Tag Archives: cake


Ladies and ladies (yep I said ladies twice, I guess this might work for some “gentle”men too), may I have your attention please.  Today I am using my blog as a public service announcement for the betterment of female perception from the perspective of men (say that 5 times fast).  STOP WEARING SO MUCH DAMN MAKE UP!!  Seriously, stop that shit now!  Fact: Men don’t want to date clowns.  Fact: If your face is represented in any way by more than 2 colors off of the rainbow you have over done it.  Fact: If you step on the scale before you put your make up on and you weigh less than you do after your make up, you have put way too much of that shit on.  Fact: If little children pass by you and try to blow out candles on your face, you have gone overboard.  It’s not attractive.  And if you go somewhere with white furniture, your shit just ruins everything.  Seriously, I did not want a damn brown smear stain (make up not doo doo, but both would be disgusting) on my new couch, what the hell were you thinking? I’m not trying to be mean, but if being mean is what stops you from singlehandedly keeping Maybelline in business, then dammit somebody had to do it.  Fact: If you wear too much make up you will get Syphilis.  Ok that one wasn’t a fact, but according to movies, prostitutes and hookers cake it on and they could potentially have syphilis, so it’s not that far-fetched.  (And here comes the nice in me) Look ladies, a lot of you don’t even need that shit to look good, “you’re amazing, just the way you are” (everybody better have sung that last part!).  I’m not against make up, I’m just against over doing it.  It’s kind of like the Coconut Shrimp at Red Lobster during Endless Shrimp, 10, 20, 30 of them are great, but once you get to the 60’s they just start tasting disgusting (mmm shrimp).  So ladies, please, stop camouflaging your face with clown faces, frosting, paint, and whatever other shit it is you put on there.  It’s scary and unbecoming.

Fact: Make up tastes funny.

Me- mmm cake, that looks delicious
Friend – hey bro, easy, that’s my girlfriend!
Me- you’re dating a cake??
Friend – no….
Me- holy shit, that really is a person, my bad bro…

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Dear Doctors

Dear Doctors,

Stop lying to me assholes.  I love yall for what you do for people (aka helping them for the most part), but I hate it when you guys lie to us.  “This isn’t gonna hurt” or what they meant to say “this pain is going to blow your damn mind.”  I know why you do it, but it doesn’t make it right.  And even though I KNOW that what you are telling me isn’t true, I still believe it long enough for you to go on and trick me.  I hate that I fall for this every time (I’m sure most of you do as well), and I hate that you keep doing it.  I know plenty of doctors, and I’m just putting it on record that I trust about 3.2% of you guys.  I’ve hung out with you fools, I’ve gone out with you idiots, and that’s why I wouldn’t recommend the other 96.8% (I’m great at math I know!) to anybody I knew.  “This will sting for about 2 seconds” aka “this will make you scream like a 4 year old girl who had her cake taken away, because cake is delicious and she wanted to eat it, but it was taken away from her, that’s why she is crying, oh and somebody kicked her in the face to take her cake away, she’s probably crying because of that too.” For the record, I didn’t go to the doctor’s office today, this just came to me (insert heavenly ahhhh sound).

On the bright side of things, at least I haven’t gotten the Magic Johnson treatment, you know when the doctor told him, “no you don’t have anything to worry about Magic!” but really meant “holy shit, you have HIV bro!” Glad I had nothing to do with that convo (Too soon?).

Side note, I do like Magic Johnson, it was just too easy to use in the context of this rant…

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