Tag Archives: Fantasy

Fantasy Recap Week 5…

5-0, 4-1, 3-2, 2-3, 1-4, 0-5….you’re one of these.  If it’s the last 2, just make sure you set your lineups for the rest of the year so that you don’t give anybody any easy wins, otherwise you’re good to just casually observe.  For the rest of us, we’ll just look forward to playing your shitty teams every week. Seriously though, there is no reason for you to be 1-4 or 0-5 unless you realllllly suck or you just have bad luck with the scheduling.  If it’s the latter, good luck tryna win the rest of your games to make the playoffs…or just pray you are in a league with a bunch of idiots and you actually legit have a shot.  5-0 and 4-1 don’t get too cocky, you ain’t in the clear just yet.  The magical number for most leagues is 7 for a 12-team league and 8 for a 10-team league, so get to the 7 or 8 win total and that will guarantee you a playoff spot. And now to our friends and enemies of the past week…

Stars of the Week

QB – Drew Brees – He killed it 370 yards and 4 TD’s, broke the record for consecutive games with a TD, and won the game too (only because the refs pretty much guaranteed there was no way in hell the Chargers were winning that game)

WR – Reggie Wayne – Wow, where was this last year?? Oh you didn’t have a QB, ok ok…13 catches, 212 yards and a TD.  Bravo sir, bravo

WR – Marques Colston – He’d have a bajillion TD’s if he didn’t drop the ball so damn much, but 9 catches 131 yards and 3 TDs is a glorious day.

RB – Ahmad Bradshaw – 200 yards and a TD…so much for Andre Brown doing something relevant.

RB – Arian Foster – 152 yards and a TD…typical day at the office.

WR/RB – Percy Harvin – 8 catches 108 yards 1 TD, 8 rushing yards 1 TD…I love you Percy…

TE – Tony Gonzalez – 13 catches 123 yards 1 TD… I hate your guts Tony G…please make note this was against my Redskins…ugh

K – Blair Walsh – Hit 3 FGs and 3 Extra Points… He’s a kicker, he did his job.

DEF – Chicago Bears – 2 TDs again this week…another dominating performance…

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because let’s face it, these douchebags suck)

QB – RG3 – I love you man, but freaking slide, I don’t need to see you leaving games early both for real life football and fantasy!

RB – Fred Jackson – Hey guy, just get hurt already so that CJ Spiller can kill it again! Or you can stay healthy and provide us with 29 rushing yards…

RB – Maurice Jones-Drew – 56 yards…your team sucks, this actually isn’t your fault.

WR – Andre Johnson – 1 catch 15 yards.  THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL SCHAUB!

WR – Mike Wallace – 2 catches 17 yards. What is this shit???

RB/WR – Chris Johnson – You guys thought I forgot about this asshole.  Nope, I’m not even looking up his stats because I just know that he sucked.

TE – Antonio Gates – 3 catches 19 yards.  I blame the refs partly for this, taking away a few of his catches with bullshit penalties.

K – Mason Crosby – In most formats, you amounted to 1 fantasy point.  You suck kid!

DEF – Buffalo Bills – Gave up 300 yards passing and rushing to the 49ers! Alex Smith is their QB, how is that even possible!?

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Vick Ballard – Who? yep, go with it folks, your new starting RB for the Andrew Luck(y) Colts.

Admit it, you are this guy on Sundays….

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Fantasy Recap Week 4…

“They are who we thought they were”

– Coach Dennis Green

That pretty much sums up your Fantasy Football teams at this point.  I’m sure you can come up with a million excuses as to why you are 0-4 or 1-3, but nobody really cares because you are 0-4 or 1-3.  To become relevant you have to win 7 to 8 of your last 9 games, when your ass may have only won once thus far.  Good luck with that.  So in summary, if you are 0-4 or 1-3 at this point in the season, you suck… that is all. If you are at 2-2 you are still in it, but every win or loss from here on out will be agonizing.  Those of you at 3-1 are some cocky assholes.  You aren’t in the clear yet, but you’ve done something right (except for you Mando, this shit won’t last).  And those of you at 4-0, you pretty much should make the playoffs barring some unfortunate injuries.  The 4-0 thing goes for everyone except for 2 special people, Mo (you’re probably looking at a 4-9 season son) and Abe (you’ll prob finish 5-8, you’ve already played the cupcake part of your schedule).  Otherwise my statements are 100% true 99% of the time.  And now onto our Heroes and Zeroes of the past week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Aaron Rodgers – 319 Yards and 4 TD’s…It’s about time you played like the first round pick you were.

RB – Michael Turner – 171 all purpose yards and a TD.  First receiving TD of his career. Thanks for showing up.

RB – Marshawn Lynch – Beastmode did work again.  155 all purpose yards and a TD.  HMD!!

WR – Brett Hartline – Sounds like a wrestlers name.  12 catches 253 yards and a touchdown.  I’m pretty sure those were his SEASON stats last year.

WR – Roddy White – 8 catches, 169 yards, 2 Touchdowns.  Some of his success should go to the atrocious Panthers secondary though.

RB/WR – Andre Roberts – Who? 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TD’s.  Cardinals are 4-0.  Sadly, nobody knows who this guy is even now.

TE – Greg Olsen – 6 catches, 89 yards, 1 TD.  The Panthers bright spot.  This asshole killed me this week in fantasy.

K – Greg Zuerlein – Young G Z.  Kick from 58, good, kick from 60 plus, good.  Do work son, do work.

DEF – Chicago Bears – Thank you Tony Romo for your performance as “QB attempting to look like Jay Cutler this week”  5 INT’s for the bears, 2 TD’s, lots of points.

Assholes of the Week (assholes because they played like shit)

QB – Tony Romo – He  was so bad he got mentioned twice today.  5 interceptions.  Someone test this idiot for color blindness, he seemed to find more open guys for the other team than his.

RB – Doug Martin – Thanks for all 33 yards you got…oh and for letting LaGarette Blount get a touchdown…everybody LOVED that…

RB – BenJarvus Green-Ellis – The Lawfirm, fumbled twice..for those keeping score that 3 fumbles in his last 2 games.  That’s exactly 3 more than he had in his entire career up until this season.

WR –  Julio Jones – 1 catch. ONE. I’m not even giving you credit for your yardage asshole.  Don’t do this shit to me again!

WR – Andre Johnson – 3 catches, 56 yards.  I know the Texans don’t need to throw, but dammit, throw him the ball!

RB/WR – Steve Smith – Wooohooo Panthers!! Way to go Smitty, next time instead of telling your young QB to grow up, how bout working on him getting you the ball more.

TE – Dennis Pitta – Zip, zero, nada.  No points.  Well played sir.

K – Ryan Succop – 2 extra points.  Star to asshole in one week.  Football is fickle.

DEF – Buffalo Bills – 2 100 yard runners against them.  Blew a 21-7 lead.  Nobody is circling any wagons.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Rashard Mendenhall – Coming off of an ACL surgery and a bye week, he should finally see action this week. Due to the less than stellar performance of the Steelers’ RB’s thus far, he will probably be starting next week.  If he’s available scoop him up.

Not gonna lie, this is probably an accurate statement.

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Fantasy Recap Week 3…

So I’m a few days late. Sue me.  Kidding, I don’t need that shit in my life.  At this point in the season you’re either:

  • Sitting pretty at 3-0 and trying to strengthen your bench
  • Doing OK at 2-1 and trying to figure out if you’re wins are a fluke or if that loss is gonna be a sign of things to come
  • 1-2 with two thoughts, if you just won your game, you think the first 2 losses were just bad luck (playing highest scoring team or poor performance) or you just lost your last game after being 1-1 and trying to figure out what you can do to make your team better so that you don’t fall to the dreaded 1-3
  • ORRRRR you are 0-3 (Beef and Chi-town in my more “seasoned” league).  Much like those 2 fools, if you are 0-3, you probably just suck at fantasy football.  Time to make trades.  Or find out what you are doing now and do the exact opposite.  Why? Because… because you suck!

Well with that being said, let’s hit our team of the week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Ben Roethlisberger – 384 yards and 4 TD’s.  Not too bad, how many of you had him on your bench??

RB – Jamaal Charles – Now this is what I’m talking about! 233 yards and a TD (on a 91 yard run!).  Doing work for his fantasy owners, and making the Ain’ts (get it, Saints) pay for it.

RB – Maurice Jones-Drew – 177 yards and a TD.  You sir, have made people who didn’t draft you because of contract issues hate your guts.

WR – A.J. Green – 9 catches, 183 yards, 1 TD from a wildcat play.  I hate you asshole.  You beat my Redskins.

WR – Torrey Smith – 6 catches, 127 yards, 2 TD’s.  Inspiring play hours after his brother passed away.

RB/WR – Andre Brown – 113 yards and 2 TD’s in a relief role for Bradshaw.  The Panthers are STILL trying to tackle him.

TE – Heath Miller – 8 catches, 60 yards, 2 TD’s.  If you notice the trend is that other tight ends than the top 3 or 4 are getting stats now.

K – Ryan Succop – 6 field goals. 6. Count ’em. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!

DEF – Chicago Bears – 6 sacks, 2 INT’s and a TD.  And the Rams looked so good against the Redskins last week….

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because you are assholes)

QB – Philip Rivers – 173 yards, 2 INT.  Depleted Falcons secondary.  Way to do nothing for my fantasy team asshole.  GET BETTER!

RB – Frank Gore – 63 yards and a fumble.  Exactly what everybody who owned you had in mind.

RB – Chris Johnson – I don’t even think giving him credit for “stats” is fair to the word “stats.”  CJ0k(e) everybody

WR – Desean Jackson – 3 catches 43 yards.  All that shit you talk and you only caught 3 balls. Dick.

WR – Marques Colston – Blame Brees? Nope, you drop too many passes you idiot.

RB/WR – Stevan Ridley – Yeh it was Baltimore, but how bout a few catches or something, damn. And spell your name right asshole.

K – Adam Vinatieri – When you are counting on his extra points to get you the majority of your kicking points you know he sucks.

DEF – New England – Statistically speaking, you guys suck.  Remove statistics and you still suck.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Jeremy Kerley of the Jets.  Apparently he’s the only one on the team that wants to actually try to win. Returning kicks and catching passes.  That’s 2 more things than Santonio Holmes does (drumrooolll).

Haha, oh but if it was, things would be that much more amazing!

 

 

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