Yep, this is about the debates. Yep, I’m talkin’ politics. No, I do not consider myself supremely knowledgeable in the political department. Yes, I do find it likely that I know more about politics than you despite my previous sentence. Let’s start off with a disclaimer, I have voted in 2 of the 3 elections I could vote in, and both times I have voted, the guy I voted for has won the election. If you were smart enough to figure that out, you realize that means that I have voted Republican once and Democrat once, I do not let a party affiliation lead me towards making a vote. If you also re-read that sentence about how my voting goes, then you realize that I, and I alone control the outcome of this election (If A=B and A+C=D, then obviously B+C=D too, duh!). So with all that power and responsibility resting solely on me, I feel I should break down the winner and loser of each debate. Why? Because I feel I deserve an explanation to help me choose the best (of the worst) candidates! If you’ve been following the shit that I write, you would also know that I am a big proponent of using Paper, Rock, Scissors to solve everything from war to elections. Obviously the world doesn’t listen to me because it’s inhabitants are idiots (yourselves most likely included, wink face, smiley..oh I mean ;), 🙂 ). My other way of voting has broke down to me standing in the voting booth saying “I’m [insert name] and I approve this message.” From that I pick who’s name sounds the best in that sentence and vote for that person. Is it a perfect system? Nope, but it’s better than the reasons most of you guys use to vote. So yep, that’s why I’m breaking down the debates, because I could stand to give myself another system to vote for the leader of the free world, and frankly because there was a lot of funny shit that happened during these things. If you didn’t know Obama and Romney hated each other, well now you know. Let’s do this!
Round 1, FIGHT! (University of Denver, Denver, Colorado)
Wednesday, October 3rd. 20 years ago on this day, Barrack Obama married Michelle. And on this day he has to debate. Romney came out guns ablazing, Obama came out bumbling like an idiot. Any questions asked had Obama stuttering like the little kid from “Billy Madison” (“Ta-ta-ta-ta-today Junior!”). Romney didn’t really do anything to stand out as awesome, Obama just looked bad. I think he knew that Michelle (I’d vote for her over both of these fools) was gonna whoop his ass for ruining their anniversary. Seriously, I know it’s a stereotype, but I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t be afraid of my angry black wife for not doing her right on our anniversary. He had no chance to win this. Romney knew this. Advantage: Romney
Round 2, FIGHT! (Hofstra University, Hempstead, NY)
Tuesday, October 16th. On this night, I decided a few things. One, that Romney has amazing hair. Two, I want binders full of women (seriously, dude needs a honey). Three, how the hell did the people who asked the questions to these 2 come up with the questions? Seriously, I was more annoyed with the people asking the questions than the questions being asked…like for real, your ass is gonna come up with that question? Or to that dude whose co-workers spoke about Libya or any other Middle Eastern country at work? C’mon son, you know damn well someone gave you that question and you were just the puppet. Anyways, aside from those points and Obama looking confident and like a leader and Romney turning into the lost one, it was boring. Romney should have known Obama was gonna come out swinging, he should have countered instead of taking body blows all night. Advantage: Obama
Round 3, FIGHT! (Lynn University, Boca Raton, FL)
“The 1980’s are calling to ask for their foreign policy back” -Obama (paraphrased). First, if the 1980’s called, someone better have taken a better message than that and gotten their damn number, because dammit that 1980’s were amazing. Second, oooooohhh burrrrnnn, dammmnnn, he got you sonnn! Zing, Obama comes out swinging. Now fill in the “foreign policy” debate with these words/phrases: Iran, 4 years closer to nuclear Iran, Israel, middle east, arab spring, United Nations, Russia, China, jihadist, Osama Bin Laden. From the way Romney talked up his state, it made me wonder if Massachusetts was now in a different country. From the way the topic kept going to education, it made me think both Obama and Romney are ADD as hell (no offense to you ADD’ers out there). Romney thinks Russia is the bad guy, both guys think muslims are the bad guys, one guy has actually killed a terrorist. That guy is Obama bin Laden, whoops (if you didn’t watch the debate, then you don’t know that the moderator actually said that). He came out throwing haymakers, and landed enough to win this round, plus any time you can name drop that you killed the world’s most recent notorious terrorist, you can’t really lose the foreign policy debate. Advantage: Obama
Results: Obama 2, Romney 1
That’s how I scored it from home folks. Does this shit actually mean anything? Nope. 90% of you already were voting for who you wanted before watching any of this. Don’t lie to me, and don’t lie to yourself. Seriously, stop lying asshole! I will continue to say that I think both candidates aren’t the best we can do as a nation. We are effin America son, we shouldn’t be dealing with second fiddle “lesser of two evils” bullshit. In truth, we need someone like Batman to run this country. Ron Paul is probably the closest thing to him we got. Rich dude, check. Smart, check. Devilishly handsome, check. Ron Paul is the hero we deserve. He is the hero we need. Sadly we got stuck with Aquaman and the Green Lantern, bit characters who really don’t deserve their own show/movie/comic outside of the group stuff. Vote for who you hate the least. Or for who you think is less stupid. Or for who is blacker. Or for who is whiter. Or for who spray tans more. Or for whose name sounds better as you try to repeat commercials in your head. It’s your call. Shit, or don’t vote, that’s your call too. But if you don’t vote, don’t bitch about it. As for me, I’ll vote and then bitch anyway, even when I tried to write myself in as president. I approve this message.
(This shit is pretty funny)
(He got jokes too)