Monthly Archives: October 2012

Happy Halloween…Whatever That Means…

Today is the day where it is socially acceptable to dress like a stripper, prostitute, hoe, child molester, pimp, murderer, etc.  Yep, today is Halloween.  So girls, get your inner hoe on.  And guys get your delusional dreams out the way.  Come tomorrow, all you will have are embarrassing pictures of yourself dressed up as if you were 12.  It’s a day like today (or a night like tonight) that makes me wonder, do strippers or prostitutes dress up as regular people (and in the case of a stripper actually keep their clothes on)?  I just never have understood the adult fascination of Halloween.  For kids it makes perfect sense, dress up in a costume, get free candy.  Shit if adults were doing this to get free candy then it would make sense.  But just dressing up to go out?  Can’t you just go out?  Is it your fantasy to be a Pirate? Bro you can do that shit for real, it’s just not as lucrative as it once was, but hell, you can make a career out of it.  Ladies you wanna be a sexy nurse?  Key number one to that is to actually be sexy, if you aren’t the adjective part of the costume, then it’s just a fail and nobody wants to see you dressed like that.  And actually, if you aren’t the “sexy” in sexy nurse, then just freaking go to school and become a nurse, there are plenty of states with shortages!  A commercialized holiday that started for Pagans, went to children, and now is for adults to dress up and get wasted, Halloween is really pointless.  If you aren’t really for it, then you will have people annoy you for candy at your house at night.  If you are all about it you’re gonna dress up in something (most likely not even creative) and go get wasted because you couldn’t just get wasted without the costume part.  And if you’re a kid, you’re gonna have a shit ton of candy tonight, and you better share with me because I love candy.  If you’re a smart kid, you dress up in a lame costume, make the rounds to see which houses have the best candy, then change and hit up the jackpot houses again (I’m talkin snickers, twix, kit kat and reeces). Mmm chocolate.  How come people can’t just give me candy without dressing up?? Sometimes people say I look like somebody famous or scary, either or.  Hell the TSA thinks I dress up as “token arab guy from movies” every time I travel, but they don’t give me candy…just the TSA “treat” aka the pat down (awkward).

Anyways, this guy has a good guide to trading candy today kids, follow it wisely.

Best Jack-O-Lantern ever…

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Fantasy Recap Week 7…

Yep, I’m lazy and posting this on the Thursday before week 8 games start again…that’s just how I roll, live with it and love it.  At this point, you know what you need to make a solid run and are either feverishly picking apart the waiver wire or are trying to make some trades.  It’s a tough time for lots of the people in the league as some bogus shit will probably start happening now.  Crazy trades that would have never happened in week 1 are now being offered and acceppted, with you being left wondering, “hey is this legit, or are they just trying to let that other guy win it.”  It’s a thin line between legit and tanking trades, but do what ya gotta do I guess.  So enough of that, let’s get to who did us right and who did us oh so wrong last week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Drew Brees – 377 yards and 4 TDs.  Are the Saints back? Nope, they are just starting to play bad teams.  They won’t keep winning, but Brees will keep putting up numbers.

RB – Chris Johnson – 195 yards, 2 TDs.  He’s back!! NOPE..he played Buffalo…he still sucks

RB – Adrian Peterson – 153 yards, TD.  All Day. AP. Whatever you wanna call him, my man is nice.

WR – Vincent Jackson – 7 catches, 216 yards, 1 TD.  Oh and one drag down inside the 5.  You not scoring that TD probably cost some owners in fantasy like it cost your real life team a victory.

WR – Randall Cobb – 8 catches, 89 yards, 2 TDs.  Greg who??  So long as Jennings is out this dude is a top WR.

RB/WR – Victor Cruz – 7 catches 131 yards, TD.  Remove that 77 yard TD catch at the end and his day was meh, but my Skins unfortunately can’t remove that play. Ugh I hate the Giants.

TE – Rob Gronkowski – 6 catches, 78 yards, 2 TDs.  They still somehow had a close game against the JETS…keep throwin the ball Tommy boy.

K – Nick Folk – Almost won the game for the Jets, before the Jets realized they were the Jets…

DEF – Houston Texans – Made the Ravens look horrible forevermore (see what I did there?!). 4 sacks, a safety, 2 interceptions and a Touchdown.  Solid.

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because I done said it yo)

QB – Christian Ponder – 58 yards, TD, 2 INTs…man all you need to do is just throw it to Percy or hand it off to AP.  Stop being so stupid.

RB – BenJarvus Green-Ellis – If this was a real “lawfirm” it’d be shut down for lack of production.  69 yards.  That’s it. I actually blame this one on coaches.

RB – Stevan Ridley – Bro, the Jets, how do you have a bad against them?? 65 yards, at least catch a pass or something!!

WR – AJ Green – One catch 8 yards and a TD.  Bengals coaches, if his one catch was a TD, don’t you think you should throw to him more? Thank you..ugh.

WR – Calvin Johnson – 3 catches, 34 yards.  Mega horrible.  Lots of drops too.

RB/WR – Larry Fitzgerald – 4 Catches, 29 yards.  Horrible day for star WR.  But his excuse is his QB sucks.

TE – Vernon Davis –                    (the empty space preceding this represents his presence and stat line of last week).

K – Jason Hanson – 1 extra point.  Thank you though! Because that’s all you got this week, I was able to beat the guy who had you!

DEF – New Orleans – EVERYBODY puts up yards against them.  Over 500 yards and Freeman went bizzerk on em.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Chris Cooley.  Ehh, not big on it, but you could do worse at tight end at this point.

…unless my team sucks, then “I wasn’t really paying attention to fantasy football this year.”

 

 

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And The Winner Is…

Put up your dukes, the results of the 3 round debate battle…

Yep, this is about the debates.  Yep, I’m talkin’ politics.  No, I do not consider myself supremely knowledgeable in the political department.  Yes, I do find it likely that I know more about politics than you despite my previous sentence.  Let’s start off with a disclaimer, I have voted in 2 of the 3 elections I could vote in, and both times I have voted, the guy I voted for has won the election.  If you were smart enough to figure that out, you realize that means that I have voted Republican once and Democrat once, I do not let a party affiliation lead me towards making a vote. If you also re-read that sentence about how my voting goes, then you realize that I, and I alone control the outcome of this election (If A=B and A+C=D, then obviously B+C=D too, duh!).  So with all that power and responsibility resting solely on me, I feel I should break down the winner and loser of each debate.  Why?  Because I feel I deserve an explanation to help me choose the best (of the worst) candidates!  If you’ve been following the shit that I write, you would also know that I am a big proponent of using Paper, Rock, Scissors to solve everything from war to elections.  Obviously the world doesn’t listen to me because it’s inhabitants are idiots (yourselves most likely included, wink face, smiley..oh I mean ;), 🙂 ).  My other way of voting has broke down to me standing in the voting booth saying “I’m [insert name] and I approve this message.”  From that I pick who’s name sounds the best in that sentence and vote for that person.  Is it a perfect system? Nope, but it’s better than the reasons most of you guys use to vote.  So yep, that’s why I’m breaking down the debates, because I could stand to give myself another system to vote for the leader of the free world, and frankly because there was a lot of funny shit that happened during these things.  If you didn’t know Obama and Romney hated each other, well now you know. Let’s do this!

Round 1, FIGHT! (University of Denver, Denver, Colorado)

Wednesday, October 3rd.  20 years ago on this day, Barrack Obama married Michelle.  And on this day he has to debate.  Romney came out guns ablazing, Obama came out bumbling like an idiot.  Any questions asked had Obama stuttering like the little kid from “Billy Madison” (“Ta-ta-ta-ta-today Junior!”).  Romney didn’t really do anything to stand out as awesome, Obama just looked bad.  I think he knew that Michelle (I’d vote for her over both of these fools) was gonna whoop his ass for ruining their anniversary.  Seriously, I know it’s a stereotype, but I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t be afraid of my angry black wife for not doing her right on our anniversary.  He had no chance to win this.  Romney knew this.  Advantage: Romney

Round 2, FIGHT! (Hofstra University, Hempstead, NY)

Tuesday, October 16th.  On this night, I decided a few things. One, that Romney has amazing hair. Two, I want binders full of women (seriously, dude needs a honey).  Three, how the hell did the people who asked the questions to these 2 come up with the questions?  Seriously, I was more annoyed with the people asking the questions than the questions being asked…like for real, your ass is gonna come up with that question? Or to that dude whose co-workers spoke about Libya or any other Middle Eastern country at work? C’mon son, you know damn well someone gave you that question and you were just the puppet.  Anyways, aside from those points and Obama looking confident and like a leader and Romney turning into the lost one, it was boring.  Romney should have known Obama was gonna come out swinging, he should have countered instead of taking body blows all night.  Advantage: Obama

Round 3, FIGHT! (Lynn University, Boca Raton, FL)

“The 1980’s are calling to ask for their foreign policy back” -Obama (paraphrased).  First, if the 1980’s called, someone better have taken a better message than that and gotten their damn number, because dammit that 1980’s were amazing.  Second, oooooohhh burrrrnnn, dammmnnn, he got you sonnn!  Zing, Obama comes out swinging. Now fill in the “foreign policy” debate with these words/phrases: Iran, 4 years closer to nuclear Iran, Israel, middle east, arab spring, United Nations, Russia, China, jihadist, Osama Bin Laden.  From the way Romney talked up his state, it made me wonder if Massachusetts was now in a different country.  From the way the topic kept going to education, it made me think both Obama and Romney are ADD as hell (no offense to you ADD’ers out there).  Romney thinks Russia is the bad guy, both guys think muslims are the bad guys, one guy has actually killed a terrorist. That guy is Obama bin Laden, whoops (if you didn’t watch the debate, then you don’t know that the moderator actually said that).  He came out throwing haymakers, and landed enough to win this round, plus any time you can name drop that you killed the world’s most recent notorious terrorist, you can’t really lose the foreign policy debate.  Advantage: Obama

Results: Obama 2, Romney 1

That’s how I scored it from home folks.  Does this shit actually mean anything? Nope.  90% of you already were voting for who you wanted before watching any of this.  Don’t lie to me, and don’t lie to yourself.  Seriously, stop lying asshole!  I will continue to say that I think both candidates aren’t the best we can do as a nation.  We are effin America son, we shouldn’t be dealing with second fiddle “lesser of two evils” bullshit.  In truth, we need someone like Batman to run this country.  Ron Paul is probably the closest thing to him we got.  Rich dude, check.  Smart, check.  Devilishly handsome, check.  Ron Paul is the hero we deserve.  He is the hero we need.  Sadly we got stuck with Aquaman and the Green Lantern, bit characters who really don’t deserve their own show/movie/comic outside of the group stuff.  Vote for who you hate the least.  Or for who you think is less stupid.  Or for who is blacker.  Or for who is whiter.  Or for who spray tans more. Or for whose name sounds better as you try to repeat commercials in your head.  It’s your call.  Shit, or don’t vote, that’s your call too.  But if you don’t vote, don’t bitch about it.  As for me, I’ll vote and then bitch anyway, even when I tried to write myself in as president.  I approve this message.

(This shit is pretty funny)

(He got jokes too)

 

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Fantasy Recap Week 6…

Why hello there!  If you are 6-0 at this point in the Fantasy Football season, just know that you are lucky assholes or that everybody else in your league sucks…or a combination of both of these.  At this point, your team is either a source of full on joy every Monday/Tuesday morning or just pure unadulterated disappointment.  Look at the standings, and look at the team in 6th place.  See how far back you are on them.  If it’s 1 or 2 games, you still got a shot at this!  If it’s more than that, then figure out a way to get everyone’s passwords and start trading players to your team!  And with that folks, our do-ers and don’t-ers of week 6!

Stars of the Week

QB – Aaron Rodgers – 6 TD’s.  I don’t need to say much else.

RB – Shonn Greene – 3 TD’s.  The first and last time a Jets player will be on this list.  His first and last name are spelled wrong, just saying.

RB – Ahmad Bradshaw – 116 yards and a TD against the 49ers defense.  Kudos to you sir.

WR – Jordy Nelson – 9 catches, 121 yards 3 TD’s.  How pissed off do you think the Texans’ cornerbacks were that a white dude was zooming by them catching TD’s all game?

WR – Wes Welker  – 10 catches, 138 yards, TD.  That’s not including the big ass hit he took in the first half.  And yes, this is probably the first and only time 2 white WR will make the Stars team.  I’m not racist, I’m just saying Ben Affleck’s aren’t typically doing big thangs on the same week  (“You white, you Be Affleck”).

RB/WR – AJ Green – 7 catches, 135 yards, 2 TDs.  For the record he isn’t white.  They still somehow lost this game.

TE – Antonio Gates – 6 catches, 81 yards, 2 TDs.  And he was sitting on my bench, because he hadn’t done shit the past few weeks.

K – Jason Hanson – 4 FGs.  2 XP.  Solid day old man.  21 years in the league.  My kids will be kickers dammit!

DEF – Denver Broncos – This award really should go to Philip Rivers, but hey they did it to him. 4 sacks, 4 INTs, 2 Fumble recoveries and 2 TD’s.

Assholes of the Week (I call it like I see it)

QB – Philip Rivers – 4 INT’s and 2 Fumbles.  Led directly to 2 defensive TD’s.  And you cost me a win this week asshole!

RB – Marshawn Lynch – 41 yards?  More like Least Mode son.

RB – Michael Turner – 33 yards…God you suck.

WR –  Miles Austin – 2 catches, 31 yards.  Got the big money and sucks.  There is a reason he wasn’t drafted high in real life.  That reason is he sucks in real life.

WR – Dwayne Bowe – 3 catches 25 yards.  Not all his fault…his QB is Brady Quinn.

RB/WR – Stevan Ridley – 34 yards.  It was raining, why the hell did the Pats throw the ball so damn much??

TE – Vernon Davis – 3 catches 37 yards.  Guess the Giants figured out how to stop you since that playoff game huh?

K – David Akers – 1 made FG, 2 missed FG.  Asshole!

DEF – Indianapolis Colts – They made the JETS look good.  Do you know how bad you have to be to do that???

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Josh Gordon – Cleveland Browns.  Supplemental pick leading to fantasy sleeper.  Get him now folks!

So, so true.

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Fantasy Recap Week 5…

5-0, 4-1, 3-2, 2-3, 1-4, 0-5….you’re one of these.  If it’s the last 2, just make sure you set your lineups for the rest of the year so that you don’t give anybody any easy wins, otherwise you’re good to just casually observe.  For the rest of us, we’ll just look forward to playing your shitty teams every week. Seriously though, there is no reason for you to be 1-4 or 0-5 unless you realllllly suck or you just have bad luck with the scheduling.  If it’s the latter, good luck tryna win the rest of your games to make the playoffs…or just pray you are in a league with a bunch of idiots and you actually legit have a shot.  5-0 and 4-1 don’t get too cocky, you ain’t in the clear just yet.  The magical number for most leagues is 7 for a 12-team league and 8 for a 10-team league, so get to the 7 or 8 win total and that will guarantee you a playoff spot. And now to our friends and enemies of the past week…

Stars of the Week

QB – Drew Brees – He killed it 370 yards and 4 TD’s, broke the record for consecutive games with a TD, and won the game too (only because the refs pretty much guaranteed there was no way in hell the Chargers were winning that game)

WR – Reggie Wayne – Wow, where was this last year?? Oh you didn’t have a QB, ok ok…13 catches, 212 yards and a TD.  Bravo sir, bravo

WR – Marques Colston – He’d have a bajillion TD’s if he didn’t drop the ball so damn much, but 9 catches 131 yards and 3 TDs is a glorious day.

RB – Ahmad Bradshaw – 200 yards and a TD…so much for Andre Brown doing something relevant.

RB – Arian Foster – 152 yards and a TD…typical day at the office.

WR/RB – Percy Harvin – 8 catches 108 yards 1 TD, 8 rushing yards 1 TD…I love you Percy…

TE – Tony Gonzalez – 13 catches 123 yards 1 TD… I hate your guts Tony G…please make note this was against my Redskins…ugh

K – Blair Walsh – Hit 3 FGs and 3 Extra Points… He’s a kicker, he did his job.

DEF – Chicago Bears – 2 TDs again this week…another dominating performance…

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because let’s face it, these douchebags suck)

QB – RG3 – I love you man, but freaking slide, I don’t need to see you leaving games early both for real life football and fantasy!

RB – Fred Jackson – Hey guy, just get hurt already so that CJ Spiller can kill it again! Or you can stay healthy and provide us with 29 rushing yards…

RB – Maurice Jones-Drew – 56 yards…your team sucks, this actually isn’t your fault.

WR – Andre Johnson – 1 catch 15 yards.  THROW HIM THE DAMN BALL SCHAUB!

WR – Mike Wallace – 2 catches 17 yards. What is this shit???

RB/WR – Chris Johnson – You guys thought I forgot about this asshole.  Nope, I’m not even looking up his stats because I just know that he sucked.

TE – Antonio Gates – 3 catches 19 yards.  I blame the refs partly for this, taking away a few of his catches with bullshit penalties.

K – Mason Crosby – In most formats, you amounted to 1 fantasy point.  You suck kid!

DEF – Buffalo Bills – Gave up 300 yards passing and rushing to the 49ers! Alex Smith is their QB, how is that even possible!?

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Vick Ballard – Who? yep, go with it folks, your new starting RB for the Andrew Luck(y) Colts.

Admit it, you are this guy on Sundays….

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Stay Classy Philly…

Soooo apparently there were 2 weddings going on at a hotel in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania late Saturday night, early (waaayyy early) Sunday morning.  And apparently things got out of hand because people were drinking.  And then some people started fighting between the 2 wedding parties.  Umm and then one of the brides gets decked by a cop.  And then somebody dies of a heart attack.  And somebody actually got this on video.  Some 15 year old kid recorded what happened in it’s glory:


And now the “News’ed up” version:

Only in Philly folks…only in Philly….

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Fantasy Recap Week 4…

“They are who we thought they were”

– Coach Dennis Green

That pretty much sums up your Fantasy Football teams at this point.  I’m sure you can come up with a million excuses as to why you are 0-4 or 1-3, but nobody really cares because you are 0-4 or 1-3.  To become relevant you have to win 7 to 8 of your last 9 games, when your ass may have only won once thus far.  Good luck with that.  So in summary, if you are 0-4 or 1-3 at this point in the season, you suck… that is all. If you are at 2-2 you are still in it, but every win or loss from here on out will be agonizing.  Those of you at 3-1 are some cocky assholes.  You aren’t in the clear yet, but you’ve done something right (except for you Mando, this shit won’t last).  And those of you at 4-0, you pretty much should make the playoffs barring some unfortunate injuries.  The 4-0 thing goes for everyone except for 2 special people, Mo (you’re probably looking at a 4-9 season son) and Abe (you’ll prob finish 5-8, you’ve already played the cupcake part of your schedule).  Otherwise my statements are 100% true 99% of the time.  And now onto our Heroes and Zeroes of the past week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Aaron Rodgers – 319 Yards and 4 TD’s…It’s about time you played like the first round pick you were.

RB – Michael Turner – 171 all purpose yards and a TD.  First receiving TD of his career. Thanks for showing up.

RB – Marshawn Lynch – Beastmode did work again.  155 all purpose yards and a TD.  HMD!!

WR – Brett Hartline – Sounds like a wrestlers name.  12 catches 253 yards and a touchdown.  I’m pretty sure those were his SEASON stats last year.

WR – Roddy White – 8 catches, 169 yards, 2 Touchdowns.  Some of his success should go to the atrocious Panthers secondary though.

RB/WR – Andre Roberts – Who? 6 catches, 118 yards, 2 TD’s.  Cardinals are 4-0.  Sadly, nobody knows who this guy is even now.

TE – Greg Olsen – 6 catches, 89 yards, 1 TD.  The Panthers bright spot.  This asshole killed me this week in fantasy.

K – Greg Zuerlein – Young G Z.  Kick from 58, good, kick from 60 plus, good.  Do work son, do work.

DEF – Chicago Bears – Thank you Tony Romo for your performance as “QB attempting to look like Jay Cutler this week”  5 INT’s for the bears, 2 TD’s, lots of points.

Assholes of the Week (assholes because they played like shit)

QB – Tony Romo – He  was so bad he got mentioned twice today.  5 interceptions.  Someone test this idiot for color blindness, he seemed to find more open guys for the other team than his.

RB – Doug Martin – Thanks for all 33 yards you got…oh and for letting LaGarette Blount get a touchdown…everybody LOVED that…

RB – BenJarvus Green-Ellis – The Lawfirm, fumbled twice..for those keeping score that 3 fumbles in his last 2 games.  That’s exactly 3 more than he had in his entire career up until this season.

WR –  Julio Jones – 1 catch. ONE. I’m not even giving you credit for your yardage asshole.  Don’t do this shit to me again!

WR – Andre Johnson – 3 catches, 56 yards.  I know the Texans don’t need to throw, but dammit, throw him the ball!

RB/WR – Steve Smith – Wooohooo Panthers!! Way to go Smitty, next time instead of telling your young QB to grow up, how bout working on him getting you the ball more.

TE – Dennis Pitta – Zip, zero, nada.  No points.  Well played sir.

K – Ryan Succop – 2 extra points.  Star to asshole in one week.  Football is fickle.

DEF – Buffalo Bills – 2 100 yard runners against them.  Blew a 21-7 lead.  Nobody is circling any wagons.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Rashard Mendenhall – Coming off of an ACL surgery and a bye week, he should finally see action this week. Due to the less than stellar performance of the Steelers’ RB’s thus far, he will probably be starting next week.  If he’s available scoop him up.

Not gonna lie, this is probably an accurate statement.

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