the starting slot receiver.  In a 10 or 12 team league, he is a solid 10 – 15 point producer a week.  Not to start at WR, but at RB.  That’s right, he’s this years fantasy glitch.  Great player to have as a bye week replacement for your starting running backs.  At least you’d be putting some form of a starter on the field.  I went all in on McCluster this year.  I don’t plan on being disappointed.

Because a Wizard playing football is awesome. Oh and just because it’s a fantasy doesn’t mean it’s not real….huh? What? Right…

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Are You Ready For Some Football?

Tonight, the most glorious season of all seasons returns.  No, it’s not spring, summer, fall, or winter.  It’s Football Season!  Smell it in the air.  Taste it on your tongue. Feel it in your skin.  And whatever other cliche term you can use, go ahead and throw it in.  The NFL is back!  College football is great, but it has nothing on what is the KING of professional sports in America.  So while the first game is between 2 teams I hate (Cowboys and Giants), it’s still football folks and that makes me a little too excited.  Today I will give you my pick for tonight’s game (Giants over the Cowboys, boom, done) and also my predictions for the season.  I am, what some circles may call, an expert on life, and life includes football.  So here we go.

  • NFC East – Best division in football as always.  Every team should improve a bit, but beat up on each other. The Redskins are rebuilding (HTTR!!), the Cowboys suck (offensive line atrocious and Romo still sucks), the Eagles have a oft-injured fragile QB (Ron Mexico gets hurt way too easily).  My pick for the division is the Giants.  I hate that I just said that, but they are the most solid team when they want to be.
  • NFC South – Bucs will be better but still a few years away.  Panthers should be threats, but with the Falcons and Saints in this division it’s gonna be tough to come out on top.  Going with the Falcons to win the division.
  • NFC North – Lions, and Packers, and Bears OH MY!! Oh and the Vikings (meh).  Packers should win this division with strong competition from the Bears.
  • NFC West – 49ers would be Super Bowl favorites if they had a good QB (yep, Alex Smith isn’t good).  Seahawks look to be exciting and dynamic with Wilson at QB.  Cardinals just need any QB who knows to throw it to Fitzy.  And the Rams are the Rams…aka they need a time machine to go back to when they were good.  Niners should win this division.
  • AFC East – Pats with easiest schedule win the division.  Jets MIGHT score a touchdown at some point.  Bills will be tough to score on.  And the Dolphins won’t be more entertaining than they were on Hard Knocks, and honestly that isn’t that entertaining.
  • AFC South – Texans are the class of the division.  Jags suck.  Colts suck.  Titans will probably suck.
  • AFC North – Ravens defense is old.  Bengals offense is young.  Steelers  team is old.  Cleveland sucks as a city…and the Browns suck as a football team.  Ravens will win this division.
  • AFC West – Chargers, Broncos, Raiders, Chiefs.  I look at these teams and see Rivers and Manning.  I think the Chargers win the division.

So in the NFC I have division winners being the Giants, Falcons, Packers, and 49ers with the Saints and Bears as Wild Cards.  And in the AFC I have the Pats, Texans, Ravens and Chargers with the Broncos and Steelers being the Wild Cards.

My NFC Champ game is between the 49ers and Packers, and AFC is between the Chargers and Texans.  I pick the Packers over the Chargers in the Super Bowl.

How accurate will this be?  Probably not at all.  But I don’t care, I done said it.

Horrible officiating be damned, I got my football back!

 

 

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Steroids And Sports…

Lance Armstrong is being stripped of his 7 Tour de France victories by the US Anti Doping Agency (USADA).  Melky Cabrera is suspended for 50 games for violating Major League Baseball (MLB) performance enhancing drug (PED) policies. Ditto with Bartolo Colon (seriously, everybody should have known he was cheating).  What do all these stories have in common aside from the PED use?  If you guessed “nobody cares” then you are correct!  Nobody cares if people are using PED’s to perform in their sport.  I’m pretty sure 90% (definitely just made that number up) of athletes use them and I don’t care.  Why don’t I care? Because I like to see bigger, stronger, faster athletes (with the exception of LeBron, he’s on something and I don’t like watching him).  Deep down none of us care that athletes are using steroids or what not.  We may act all holier than thou, but the truth is we don’t care.  Or rather, we don’t care to know.  We all know that the majority of professionals athletes are cheating, we just don’t want to know about it.  I’d rather be ignorant and watch the NFL be awesome.  I’d rather watch a bunch of home runs than singles and doubles.  I’d rather see alley-oops and crazy blocked shots than 12 foot jumpers (although that is sorely needed to make players better).  Excitement is where it’s at.  Do you honestly believe that the track and field competitors at the Olympics weren’t on drugs?  Come on guys, bodies evolve, but the speed and the look of these athletes screams “I just got a shot in my butt and I’m super strong.”  Victor Conte (of Balco and Barry Bonds fame) recently said he thinks 50% of the players in MLB are juicing (and I don’t mean the drinks).  I say that number is higher.  But I don’t care.  And deep down you don’t either.  Let ’em do what they want.  In the end it’s all just “fake” to the observer anyway, just like everything else on TV.  Give us our shows with the exciting parts and get rid of the slow unnecessary parts.  Give me the athletes on steroids that can do incredible things and get rid of the guys that look fresh out of the roaring 20’s.  There. I done said it.

More juice? Don’t mind if you do!

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