Tag Archives: facebook

It’s Finally Here!!

Today is the day. The day we’ve all been waiting for. The day where the greatest cell phone in the history of cell phones (until the next one comes out in a year) finally comes out. D-Day. September 21, 2012. The day of the iPhone 5 (for those in the know, it’s actually the 6th phone being released, and for those that didn’t know, now you know). I don’t know how many of you camped out so that you could be the “first on your block” to have the latest and greatest cellular telephone provided by Apple, but I’m sure you had a blast in the cold, on the sidewalk, in the rain, next to that weird guy staring at you, and the other weird guy that smells, and that hot girl 10 people in front of you that you hoped didn’t see you staring at her. I bet that shit was fun! And now you have it. You have your “golden ticket.” You’ve got that “golden twinkle in your eyes” (if you didn’t get the Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory reference then you are an asshole and I hate you and we can never be friends, and if we are friends, consider the friendship over as of now). You’re in love. You don’t mind that your network still sucks (I’m looking at you AT&T and Verizon). You’re just posting away on Facebook, “OMG, just got my new iPhone 5, this thing is sooooo much better than the last one” (how many likes did that status get bro?). You tweeted about it, “First time ever waiting in line for an iPhone” (hashtag iPhone5 or is that #iPhone5, am I supposed to write that out or just type it?). And then there are the people who are getting the new iPhone 5 but just waiting till the craziness dies down (or waiting on the pre-order shipment to be delivered). For us, we are looking at your posts, reading ’em, making fun of you, but at the same time jealous that we don’t have ours yet. So why all the frenzy for this new iPhone? What’s so special about it that it sold 2 million pre-orders in the first 24 hours? What makes it great? Hell what makes it different than the one I currently own? For these answers, I go to the specifications.

  • Operating software – the new iOS 6
  • Dimensions – 4.87 x 2.31 x 0.30 (123.8 x 58.6 x 7.6 mm)
  • Weight – 3.95 0z (112 g)
  • Display Size – 4 inches
  • Resolution – 640 x 1136 pixels
  • Pixel Density – 326 ppi (Retina Display)
  • Battery – 9.4 days (225 hours) stand by time
  • Talk Time – 8.0 hours (3G)
  • System Chip – Apple A6
  • Processor – Dual Core, 100 MHz
  • Video – Full 1080p video recording
  • Camera – 8 megapixel rear camera, 1.2 megapixel front facing camera
  • Hardware – 1GB Ram
  • Internal Storage – 16, 32, or 64 GB
  • Network – 4G LTE
  • Plug – Proprietary USB Connector

Wow right?!! All of that? In a phone?!?? This shit is amazing!! Right?? Right?? Umm well if any of you are like me (I know you really aren’t, I’m one of a kind, but let’s use that figure of speech here, it works), you are probably like what the hell does any of that shit mean? Well folks, I’m here to help you with that too! Now the specifications of the iPhone 5, the way that I understand it. Here it is, my review (it’s kind of a review) of the iPhone 5.

  • Operating software – the new iOS 6. What do you mean you took off google maps?? What the hell is this Apple maps shit? It doesn’t even work right! Is there a Mapquest App??
  • Dimensions – 4.87 x 2.31 x 0.30 (123.8 x 58.6 x 7.6 mm). It’s bigger than my last iPhone.
  • Weight – 3.95 0z (112 g). It’s lighter than my last iPhone. Wait, how the hell is it bigger but lighter?? I’m confused?
  • Display Size – 4 inches. Bigger screen bitches!!
  • Resolution – 640 x 1136 pixels. That’s a lot of pixels right?
  • Pixel Density – 326 ppi (Retina Display). Umm do any of you guys know what a retina is?
  • Battery – 9.4 days (225 hours) stand by time. So you’re saying if I don’t do a damn thing with my phone, the battery lasts for 9.4 days…pretty cool right? Most worthless specification ever.
  • Talk Time – 8.0 hours (3G). 8 hours to talk? Hell yes. Ehh, actually I’ll just send you a text.
  • System Chip – Apple A6. I thought Audi made the A6?
  • Processor – Dual Core, 100 MHz. Dual means 2, and core workouts are like awesome ways to get a good work out. So having 2 cores is freaking awesome! And 100 MHz, 100 is a big number guys, Benjamins galore!
  • Video – Full 1080p video recording. Sweet, the video can still be put on Facebook!
  • Camera – 8 megapixel rear camera, 1.2 megapixel front facing camera. So you’re saying my camera is bigger in the back small in the front? I like big butts and I cannot lie.
  • Hardware – 1GB Ram. Green Bay over the Rams any day.
  • Internal Storage – 16, 32, or 64 GB. The progression of video game systems. Super Nintendo, Sega CD, Nintendo 64.
  • Network – 4G LTE. So finally my cell phone service isn’t going to suck??? Please for the love of God make this the case.
  • Plug – Proprietary USB Connector. I have to buy a whole bunch of new shit now??? New chargers, new random shit?? Dammit!

Well there you have it. The new iPhone 5, in all it’s glory! I had work today, so I couldn’t wait in line for one. Actually, even if I didn’t have work, I wouldn’t have waited in line. But I did pre-order, so in a few weeks, I’ll be that guy posting on Facebook and Twitter (tweet tweet bitches) about how the new screen is sooooo much clearer than the last one. Or how it’s like 53 times faster than the older iPhone. And that if you have a Samsung Galaxy phone you suck at life (You mad bro? Fight me bro!). Android phones suck!! Or maybe, I’ll just have a new phone and do what I do with my current phone. Text, take pictures, play games, and check my e-mail, Facebook, Instagram, and internet. Oh I guess make phone calls too. I really don’t care bout all the fancy stuff Apple, I just need it to do those things. And because I’m stupid, I’ll buy a new phone every 1 or 2 years. So keep the hype up so that when people see me they think I’m cool (we already know that I am, it doesn’t hurt that now those who don’t know me will think it). And ladies, yes I am single, but no I am not happy to see you, it’s just that I have a bigger phone in my pocket, and yes, yes it is an iPhone 5. What up girrrrrlll???

Boom, the new iPhone 5. Wait.. this is the new phone right? Hmm, looks pretty close to the one I have now…umm ok, there it is, the small plug thingy, this is definitely the new one. Wow it looks so new and cool. I can’t wait to touch it!

Sometimes I say funny things in 140 characters or less. Follow me on Twitter @idonesaidit

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The Day I Ran Out Of Internet…

A few days ago, I was bored out of my mind.  So naturally I surfed (cowabunga dude!) the internet.  I checked the sports sites, the news sites, the blogs, the entertainment sites, Facebook sucks, and everyone of my e-mails (yes I have a hotmail and yahoo account still, but no I do not check them but once every 3-4 months).  That took all of 30-45 minutes maybe.  Then, I was bored again.  Baseball and the Olympics being the only thing going on sports wise means the news is pretty boring in the sports world.  Internationally, people are still killing people and nobody really cares enough to help those who can’t defend themselves.  Entertainment wise, everybody is a tool.  Oh and apparently *NSYNC might be making a comeback.  The blogs are funny, but those provide temporary relief.  Facebook has been a snooze fest of late. And the e-mail accounts are 99.37% (pretty accurate measurement, I know) junk.  So there I was, out of things to do online.  I think back to what people did before the internet protected us from boredom and I honestly can’t remember what we would do.  Phone calls? Writing a letter? Drawing? Poetry? Listening to music? What the hell did we used to do when we didn’t have computers attached to us 24/7? I have no idea.  But I need to know ASAP.

The other day I ran out of internet… and I don’t know what to do and it scares me.  Sadface…

Where do I go from here? Helppp! I need somebody….Helpp! Not just anyyybodddy… Help!!! You know I need someoneeeee…..

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Why The Olympics Suck…

Sorry to all you gymnastics, swimming, and track and field enthusiasts, but the Olympics suck.  The competition is great.  The athletes are amazing.  I’m sure the atmosphere is nuts.  The events are entertaining.  But, on the real, the Olympics suck.  If I’ve confused you just now, let me unconfuse you.  The Olympics suck because all of the events aren’t live in prime time (or ideal times for spectators).  20 years ago, the Olympics were cool because Facebook, Twitter, Dot coms, and the Internet in general didn’t ruin the events before you actually were able to watch them.  Today, you know who won what before you get to see it on TV.  NBC paid tons of money for the Olympics, so they have the right to delay the exciting events to Prime Time, but in doing so, we already know what happened and it kinda makes everything suck.  Actually, it DOES make everything suck.  The Olympics are an amazing even that occurs every 4 years, but as a from home spectator event it doesn’t come close to any other sporting events.  Whether it be Winter or Summer Olympics, it just doesn’t work for TV.  Next time, just go to the host city and take up the atmosphere, otherwise sit back and let someone spoil the results for you.  If this were a summary I had to do in elementary or middle (ok, let’s be honest, this is really my high school style writing), I’d conclude with this: For this reason I have mentioned above, the Olympics suck. I don’t need to give you any other evidence, because I am right, so take that!

Even the Opening Ceremonies suck because of “tape” delay…

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The Facebook Song

This has been making it’s way around the internet since late last week, and honestly at first I didn’t want to even give it any attention.  But when I though of how ridiculous the video is and how STUPID the song is I felt that I actually needed to make fun of it.  Let’s be honest for a minute here and remember what Facebook was developed as, a social network for college kids.  Bam, back then Facebook was awesome because of that.  So with that quick little FB history, I wonder why the hell OLD people (and yes I know I’m old, but I’m not OLD) made a damn song about how much they love Facebook.  I wonder if they even know how to post videos to Facebook (please tell me you got that?).  The song is all about thanking Facebook.  That was not a typo.  That is what the song is about.  So I’m gonna let the video both make you laugh and make you be afraid…very afraid.  These people creep me out, no lie.  Enjoy….or actually, don’t enjoy, just tolerate it.  Then laugh…or cry (out of fear or realizing that it’s your mom/aunt/grandma/etc who made this video).

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Trolling on Facebook

Oh Facebook.  How I love to mess with people on thee.  You ever get the urge to just eff with people?  You ever actually done it?  Have you tried it on Facebook (Wow, that just felt like an infomercial)?  We all have those “friends” that put up statuses that we wanna respond to in a smart ass way.  Right?  I know it’s not just me.  We fight the urge to be dicks though.  Well, sometimes.  Because sometimes, when you see someone attempting to be “deep” in thought with Facebook status, you really do just got to regulate (Mount Up) on them.  Even if they are putting up a sad status.  Shit just has to be done.  So if you don’t know how to “troll” someone, particularly on Facebook, sit back and enjoy.

FB Status – Does anybody else ever get the feeling that world is just against them?

Me- Nope, not at all.

In this example, a short and simple response was all that was needed.  It was indeed assish.  But it got the point across that a) nobody wants to hear about your bad day on Facebook, call a friend, keep that shit in a tight circle and b) keep posting soft shit like this and I will make you feel stupid for doing so.

FB Status – I’m so bored that I could kill myself.

Me – If you’re slitting your wrists, it’s down the road, not across the street.  If you’re hanging yourself, make sure that rope isn’t too long.  Dibs on your computer and TV.

Here you see that someone is just reaching out for a friend to hang out with them, but instead of just calling someone, they advertised to the world that nobody really wants to hang out with them.  My reply was me just trying to help them out, make it less messy with regards to the clean up.  Plus I wanted some free shit.

FB Status – Vacation starts today!! 🙂 😉  It’s a much needed break! (Insert location) here I come.

Me – Hey be careful on your trip, I hear that (insert location) has had a recent outbreak of syphilis, so make sure you’re aware of your surroundings.  Also, crime rates there are really high this time of year, so pay attention! Have a fun time!!

Well, that wasn’t really trolling, I was being nice and considerate.  I even put exclamation points.  I’m such a jackass.

So those are just a few examples, we all have our own style to be funny, errr I mean assish (I know this is not a word, but dammit I am using it).  The weekend is upon us, there will be many opportunities to “troll” so get your creative juices flowing and regulate (“just hit the east side of the LBC….”) on some fools.

HA! Even Willy Wonka is doing it!

(RIP Nate Dogg…”It was a clear black night…”  Come on you knew I was linking this song, I referenced it twice)

 

 

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Instagram…

So I get it, Instagram is a cool app that let’s you mess around with your pictures and make them look….older?  Right?  Am I the only one seeing this?  When people take pictures and ‘enhance’ them with Instagram, their pictures look more classic.  Or let’s just say what it really does, it makes your photos look like they were developed via a Polaroid camera circa 1973.  Come on, I can’t be alone in these thoughts.  I thought the whole reason we keep upgrading our technology of our phones and cameras is so that we lose out on the crappy image quality that our predecessors (aka our parents) had.  Right?  So why is this app so popular that Facebook spent 1 Billion dollars to buy it?  I honestly don’t get it.  You just spent all that money on your fancy pants camera with the 8 billion megapixels, but you are Instagramming all your pics to look like you took them 30 years ago with an inferior device.  Yeh yeh, you’re gonna say but it’s “cool” or it’s “different.” Indeed it is, but shit, go grab the camera out of your parents’ attic and take the picture the regular way? Ohhh you can’t post that on Facebook, I see.  So we are really going back in time in the digital world to make things look cool and classic. Right? I have no idea.  Nobody showed me the Flux Capacitor.  Maybe I’m a little different, I just don’t get it.  And don’t confuse this with me not liking Instagram, because I like the pictures, I’m just saying, if someone started selling cameras that gave that kind of image quality, no one would be buying it.  How do I know that? Because we had those cameras, and people stopped buying them.  Yep. That happened.  Explain it to me Instagrammers (this should be good).

This picture makes me laugh. Maybe that’s what Instagram is all about. This photo may or may not actually match up with what I said above, I don’t remember.

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A Guys Perspective

First and foremost, let me start this off by saying I am by no means an expert on relationships.  But I will follow this up with saying I give great relationship advice.  Maybe I should have been a counselor (Marriage or Guidance perhaps)?  So today, by popular demand (like 2.5 people), I will give the guys perspective on things.  This will be based off the fact that I am a guy, my guy friends are guys, and of course the movies and television.  So the way I’m gonna do this is from 2 different perspectives, the way a guy responds to a girl who likes him and the way a guy shows that he likes a girl.  So ladies, you’re welcome.  With that being said, here we go.

A male’s response to a female:

  • Text message – You text, he doesn’t text back at all.  It means he’s not interested, stop wasting your unlimited texts.  If he responds right away, it genuinely means he’s interested or that he’s not a disrespectful douche (it’s up to you to figure out which one).
  • Phone calls – If you call and he doesn’t call back, walk away from it ladies.  If you call and he has to go take out the trash, or he has to change his flat tire, or he has to paint his kitchen (all happening on consecutive days), guess what, it means he doesn’t wanna talk to you. Move on. On the flip side, if you call and he answers and he talks and laughs at the shit you say, he probably likes you (especially if you know deep in your heart that you are not funny, don’t lie to yourself, you’re probably not funny). If he doesn’t answer the phone right away but calls back, he’s probably into you (unless it’s that friendzone shit, and I have no idea how to fix that).
  • Outings – If he never wants to go out with you, then he doesn’t like you.  If he’s willing to hang out only in group settings, he probably doesn’t like you.  If he is down for one on one time, then he likes you.  If you are always doing the inviting and he is flaky, he probably doesn’t like you.
  • Friends – If you have one of your friends suggest to him that you and him would be “cute together” and he says “nah, I don’t wanna ruin the friendship” that means he isn’t interested (could be genuinely because he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship).  If at any point, the guy asks you about one of your friends, he is NOT interested in you.  Seriously, he just asked about your friend, put 2 and 2 together (if you suck at math, ask a family member for help).
  • Facebook – If you post on his wall, send him a message, poke him, etc and he doesn’t respond, he doesn’t like you.  Seriously, he’s probably stalking out your friends in your pictures.

(Anytime I can link Whitney, RIP, I will do it, this fits though fo’ sho)

A guy who likes you:

  • Text message – He will initiate text messages.  He will most likely include extra letters on simple words like hiiiiiiii or heyyyyy (suuuuppp is not included in this).  He might even send you a :), ;), :P, etc.  If you see any of those, that guy probably likes you (or your guy friend).
  • Phone calls – If he is calling you, he likes you.  If he likes talking to you, then he likes you.  Girls, guys do NOT like talking on the phone.  We just don’t.  We’d rather be doing guy stuff, like sports, watching tv, grilling, or video games.  Phone calls don’t fall under guy stuff.  If he likes you he will call  (it’s up to you to answer).
  • Outings – If a guy likes you, he will want to chill.  He will initiate group events if he knows you don’t chill alone.  He will do alone time if you are down.  Hell, he’ll study with you (aka disrupt the hell out of you while you try to study) if it means he gets to hang out with you.  If a dude likes you, he will always be up for chilling.
  • Friends – If one of his girl friends asks you if you’re interested in him, it means he likes you.  Don’t do the “oh I dunno if he likes me” bullshit.  If a friend asks, it’s most likely that he told them he likes you, or they can see that you aren’t smart enough to pick up on the hints he’s been dropping.
  • Facebook – If he posts on your wall, messages you, pokes you, he likes you.  Really.  He just poked you, what the hell else do you think it means?

(Best pick up line ever, if he uses this on you, then he likes you, “hey baby I noticed you notice me…”)

Obviously there are so many other things, but if females just understood these basics, it’d probably solve 90% of the confusion you associate with us.  Look, men are simple.  We think logically, not emotionally.  To us, if we like a girl, we give off clues to us liking her, we don’t do the whole game thing.  So girls, if you have to think too much about it, he probably doesn’t like you.  If after reading all this you still don’t know, then “man up” and tell him you like him.  Shit, women can vote now, women get educated just like men, and women demand equality in the workplace.  Why can’t you just tell a dude you like him if you are so confused?  I have no idea, I’ll let females contribute a blog (seriously, type it up and send to me, if it’s good I’ll post it) to explain that one to me.  So again ladies to reiterate, I am not saying this is the end all of advice, but you’d be wise to go with it, because according to me, my bros, and TV, this is how it works.

Great movie, any time I can link  Ryan Reynolds it will happen (man crush, no homo). Seriously though, if he likes you, he will let you know, watch the movie!

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How to Un-Bore Facebook

Dear Facebook,

You’re “BORRRRINNNGGG.” It’s time for a change, and this time make it one everybody (or maybe just me) wants to see.  Timeline is kinda cool, I’m not gonna lie, but let’s start making some changes that make Facebook (“do you guys know how to post videos to Facebook?”) a little more ‘real.’  Let me outline the ways to make FB fun and awesome.

  1. ‘Hate’ button – I know people have been asking for a ‘dislike’ button for a while, but like I said, it’s time to make FB fun.  Imagine when your friends make stupid status updates, or take retarded pictures of themselves, all you have to do is click ‘Hate’ and let the fun begin.  It’d be a great way to keep those knuckleheads in check by calling them out.  I bet you they wouldn’t keep posting stupid shit.  There’d be a new sheriff in town, and he’d be ‘Hate’ing the hell out of posts on his way to loads of laughs.
  2. Add a New ‘Acquaintance’ system – Ok, let’s be real, all of your FB “friends” aren’t really your friends.  If you don’t have that persons email or phone number, they are not your friend.  That’s right folks, they are just an ‘acquaintance.’  This function would make your real friends have to step their game up, because if you don’t hear from them in a while, BAM, guess who just got demoted to ‘acquaintance.’  This could entail a privacy setting just below private, where all you could see is just the persons main picture and you could only post once a week.  How awesome would this be? You’d have people competing to be your friend.  Seriously, Zuckerberg make this happen!
  3. Some sort of Ratings system – based on your ‘likes’ and ‘hates’ you would have a side panel that shows your top 5 friends, and your top 5 annoying friends.  This can be used as a means to make fun of people when you meet them up in person.
  4. Automatic de-friending – If you haven’t received any form of communication or haven’t communicated with someone in around 4  months, then that person automatically gets dropped off of your friends list and thrown into the ‘acquaintance’ pile.  If the inactivity continues for 2 months after that, they will be dropped off completely.  This would solve the whole people getting mad at you for de-friending them problem, because in reality they would be the ones to blame.
  5. Get rid of the stupid games.  This one is pretty self explanatory. If you are playing these games, de-friend me now, seriously, right now.  I’m sick of your stupid invites and notifications.

Like vs. Hate the only voting system that matters in 2012

There, with 5 easy steps, I’ve just made Facebook more like “Funbook” (just made that up, I swear if somebody steals that idea we are gonna fight or maybe just a good ole fashioned PRS battle).  Hey Zuckerberg, if you can’t add all of these at least do a few, and give me my props when you do it you thief!  Don’t do me like you did them twins!  Let ‘Hate’ take over Facebook, and let the fun begin. Facebook, stop being an ‘acquaintance,’ let’s be ‘friends’ bro.

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