“They are who we thought they were”
– Coach Dennis Green
That pretty much sums up your Fantasy Football teams at this point. I’m sure you can come up with a million excuses as to why you are 0-4 or 1-3, but nobody really cares because you are 0-4 or 1-3. To become relevant you have to win 7 to 8 of your last 9 games, when your ass may have only won once thus far. Good luck with that. So in summary, if you are 0-4 or 1-3 at this point in the season, you suck… that is all. If you are at 2-2 you are still in it, but every win or loss from here on out will be agonizing. Those of you at 3-1 are some cocky assholes. You aren’t in the clear yet, but you’ve done something right (except for you Mando, this shit won’t last). And those of you at 4-0, you pretty much should make the playoffs barring some unfortunate injuries. The 4-0 thing goes for everyone except for 2 special people, Mo (you’re probably looking at a 4-9 season son) and Abe (you’ll prob finish 5-8, you’ve already played the cupcake part of your schedule). Otherwise my statements are 100% true 99% of the time. And now onto our Heroes and Zeroes of the past week.
Stars of the Week
QB – Aaron Rodgers – 319 Yards and 4 TD’s…It’s about time you played like the first round pick you were.
RB – Michael Turner – 171 all purpose yards and a TD. First receiving TD of his career. Thanks for showing up.
RB – Marshawn Lynch – Beastmode did work again. 155 all purpose yards and a TD. HMD!!
WR – Brett Hartline – Sounds like a wrestlers name. 12 catches 253 yards and a touchdown. I’m pretty sure those were his SEASON stats last year.
WR – Roddy White – 8 catches, 169 yards, 2 Touchdowns. Some of his success should go to the atrocious Panthers secondary though.
RB/WR – Andre Roberts – Who? 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TD’s. Cardinals are 4-0. Sadly, nobody knows who this guy is even now.
TE – Greg Olsen – 6 catches, 89 yards, 1 TD. The Panthers bright spot. This asshole killed me this week in fantasy.
K – Greg Zuerlein – Young G Z. Kick from 58, good, kick from 60 plus, good. Do work son, do work.
DEF – Chicago Bears – Thank you Tony Romo for your performance as “QB attempting to look like Jay Cutler this week” 5 INT’s for the bears, 2 TD’s, lots of points.
Assholes of the Week (assholes because they played like shit)
QB – Tony Romo – He was so bad he got mentioned twice today. 5 interceptions. Someone test this idiot for color blindness, he seemed to find more open guys for the other team than his.
RB – Doug Martin – Thanks for all 33 yards you got…oh and for letting LaGarette Blount get a touchdown…everybody LOVED that…
RB – BenJarvus Green-Ellis – The Lawfirm, fumbled twice..for those keeping score that 3 fumbles in his last 2 games. That’s exactly 3 more than he had in his entire career up until this season.
WR – Julio Jones – 1 catch. ONE. I’m not even giving you credit for your yardage asshole. Don’t do this shit to me again!
WR – Andre Johnson – 3 catches, 56 yards. I know the Texans don’t need to throw, but dammit, throw him the ball!
RB/WR – Steve Smith – Wooohooo Panthers!! Way to go Smitty, next time instead of telling your young QB to grow up, how bout working on him getting you the ball more.
TE – Dennis Pitta – Zip, zero, nada. No points. Well played sir.
K – Ryan Succop – 2 extra points. Star to asshole in one week. Football is fickle.
DEF – Buffalo Bills – 2 100 yard runners against them. Blew a 21-7 lead. Nobody is circling any wagons.
Free Agent Pick Up of the Week
Rashard Mendenhall – Coming off of an ACL surgery and a bye week, he should finally see action this week. Due to the less than stellar performance of the Steelers’ RB’s thus far, he will probably be starting next week. If he’s available scoop him up.