Tag Archives: beach

Becoming White…

I’ve always heard that being White in America is the best thing ever.  That with it come all of these perks and all of these entitlements.  That White people have the most fun in the whole world.  That your status in society is higher and you can further yourself and career more easily just by being white.  That you won’t get random searches when traveling in the airport.  That you can walk by a car filled with people at night and they won’t lock the doors out of fear.  That everyone will treat you with respect.  That it doesn’t matter that I can’t dance.

I stand before you today, a brown man, who has had his first taste of “Whiteness” and I am here to say that this shit sucks.  This weekend I went to the beach. I applied sunscreen for the first time in my life.  And for the first time in my life I have sun burn (is it one or two words?).  White people, you lied to us all.  For the first time in my life, I stand before you part White (due ONLY to my sunburn) and this feeling sucks.  Being White sucks.  Today, I may be a dark, crispy brown, but inside I feel White, only because on the outside I have some red.  So White people, I feel your pain.  You may have all those perks of “Whiteness” but this sunburn (tried it this way and it didn’t correct me on spell check) crap is painful.  It’s not easy being White, I don’t know how you guys do it….

#whitepeopleproblems

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Save a life, get fired…

Hallandale Beach administrators, come forward and get your award.  The award for biggest imbeciles of the past month.  Why you ask? Well if you haven’t heard Hallandale Beach fired a lifeguard recently for, get this, saving a drowning man!  Can you believe he did that?? What a jackass right?! Ohh umm no.  YOU FIRED HIM?? What the hell is wrong with you guys?  On July 2nd, lifeguard Thomas Lopez was  told by fellow beach goers that a man was drowning.  Lopez immediately took off to help the drowning man.  And you know what, he saved the man’s life.  The problem was he left his “zone” to do so.  Hmm.  So let me get this right. He’s a lifeguard. He’s supposed to save people if they are in trouble.  BUT ONLY IF THEY ARE  IN HIS ZONE??? Are you freaking serious?? I can see the convo play out between the beach goers and Mr. Lopez:

Bystander – Yo dude (beach voice obviously) there is a guy drowning over there.

Lopez- Where?

Bystander – Over there…go help him man!

Lopez – ehhh, sorry man, that’s not my zone…somebody else will take care of him

Bystander- (jaw drops in astonishment)

Lopez – Oh no, that girl over there needs someone to rub sun tan lotion on her! Peace out!

Obviously, that isn’t what happened.  Thomas Lopez went and saved the man’s life.  He got fired for it.  He was better than the job anyway.  Since then, 2 other lifeguards were fired for not agreeing with the “zone” policy and at least 4 others have quit.  I hope they shut the beach down and fire everyone in charge of stupid rules like this.  He didn’t leave his “zone” to get a hot dog or to play volleyball, he left to save a life.  He’s the real life David Hasselhoff.  He’d have had his own montage music and bouncy hair if this were Baywatch.  But sadly it’s not.  Who’d have thought Baywatch would be less of a joke than real life.

Save a life?? Umm, sorry that dude is not in our zone, plus we are taking an awesome group picture for our calendar…he’ll be fine!

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Explain this to me….

I’m a little confused (what’s new right?). Some of you have had this convo with me before, and nobody has really been able to answer the question for me.  But this came up yet again in discussion just yesterday, so I feel like it’s time to put it out there.  Summer is upon us, which means, beach/pool season.  Which means chicks in bikinis.  I get it.  Great for tanning.  Actually, that’s pretty much all I get.  I’m no prude (maybe I am?), but what exactly is the purpose of a bikini?  Is it really functional for swimming? Why is it such a popular beachwear choice? That’s not even what I am confused about.  What I’ve never understood is what exactly is the difference between a bikini and a bra and underwear? Anyone (Beuller? Beuller?)? Yep. Didn’t think so.  Only thing different between them is manufacturers and colors.  It’s the same damn shit.

So tell me why girls are all like this in their bra and underwear:

“OMG!! Stop looking at me, I’m not decent, gosh you’re such a perv!”

Yet in a bikini they are all like this:

“Check me out, I’m hot as shit, these other girls are so not hot compared to me! OMG my body is so nice! Heyyy booyyys!!”

That’s the way the girls feel regarding those situations yet I’m pretty (pretty, pretty) sure, the girl in her bra and underwear is actually wearing MORE than the girls in their bikinis.  Hmmmm.  Perplexing indeed.  Seriously though, somebody figure this shit out.  Girls get your shit together.  Y’all wonder why the hell we are confused all the damn time, yet with shit like this you don’t seem to know what your answer is.  Fix it.  Can’t wait to hear what the “differences” are.  CAN’T WAIT!!!

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