Today is the day. The day we’ve all been waiting for. The day where the greatest cell phone in the history of cell phones (until the next one comes out in a year) finally comes out. D-Day. September 21, 2012. The day of the iPhone 5 (for those in the know, it’s actually the 6th phone being released, and for those that didn’t know, now you know). I don’t know how many of you camped out so that you could be the “first on your block” to have the latest and greatest cellular telephone provided by Apple, but I’m sure you had a blast in the cold, on the sidewalk, in the rain, next to that weird guy staring at you, and the other weird guy that smells, and that hot girl 10 people in front of you that you hoped didn’t see you staring at her. I bet that shit was fun! And now you have it. You have your “golden ticket.” You’ve got that “golden twinkle in your eyes” (if you didn’t get the Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory reference then you are an asshole and I hate you and we can never be friends, and if we are friends, consider the friendship over as of now). You’re in love. You don’t mind that your network still sucks (I’m looking at you AT&T and Verizon). You’re just posting away on Facebook, “OMG, just got my new iPhone 5, this thing is sooooo much better than the last one” (how many likes did that status get bro?). You tweeted about it, “First time ever waiting in line for an iPhone” (hashtag iPhone5 or is that #iPhone5, am I supposed to write that out or just type it?). And then there are the people who are getting the new iPhone 5 but just waiting till the craziness dies down (or waiting on the pre-order shipment to be delivered). For us, we are looking at your posts, reading ’em, making fun of you, but at the same time jealous that we don’t have ours yet. So why all the frenzy for this new iPhone? What’s so special about it that it sold 2 million pre-orders in the first 24 hours? What makes it great? Hell what makes it different than the one I currently own? For these answers, I go to the specifications.
- Operating software – the new iOS 6
- Dimensions – 4.87 x 2.31 x 0.30 (123.8 x 58.6 x 7.6 mm)
- Weight – 3.95 0z (112 g)
- Display Size – 4 inches
- Resolution – 640 x 1136 pixels
- Pixel Density – 326 ppi (Retina Display)
- Battery – 9.4 days (225 hours) stand by time
- Talk Time – 8.0 hours (3G)
- System Chip – Apple A6
- Processor – Dual Core, 100 MHz
- Video – Full 1080p video recording
- Camera – 8 megapixel rear camera, 1.2 megapixel front facing camera
- Hardware – 1GB Ram
- Internal Storage – 16, 32, or 64 GB
- Network – 4G LTE
- Plug – Proprietary USB Connector
Wow right?!! All of that? In a phone?!?? This shit is amazing!! Right?? Right?? Umm well if any of you are like me (I know you really aren’t, I’m one of a kind, but let’s use that figure of speech here, it works), you are probably like what the hell does any of that shit mean? Well folks, I’m here to help you with that too! Now the specifications of the iPhone 5, the way that I understand it. Here it is, my review (it’s kind of a review) of the iPhone 5.
- Operating software – the new iOS 6. What do you mean you took off google maps?? What the hell is this Apple maps shit? It doesn’t even work right! Is there a Mapquest App??
- Dimensions – 4.87 x 2.31 x 0.30 (123.8 x 58.6 x 7.6 mm). It’s bigger than my last iPhone.
- Weight – 3.95 0z (112 g). It’s lighter than my last iPhone. Wait, how the hell is it bigger but lighter?? I’m confused?
- Display Size – 4 inches. Bigger screen bitches!!
- Resolution – 640 x 1136 pixels. That’s a lot of pixels right?
- Pixel Density – 326 ppi (Retina Display). Umm do any of you guys know what a retina is?
- Battery – 9.4 days (225 hours) stand by time. So you’re saying if I don’t do a damn thing with my phone, the battery lasts for 9.4 days…pretty cool right? Most worthless specification ever.
- Talk Time – 8.0 hours (3G). 8 hours to talk? Hell yes. Ehh, actually I’ll just send you a text.
- System Chip – Apple A6. I thought Audi made the A6?
- Processor – Dual Core, 100 MHz. Dual means 2, and core workouts are like awesome ways to get a good work out. So having 2 cores is freaking awesome! And 100 MHz, 100 is a big number guys, Benjamins galore!
- Video – Full 1080p video recording. Sweet, the video can still be put on Facebook!
- Camera – 8 megapixel rear camera, 1.2 megapixel front facing camera. So you’re saying my camera is bigger in the back small in the front? I like big butts and I cannot lie.
- Hardware – 1GB Ram. Green Bay over the Rams any day.
- Internal Storage – 16, 32, or 64 GB. The progression of video game systems. Super Nintendo, Sega CD, Nintendo 64.
- Network – 4G LTE. So finally my cell phone service isn’t going to suck??? Please for the love of God make this the case.
- Plug – Proprietary USB Connector. I have to buy a whole bunch of new shit now??? New chargers, new random shit?? Dammit!
Well there you have it. The new iPhone 5, in all it’s glory! I had work today, so I couldn’t wait in line for one. Actually, even if I didn’t have work, I wouldn’t have waited in line. But I did pre-order, so in a few weeks, I’ll be that guy posting on Facebook and Twitter (tweet tweet bitches) about how the new screen is sooooo much clearer than the last one. Or how it’s like 53 times faster than the older iPhone. And that if you have a Samsung Galaxy phone you suck at life (You mad bro? Fight me bro!). Android phones suck!! Or maybe, I’ll just have a new phone and do what I do with my current phone. Text, take pictures, play games, and check my e-mail, Facebook, Instagram, and internet. Oh I guess make phone calls too. I really don’t care bout all the fancy stuff Apple, I just need it to do those things. And because I’m stupid, I’ll buy a new phone every 1 or 2 years. So keep the hype up so that when people see me they think I’m cool (we already know that I am, it doesn’t hurt that now those who don’t know me will think it). And ladies, yes I am single, but no I am not happy to see you, it’s just that I have a bigger phone in my pocket, and yes, yes it is an iPhone 5. What up girrrrrlll???
Sometimes I say funny things in 140 characters or less. Follow me on Twitter @idonesaidit