Ladies and ladies (yep I said ladies twice, I guess this might work for some “gentle”men too), may I have your attention please. Today I am using my blog as a public service announcement for the betterment of female perception from the perspective of men (say that 5 times fast). STOP WEARING SO MUCH DAMN MAKE UP!! Seriously, stop that shit now! Fact: Men don’t want to date clowns. Fact: If your face is represented in any way by more than 2 colors off of the rainbow you have over done it. Fact: If you step on the scale before you put your make up on and you weigh less than you do after your make up, you have put way too much of that shit on. Fact: If little children pass by you and try to blow out candles on your face, you have gone overboard. It’s not attractive. And if you go somewhere with white furniture, your shit just ruins everything. Seriously, I did not want a damn brown smear stain (make up not doo doo, but both would be disgusting) on my new couch, what the hell were you thinking? I’m not trying to be mean, but if being mean is what stops you from singlehandedly keeping Maybelline in business, then dammit somebody had to do it. Fact: If you wear too much make up you will get Syphilis. Ok that one wasn’t a fact, but according to movies, prostitutes and hookers cake it on and they could potentially have syphilis, so it’s not that far-fetched. (And here comes the nice in me) Look ladies, a lot of you don’t even need that shit to look good, “you’re amazing, just the way you are” (everybody better have sung that last part!). I’m not against make up, I’m just against over doing it. It’s kind of like the Coconut Shrimp at Red Lobster during Endless Shrimp, 10, 20, 30 of them are great, but once you get to the 60’s they just start tasting disgusting (mmm shrimp). So ladies, please, stop camouflaging your face with clown faces, frosting, paint, and whatever other shit it is you put on there. It’s scary and unbecoming.
Fact: Make up tastes funny.