Tag Archives: cars

Bumper Stickers

I see you on cars and I immediately think 5 things:

  1. That’s gonna hurt the re-sale value of your car.
  2. You aren’t really that ignorant to believe that?
  3. Your kid stole that sticker from the smart kid.
  4. Oh that’s clever/funny (sarcastic tone).
  5. Don’t lie to us, you really don’t believe in “coexist”ing

Can anybody actually tell me why people still put these damn things on their car?  It’s distracting to me as the guy following you.  Why? Because I feel compelled to read that shit, even though I know I don’t give a damn.  So yes, “if I’m reading this” I’m “probably too close” and yes I might honk, but not because “I love ta-ta’s.”  Please people, just stop putting shit on your car.  Our society is already stupid and distracted enough while driving.  I can manage reading your shit and driving, but that shit-tard that was texting while driving in 2 lanes simultaneously obviously cannot.  And I don’t care that he/she thinks your puppies are adorable, or that those stick figures you have of your imaginary family on your mini-van is cute.  Most likely you are a horrible driver, and you are genuinely not clever, AND the people driving around you are idiots with well documented driving skills.  So before we start outlawing texting and driving or playing Words with Friends or Angry Birds while driving, we really need to get rid of ALL bumper stickers.  Umm, that pretty much sums it up, I done said it.

This is what your shit looks like to me…


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The Drive to Work

On my drive in to work (yes I work, no, seriously I do!), I see things that anger me and make me laugh.  When I’m in my car I feel protected, I feel like I am in a bubble of privacy.  But when I look out and see other idiots driving, I think to myself, “don’t these fools know that I can see them?” So today I’m just gonna drop a little knowledge on what you can and can’t get away with while driving in to work in the morning.

Things you CAN do while driving to work:

  1. Dance – You can absolutely dance in your car while driving.  Not only does it make you feel better, it will most likely make the person next to you in traffic bust out laughing.  If you’re a good dancer (people like me), then you look so freaking cool (again, people like me), and other drivers will marvel at you amazing dance skills.  If you have no rhythm (98.2% of white people), you can still dance, because you look funny and stupid, thus making the rest of us laugh uncontrollably.
  2. Sing – While most of the things I said above regarding dancing in the car hold true here (and maybe even overlap), singing is indeed a different entity.  If you have your windows rolled down this is an added bonus, as fellow drivers get to hear your voice.  If you’re good at singing (again me), then those around you will be like “wow this guy should be on ‘The Voice’ or ‘American Idol” (I get that alot.  I set FIIIIRRREEEEE to the raaaiiiiinnnn). If  you suck at singing (my oldest and little sister fall in this category) then you should definitley keep your window up, because most likely we can still hear your horrible screeching (and I don’t mean Samuel Powers) voice through the airtight seal your car offers. But don’t be discouraged non-singers (aka my sisters), because you too will bring us all joy, for when we get to work, we will be like “holy crap, I saw these  fools singin’ in their car this morning, and they were horrible, they sounded like a whale mating with an elephant” (my sisters are ALMOST that bad).
  3. Hollering – This is actually really funny to witness.  You can do it if you’re serious, or you can do it as a joke.  It’s always fun to just mess with the people around you in traffic, and this one works well.  If you’re serious, don’t be a douche about it. Come up with something clever, sometimes even a smile can work.  Don’t use a lame pickup line, seriously don’t do it.  Hollering isn’t gender specific, this has equality written all over it.  If you say something witty/funny, you’ll usually get a laugh out of the person you’re trying to holler at, which will make their day (at least it does when I holler at em, ya feelz me).  If you’re a douche with it, they will laugh at you, for days…I’m not even kidding, they will talk about you for days.

As you can see, the things you CAN do while driving are limited, so please don’t abuse this list.  Now on to what you CAN’T do while driving.

Things you CAN’T do while driving (don’t do them assholes):

  1. Phone without bluetooth – What is this, 1998?  How do you not have some form of hands free unit in your car.  If you have to hold your phone while you are driving, then you are most likely the cause for the traffic jam you jerk.  For the love of God, buy a bluetooth headset, or pretend you have it wired in your car and just have your phone on speakerphone.  If you don’t have speakerphone on your mobile device, then you sir/ma’am have bigger issues that I do not have the time to get into today.
  2. Texting – See above.  You are most definitely the reason the passing lane is now 20 miles slower than every other lane.  You don’t have anything clever to text, and honestly nobody wants a text from you at 8:07 in the morning.  Put your phone down and focus on driving, you obviously weren’t born to multitask.
  3. Picking your boogers – I know you think your car is a force field, and no one can see in, but you are wrong, we ALL can see in.  It’s disgusting, just stop it.  Most everyone has a napkin or tissue laying around in their cars these days, just reach for one (Bonus CAN’T do: DON’T EAT YOUR BOOGERS, what are you 3?).  If this is a problem for you, mirror tint ALL of your windows, we’d all rather look at ourselves as we pass you, plus when we see mirror tints the first thing we think is “ha, this idiot is picking his boogers” (ok maybe that’s just the first thing I think).
  4. Eating – Last I checked, you don’t have a table set up and 4 hands to feed you while driving.  Quit being the asshole that pisses me off and swerves back and forth while eating your Egg McMuffin (those don’t even taste good).  Eat at home, or wait til you get to work.  I’m surprised you even have a job. Idiot.
  5. Makeup/Shaving – Both can fall under the male and female category.  Seriously, this isn’t the makeup counter at Macy’s, do your shit at home ladies (or creepy men).  As far as shaving, guys, its electric, it takes a few minutes, do it once you park (and ladies if you’re shaving on the drive, please consider laser therapy).

Cairo, Egypt. Traffic Jam..this is what happens when you don't follow the rules. Do you really want Egypt's traffic problems?

And that is my abbreviated list for what you CAN’T do while driving.  While obviously everyone should follow basic traffic rules (to be discussed at a later date), what I’ve listed is just another way to fix what is wrong with society.  It takes one person to make a difference, “…if I can change…and you can change…everybody can change!”  So starting with that drive today, let’s change the world!

(+150 cool points if you got the Rocky reference)

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