5-0, 4-1, 3-2, 2-3, 1-4, 0-5….you’re one of these. If it’s the last 2, just make sure you set your lineups for the rest of the year so that you don’t give anybody any easy wins, otherwise you’re good to just casually observe. For the rest of us, we’ll just look forward to playing your shitty teams every week. Seriously though, there is no reason for you to be 1-4 or 0-5 unless you realllllly suck or you just have bad luck with the scheduling. If it’s the latter, good luck tryna win the rest of your games to make the playoffs…or just pray you are in a league with a bunch of idiots and you actually legit have a shot. 5-0 and 4-1 don’t get too cocky, you ain’t in the clear just yet. The magical number for most leagues is 7 for a 12-team league and 8 for a 10-team league, so get to the 7 or 8 win total and that will guarantee you a playoff spot. And now to our friends and enemies of the past week…
Stars of the Week
QB – Drew Brees – He killed it 370 yards and 4 TD’s, broke the record for consecutive games with a TD, and won the game too (only because the refs pretty much guaranteed there was no way in hell the Chargers were winning that game)
WR – Reggie Wayne – Wow, where was this last year?? Oh you didn’t have a QB, ok ok…13 catches, 212 yards and a TD. Bravo sir, bravo
WR – Marques Colston – He’d have a bajillion TD’s if he didn’t drop the ball so damn much, but 9 catches 131 yards and 3 TDs is a glorious day.
RB – Ahmad Bradshaw – 200 yards and a TD…so much for Andre Brown doing something relevant.
RB – Arian Foster – 152 yards and a TD…typical day at the office.
WR/RB – Percy Harvin – 8 catches 108 yards 1 TD, 8 rushing yards 1 TD…I love you Percy…
TE – Tony Gonzalez – 13 catches 123 yards 1 TD… I hate your guts Tony G…please make note this was against my Redskins…ugh
K – Blair Walsh – Hit 3 FGs and 3 Extra Points… He’s a kicker, he did his job.
DEF – Chicago Bears – 2 TDs again this week…another dominating performance…
Assholes of the Week (Assholes because let’s face it, these douchebags suck)
QB – RG3 – I love you man, but freaking slide, I don’t need to see you leaving games early both for real life football and fantasy!
RB – Fred Jackson – Hey guy, just get hurt already so that CJ Spiller can kill it again! Or you can stay healthy and provide us with 29 rushing yards…
RB – Maurice Jones-Drew – 56 yards…your team sucks, this actually isn’t your fault.
WR – Andre Johnson – 1 catch 15 yards. THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL SCHAUB!
WR – Mike Wallace – 2 catches 17 yards. What is this shit???
RB/WR – Chris Johnson – You guys thought I forgot about this asshole. Nope, I’m not even looking up his stats because I just know that he sucked.
TE – Antonio Gates – 3 catches 19 yards. I blame the refs partly for this, taking away a few of his catches with bullshit penalties.
K – Mason Crosby – In most formats, you amounted to 1 fantasy point. You suck kid!
DEF – Buffalo Bills – Gave up 300 yards passing and rushing to the 49ers! Alex Smith is their QB, how is that even possible!?
Free Agent Pick Up of the Week
Vick Ballard – Who? yep, go with it folks, your new starting RB for the Andrew Luck(y) Colts.