Tag Archives: google

Man vs. Hiccups

So last night something strange (I don’t think I’ve used the word strange in at least 2 years, strange huh? See what I did there?) happened to me.  So I’m watching Sportscenter when all of a sudden I start hiccuping.  Naturally, the first thing I do is hold my breath so that it will go away.  Didn’t work.  So I remember that I was told that since hiccups are an involuntary action, if I try to force myself to hiccup they will go away.  So I try this, but for some reason, this shit didn’t work either. I wish that the friends I was hanging out with just an hour earlier were still around so they could scare me, but alas, they were gone too.  Plus can you really get scared if you know that someone is trying to scare you?  At this point I’ve been hiccuping for the last 10 minutes, and not gonna lie, I’m kinda freaking out.  I go back to this news report I saw once of this guy who had hiccups for a few years, and the freak out continues.  I start wondering how I’m gonna communicate with people if I’m hiccuping, or how am I going to sing (because I’m a superstar and all…just sayin’) and all these crazy things are running through my head. 30 minutes pass, I’m still hiccuping.  Enter the Google.  “How to get rid of hiccups.”  I was led to various sites and remedies, pulling on your tongue (this shit doesn’t work and just hurts your tongue), eating a spoon full of sugar (def wasn’t gonna try that at 11pm), gargling water (made me spit out water as I was hiccuping).  None of that crap worked.  45 minutes passed, and I’m still hiccuping.  I was resigned to the fact that my life would be that of the hiccuping man.  Despite being completely freaked out, I just said well I tried, and started watching TV again.  Next thing I know, they were gone.  The hiccups had left me, thank God! So I went to sleep, and that was that.  Woke up this morning and they were back!! But luckily it only lasted a few minutes.  I think it was the hiccups reminding me that they have the power, and I can not refute this claim.  When the hiccups attack, you have no real defense other than to pray that they are just visiting for a short time.  In the end, the internet didn’t help, and that sucked, but good news is I won’t be that guy that has to hiccup the rest of his life.  Do any of you care about my hiccups? Nope.  Do I care that you don’t care? Hell Nope.  But if ya got any hiccup advice let me know, because I don’t know when my next showdown with hiccups will be, but I would love to battle with some weapons ya feels me.

Hiccups – 1
Me – 0

 

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Fantasy Recap Week 4…

“They are who we thought they were”

– Coach Dennis Green

That pretty much sums up your Fantasy Football teams at this point.  I’m sure you can come up with a million excuses as to why you are 0-4 or 1-3, but nobody really cares because you are 0-4 or 1-3.  To become relevant you have to win 7 to 8 of your last 9 games, when your ass may have only won once thus far.  Good luck with that.  So in summary, if you are 0-4 or 1-3 at this point in the season, you suck… that is all. If you are at 2-2 you are still in it, but every win or loss from here on out will be agonizing.  Those of you at 3-1 are some cocky assholes.  You aren’t in the clear yet, but you’ve done something right (except for you Mando, this shit won’t last).  And those of you at 4-0, you pretty much should make the playoffs barring some unfortunate injuries.  The 4-0 thing goes for everyone except for 2 special people, Mo (you’re probably looking at a 4-9 season son) and Abe (you’ll prob finish 5-8, you’ve already played the cupcake part of your schedule).  Otherwise my statements are 100% true 99% of the time.  And now onto our Heroes and Zeroes of the past week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Aaron Rodgers – 319 Yards and 4 TD’s…It’s about time you played like the first round pick you were.

RB – Michael Turner – 171 all purpose yards and a TD.  First receiving TD of his career. Thanks for showing up.

RB – Marshawn Lynch – Beastmode did work again.  155 all purpose yards and a TD.  HMD!!

WR – Brett Hartline – Sounds like a wrestlers name.  12 catches 253 yards and a touchdown.  I’m pretty sure those were his SEASON stats last year.

WR – Roddy White – 8 catches, 169 yards, 2 Touchdowns.  Some of his success should go to the atrocious Panthers secondary though.

RB/WR – Andre Roberts – Who? 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TD’s.  Cardinals are 4-0.  Sadly, nobody knows who this guy is even now.

TE – Greg Olsen – 6 catches, 89 yards, 1 TD.  The Panthers bright spot.  This asshole killed me this week in fantasy.

K – Greg Zuerlein – Young G Z.  Kick from 58, good, kick from 60 plus, good.  Do work son, do work.

DEF – Chicago Bears – Thank you Tony Romo for your performance as “QB attempting to look like Jay Cutler this week”  5 INT’s for the bears, 2 TD’s, lots of points.

Assholes of the Week (assholes because they played like shit)

QB – Tony Romo – He  was so bad he got mentioned twice today.  5 interceptions.  Someone test this idiot for color blindness, he seemed to find more open guys for the other team than his.

RB – Doug Martin – Thanks for all 33 yards you got…oh and for letting LaGarette Blount get a touchdown…everybody LOVED that…

RB – BenJarvus Green-Ellis – The Lawfirm, fumbled twice..for those keeping score that 3 fumbles in his last 2 games.  That’s exactly 3 more than he had in his entire career up until this season.

WR –  Julio Jones – 1 catch. ONE. I’m not even giving you credit for your yardage asshole.  Don’t do this shit to me again!

WR – Andre Johnson – 3 catches, 56 yards.  I know the Texans don’t need to throw, but dammit, throw him the ball!

RB/WR – Steve Smith – Wooohooo Panthers!! Way to go Smitty, next time instead of telling your young QB to grow up, how bout working on him getting you the ball more.

TE – Dennis Pitta – Zip, zero, nada.  No points.  Well played sir.

K – Ryan Succop – 2 extra points.  Star to asshole in one week.  Football is fickle.

DEF – Buffalo Bills – 2 100 yard runners against them.  Blew a 21-7 lead.  Nobody is circling any wagons.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Rashard Mendenhall – Coming off of an ACL surgery and a bye week, he should finally see action this week. Due to the less than stellar performance of the Steelers’ RB’s thus far, he will probably be starting next week.  If he’s available scoop him up.

Not gonna lie, this is probably an accurate statement.

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Google Doctors

If you’re that person that goes to the doctor’s office just to tell them your diagnosis, then you my friend (we are not friends actually, I loathe you) need to jump off a cliff WITHOUT a parachute or safety net.  Why? Seriously why? Why would you go to a doctor and then tell them they are wrong?  If you already knew, then why the hell are you going to the doctor? OH THAT’S RIGHT, YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU (sorry, I felt I needed to yell that, I mean err, my caps button got stuck?)! Hey assclown, you aren’t a doctor and Web-MD isn’t always right. The doctor went to school for all those years so that he can accurately tell you what’s wrong with you. You on the other hand went to medical school to pick up/drop off your friend/brother/sister/cousin/neighbor/girlfriend/boyfriend (I think you get the point). Using the internet to get a gauge as to what’s wrong with you is fine.  Telling a doctor they are wrong based on their findings is not.  Remember that time you drank breast milk as a 38 year old because you thought it’d make your pimple go away? Yeh, that right there is why you are an idiot.  It’s all the reason you need to shut the hell up let the damn professionals do their jobs.  So next time you have the urge to tell the doctor that he’s wrong in diagnosing you with syphilis, remember that he isn’t the one that slept with that tatted up bouncer at the club 3 weeks ago.  Accept your fate, you’re stupid, and that rash probably won’t go away.

I love me some Google, but damn if the people using it don't annoy the hell out of me. And NO, The University of Phoenix Online Medical School is not a real school.

 

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