Tag Archives: driving

Bumper Stickers

I see you on cars and I immediately think 5 things:

  1. That’s gonna hurt the re-sale value of your car.
  2. You aren’t really that ignorant to believe that?
  3. Your kid stole that sticker from the smart kid.
  4. Oh that’s clever/funny (sarcastic tone).
  5. Don’t lie to us, you really don’t believe in “coexist”ing

Can anybody actually tell me why people still put these damn things on their car?  It’s distracting to me as the guy following you.  Why? Because I feel compelled to read that shit, even though I know I don’t give a damn.  So yes, “if I’m reading this” I’m “probably too close” and yes I might honk, but not because “I love ta-ta’s.”  Please people, just stop putting shit on your car.  Our society is already stupid and distracted enough while driving.  I can manage reading your shit and driving, but that shit-tard that was texting while driving in 2 lanes simultaneously obviously cannot.  And I don’t care that he/she thinks your puppies are adorable, or that those stick figures you have of your imaginary family on your mini-van is cute.  Most likely you are a horrible driver, and you are genuinely not clever, AND the people driving around you are idiots with well documented driving skills.  So before we start outlawing texting and driving or playing Words with Friends or Angry Birds while driving, we really need to get rid of ALL bumper stickers.  Umm, that pretty much sums it up, I done said it.

This is what your shit looks like to me…

 

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Storms…

Lately the East Coast has been in the midst of a crazy ass, hot, humid summer.  Usually when that happens you also get some crazy storms.  For the past 3 weeks this has indeed been the case.  Lightning striking trees and starting a fire (saw it on my drive yesterday).  Thunder that sounds like an atomic bomb was dropped in your neighborhood (that may be an embellishment seeing as how I’ve never heard the sound of an atomic bomb). And rain that makes your house sound like it’s being attacked by the heavens.  I’m no meteorologist, but I’m sure that most of these things are just signs of the coming apocalypse (thanks Mayans!).  So why am I writing about the storms?  Well, firstly as a public service announcement to the masses to stay safe, millions lost power during the storms of the past few weeks and some even lost their lives, so don’t do anything stupid.  Secondly, I’m writing this for those of you who don’t know how to drive.  Here we go.  If you have problems driving in drizzling conditions, DO NOT attempt to drive in a storm you idiots!  If you ever have pulled over on the side of the road during poor weather conditions, then you, by default, should NOT be driving whenever there is a storm out.  If you get afraid from the sound of thunder or from the flashes of lightning, then you should NOT be driving during a storm.  Why am I so angry about this? Well, while driving in the middle of the crazy storm last night (where I could not see the car in front of me or the road for that matter, I drove from memory, I’m pretty bad ass), I kept seeing caution lights swerving at the sound of the thunder or during the flashes of lightning.  I also saw idiots parked in the middle of the road ON A HIGHWAY under bridges because they were afraid to drive.  Hellooo McFlyyyy, you can’t do that shit!  You’re lucky you didn’t kill anybody with that stupidity of yours.  So yep, I just vented, but whenever I’m doing 79 in a torrential down pour I don’t need stopped cars, banana peels and turtle shells slowing me down.  Stay home, drink some hot chocolate and let us professional drivers enjoy the challenge of a storm.

(Actual footage from me driving.  Probably not the safest or smartest thing to be driving and recording at the same time, but the radio stations kinda sucked and I was bored)

Lightning looks so cool…unless it’s setting a tree on fire, then it’s freakin’ awesome!

 

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