Monthly Archives: September 2012

Fantasy Recap Week 3…

So I’m a few days late. Sue me.  Kidding, I don’t need that shit in my life.  At this point in the season you’re either:

  • Sitting pretty at 3-0 and trying to strengthen your bench
  • Doing OK at 2-1 and trying to figure out if you’re wins are a fluke or if that loss is gonna be a sign of things to come
  • 1-2 with two thoughts, if you just won your game, you think the first 2 losses were just bad luck (playing highest scoring team or poor performance) or you just lost your last game after being 1-1 and trying to figure out what you can do to make your team better so that you don’t fall to the dreaded 1-3
  • ORRRRR you are 0-3 (Beef and Chi-town in my more “seasoned” league).  Much like those 2 fools, if you are 0-3, you probably just suck at fantasy football.  Time to make trades.  Or find out what you are doing now and do the exact opposite.  Why? Because… because you suck!

Well with that being said, let’s hit our team of the week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Ben Roethlisberger – 384 yards and 4 TD’s.  Not too bad, how many of you had him on your bench??

RB – Jamaal Charles – Now this is what I’m talking about! 233 yards and a TD (on a 91 yard run!).  Doing work for his fantasy owners, and making the Ain’ts (get it, Saints) pay for it.

RB – Maurice Jones-Drew – 177 yards and a TD.  You sir, have made people who didn’t draft you because of contract issues hate your guts.

WR – A.J. Green – 9 catches, 183 yards, 1 TD from a wildcat play.  I hate you asshole.  You beat my Redskins.

WR – Torrey Smith – 6 catches, 127 yards, 2 TD’s.  Inspiring play hours after his brother passed away.

RB/WR – Andre Brown – 113 yards and 2 TD’s in a relief role for Bradshaw.  The Panthers are STILL trying to tackle him.

TE – Heath Miller – 8 catches, 60 yards, 2 TD’s.  If you notice the trend is that other tight ends than the top 3 or 4 are getting stats now.

K – Ryan Succop – 6 field goals. 6. Count ’em. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6!

DEF – Chicago Bears – 6 sacks, 2 INT’s and a TD.  And the Rams looked so good against the Redskins last week….

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because you are assholes)

QB – Philip Rivers – 173 yards, 2 INT.  Depleted Falcons secondary.  Way to do nothing for my fantasy team asshole.  GET BETTER!

RB – Frank Gore – 63 yards and a fumble.  Exactly what everybody who owned you had in mind.

RB – Chris Johnson – I don’t even think giving him credit for “stats” is fair to the word “stats.”  CJ0k(e) everybody

WR – Desean Jackson – 3 catches 43 yards.  All that shit you talk and you only caught 3 balls. Dick.

WR – Marques Colston – Blame Brees? Nope, you drop too many passes you idiot.

RB/WR – Stevan Ridley – Yeh it was Baltimore, but how bout a few catches or something, damn. And spell your name right asshole.

K – Adam Vinatieri – When you are counting on his extra points to get you the majority of your kicking points you know he sucks.

DEF – New England – Statistically speaking, you guys suck.  Remove statistics and you still suck.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Jeremy Kerley of the Jets.  Apparently he’s the only one on the team that wants to actually try to win. Returning kicks and catching passes.  That’s 2 more things than Santonio Holmes does (drumrooolll).

Haha, oh but if it was, things would be that much more amazing!

 

 

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FIFA 13…

GOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.  If you’ve played against me in any of the past forms of FIFA, you’ve heard the announcer say that to you so many times that you’ve probably wanted to kill me.  I’m being serious, and you know deep down you’ve felt it.  The FIFA Soccer series is the best selling sports video game series of all time, yes football, better than Madden.  My first experience with FIFA Soccer was in the summer of 1993 when it was called FIFA International Soccer.  The game wasn’t beautiful in appearance but it was entertaining as hell.  And the wins over your friends tasted oh so sweet (I’m lookin’ at you Steve and Brad), especially when you would put your player directly in front of the goalie and deflect the ball into the net off a header (biggest glitch ever).  From there it was just a matter of improving the game every year, and the crew at EA Sports most definitely did that.  FIFA 95 gave us club teams with fake player names, FIFA 96 gave us real players, 1998’s editions (plural folks) gave us authenticity and the excitement of the World Cup in France (Tubthumping anyone?), FIFA 2002 where I perfected the use of the radar and midfield shots (the epic Beef breakdown that ensued is still one of my favorite video game moments of all time), and today’s versions where if you walk into a room you think you are watching a real game.  Today’s FIFA 13 marks the 20th game in the serious (not counting World Cup editions). If this game were a person, it would be my best friend.  It’d be my best man at my wedding. Shit, if it were a woman, it’d be my wife, if it would agree to said marriage.

I’ve owned all 20 variations of this game (and the 4 World Cup versions too).  It’s sad, but awesome at the same time.  I pride myself on being a decent person, but I can honestly say, that the majority of my lowest moments as human being have occurred playing this game.  Whether it’s an all night binge with a roommate til you finally win a game, or the reverse of that where you are just beating the ever living shit out of him until he finally calls it quits and won’t talk to you for a day or two.  It’s a game that can make lasting bonds yet  just as easily ruin friendships.  As some of my friends have said, it’s a game that is “forged in hell.”  And that “no good will come from 2 friends battling it out in this game.”  But to them I say, get better at the game and quit being so sensitive about losing. I can honestly say that I have great friendships with people because of this game, and also that some people will never, ever, ever like me because of this game, that’s how in tune to emotions this sports franchise is.  Whether it’s been hosting tournaments in Raleigh, North Carolina, to hurricane parties in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, or the all day 3 TV, 12 team group stage tournament in Washington, DC, the passion from all involved in the game shows.  And the memory lasts.  You always remember losing in front of a big group of people, you remember the goal you should have score, the pass you should have made, or the bullshit save that the opposing player’s keeper made.  It stays with you…forever?

FIFA Soccer to me is the reason that soccer even has any following in the United States.  Think about that for a minute.  The video game is why some people in America watch soccer.  The game is responsible for the growth of the sport Stateside. Actors play it, rappers (Snoop Dogg!), NBA players (Steve Nash), and NFL players (Calvin Johnson, Andrew Luck) do too.  Hell, I’m famous, and I play it!  But aside from the popularity it brings to this part of the world, the game is just great.  You can pop the disc in and play it and quickly get caught up in the competitive spirit.

I’ll give y’all my most memorable FIFA Soccer moments and you can decide whether or not you think I am just crazy or passionate:

  • Bad-1 Cups – Located in the “Tundra,” the cold weather in the basement provided a home-court advantage that I would use for numerous victories.  Shout out to all my boys growing up playing in these things.  Sucks that only 3 people (Me, Pinball, Omeezy) ever won it despite the over 20 people who tried, and I was doing it more and better than anyone else (AHEEAAA).  The Tundra is where a 90 minute video game isn’t abnormal, where “The Final Countdown” and “The Cup of Life” have a special meaning anytime you hear the songs, where you can beat someone so bad that they refuse to talk anymore while playing the game and of course where “I don’t wanna hear you breath” brings special meaning to brotherly love.
  • New Year’s Eve 2004 – Where one game turned to about 30, and next thing you know it wasn’t about celebrating the new year but instead about getting that “last win” of the year.  And if you lost that, you wanted the “first win” of 2005.  Sadly for Omeezy, I got both those titles.
  • Zoso- If you don’t know now you know.  Championship belts and title matches could be called at anytime.  We were the modern day WWF, WCW/NWO, and current WWE all wrapped in one.  If you weren’t careful someone could walk in and take that belt.  “A” game at all times.  Home of the infamous all day tourney where a young kid (baby Aziz) thought he could take on the master (Me) a 3-0 win by me witnessed by everyone proved otherwise.
  • Deathstar – Construction isn’t done, but it’s fully operational. Whether it was downing Moody during visits from DC, staying up til sunrise while your boy scares you and your opponent shitless from his snoring, or causing a fight between 2 close friends when one was visiting from Qatar, the game just causes memories left and right.

If you’ve ever complained that the computer is cheating, or that the computer has made up it’s mind on who is gonna win from kick off, or you keep your own score to the game aside from that which is displayed, or you blame your losses on the performance of the referee in the game, or that you pressed the shoot button but it passed instead, or that the only reason you lose is because the other person is a certain team, then you my friend have experienced what FIFA Soccer truly is.  A game where “head” and “kufta” mean something special to those who play it.  If you’ve ever debated the merit of this game versus Winning Eleven, then you know it’s in your blood.  So enjoy it folks, and happy 20th birthday FIFA Soccer (not really sure if you call it a birthday).  Thank you for growing up with me.  Thank you for making lasting friendships, and thank you for ruining other ones.  If you ever want a piece of me, you know where to find me.  I done said it.

And finally the best player in the world is on the cover. Thanks for jumping ship to EA. Maybe now he won’t get out run by Pepe…stupid computer cheating…

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Replacements…

re·place·ment/riˈplāsmənt/

Noun:
  1. The action or process of replacing someone or something.
  2. A person or thing that takes the place of another.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s just go ahead and say it together now.  The replacement officials in the NFL suck.  OK, that felt good.  As long as we are all in agreement on this one, we can move on.  Or can we?  This past weekend was filled with horrible officiating.  Last night’s Seahawks vs. Packers game was perhaps the worst end game situation ever decided by an officiating crew.  If you haven’t seen the replays or heard the uproar in the news (or read the players’ reactions around the NFL on Twitter, which by the way is hilarious) then get on it son.  Take a few minutes out of your day to watch it. Two things that stand out clearly on the play, one is that Golden Tate absolutely pushed off Sam Shields (missed offensive pass interference call) and two, M.D. Jennings intercepted the ball and all Golden Tate did was essentially hug Jennings and put a hand on the ball (and I assume he called “first” like he was playing pick up basketball, that is the only way in my mind that the ref could have been that confused to call that a touchdown).  That’s right, Golden Tate (who the hell names their child Golden?) cheated once to get a chance at the ball, then cheated again and pretended he had the ball, and the refs were like, “sounds good to me.”  The NFL’s commitment to integrity and player safety are out the window.  These “officials” officially suck (and that folks was a pun).  They have yet to control a game.  I don’t even think half of them know the rules.  Am I being harsh? Nope. I’m being real.

Let’s go through 5 (in no particular order) other jobs not as important as officiating where replacements would be just as horrible an idea:

  1. Air Force Pilots – Sure the replacement pilot flies Southwest airplanes, psshh he’s seen Top Gun like 20 times, of course he can do those cool turns in a jet!
  2. Doctors – Hey look guys, these Veterinarians can do just as good of a job, I mean, Pig and Human anatomy are almost identical.
  3. Accountants – Well he did get an A+ in Calculus, of course he’s qualified to handle your accounts!
  4. Lawyers – Our team is composed of the finest debate team standouts from their high school days, they can argue the hell out of anything (OK, this one might not be as far fetched…kidding lawyers, kidding).
  5. Mechanics – Experience? Oh well our guys were Lego Maniacs growing up, they can put shit together and take it apart fast!

Yes I just compared all of that to what is going on in the NFL right now.  Replacement refs have to go.  Hell, last week they had to remove an official because he was about to call a game for his favorite team (dude was in Saints gear all over his Facebook wall, and no me and him are not Facebook friends).  So since all of us watching can easily see what’s right and wrong, how are these replacements (with the aide of instant replay) still messing up? Well I’ll give you some reasons as to why, according to Twitter:

  1. They were filming a new Buffalo Wild Wings commercial and the guy at the bar hit the “Seattle wins” button.
  2. The ref who signaled touchdown had Golden Tate on his fantasy football team.
  3. The ref who signaled touchdown was playing against the Packers defense in fantasy football.

And now some quick fix solutions to the problem:

  1. Have Mitt Romney or Barrack Obama pay the $9 million difference between the NFL and the REAL officials and thereby gain more votes (Saw this on Twitter and busted out laughing, then kind of cried a little because this might actually help one of those idiots win the election).
  2. Have players call their own penalties and plays, kind of like pick up basketball (wait, isn’t that what’s happening now?).
  3. Kidnap Roger Goodell and send in his doppelganger to make fan supported decisions (ability to vote on the next play for the offense via texting!)
  4. Befriend a set of the replacements, find out if they are willing to not make some calls in favor of a certain team, bet on said team, win lots of money (pretty sure that’s what’s goin’ on right now).

So there you have it folks, your 2012 NFL season is already a joke, and with all these bad calls, somehow my Redskins will never be on the receiving end of one.  Shakin’ my damn head…

 

Ref 1 – Umm I wasn’t even watching the play, I was checking out the cheerleaders
Ref 2 – Shit a play happened? Touchdown!!

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Hispanic Heritage Month…

Due to the surplus of holiday spirit and of course the massive amounts of media coverage (cough cough) that Hispanic Heritage Month receives, I’ve decided to educate you on a major distinction within the Hispanic community, you know, ’tis the season…

Pet Peeve: /pet, pēv/. noun. – A minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to them, to a greater degree than others.

We all have that rather mild annoyance that just isn’t so mild to us. In fact, it makes us cringe every time we hear/see it. It might be bad grammar, loud gum-smacking, someone chewing with his/her mouth open, or someone wearing socks with sandals. The possibilities are endless. You can tell when you’ve struck someone’s pet peeve because you can see it in their face. It contorts uncontrollably into varying degrees of disgust.  I bring this topic up because I recently found myself guilty of committing one of my very own pet peeves (Ain’t that a bitch?). My face almost collapsed into itself once I realized it. I guess it’s because I have grown accustomed to hearing it said so much that I’ve accepted it as normal.  But it isn’t.  And I vow to never commit such a heinous crime ever again. I hope that by clearing it up here others will be deterred as well.

Here’s the Pet Peeve: People referencing to anything Hispanic/Latino as “Spanish” when they don’t actually mean Spaniard.

Whether it’s the dreaded, “Are you Spanish?” or the “I’m craving Spanish food.” and even “I love Spanish music.”  It all makes me cringe. ESPECIALLY when a person of Hispanic/Latino heritage does it. Here’s why it should make you cringe as well. Change the word “Spanish” in all of the above sentences to “English”. Does it make any sense now? It does only if you are asking the person if they are from England, if you are craving a typical dish from England, or if you are stating that you love aaaallll music that is in the English language ranging from fairy tale Disney Musicals to hardcore triple X Gangster Rap. Otherwise….No. No, it does NOT make any sense.

Yes, I love you English people as well. Even though you’re not English. At all…

Here’s your lesson: To avoid this mistake, just follow these simple rules:

  1.  Ask someone if they are Spanish ONLY if you actually want to know if they are Spaniard. You know asking if they are from Spain
  2. You are craving Spanish food ONLY if you are craving a typical dish from Spain (Paella, Gazpacho, Tapas, etc) and not Puerto Rican, Mexican, Cuban, etc.
  3. You love Spanish music ONLY if you like every single genre as long as it is sung in the Spanish language.

Here’s your bonus lesson: There’s no general consensus for the terms Hispanic vs Latino, however, most would agree with the following

  1. Hispanic – Someone/something of Spanish-Speaking origin/ancestry. In my personal opinion, this includes ALL Spanish-Speaking countries and excludes non-Spanish-speaking countries (Spain, Mexico, Puerto Rico, etc but NOT Brazil, Belize, Guyana, etc).
  2. Latino/a – Someone/something with origins in Latin America (or descendent thereof). Whether they speak Spanish or not is irrelevant. (includes Brazil, French Guyana, etc but NOT Spain, Portugal, etc). So, by this general rule, Spaniards are Hispanic but not Latino. Brazilians are Latino but not Hispanic. Confused? Good.

Don’t leave us feeling this way. It tires my eyes and brain out when I think this hard.

Hopefully this clears things up. If not, then oh well. Just don’t be surprised when I hit you with a contorted WTF face next time you say it. If it did clear things up, then I’m glad that we are all on the same page and well-educated. What are your pet peeves? Let’s end the pet peeves one at a time. I DONE SAID IT.

-This Guest Post was written by ERockPerez, you can follow him on twitter @ERockPerez.  I love it when Spanish people…err I mean Hispanic…or maybe I mean Latino people contribute to the blog….

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It’s Finally Here!!

Today is the day. The day we’ve all been waiting for. The day where the greatest cell phone in the history of cell phones (until the next one comes out in a year) finally comes out. D-Day. September 21, 2012. The day of the iPhone 5 (for those in the know, it’s actually the 6th phone being released, and for those that didn’t know, now you know). I don’t know how many of you camped out so that you could be the “first on your block” to have the latest and greatest cellular telephone provided by Apple, but I’m sure you had a blast in the cold, on the sidewalk, in the rain, next to that weird guy staring at you, and the other weird guy that smells, and that hot girl 10 people in front of you that you hoped didn’t see you staring at her. I bet that shit was fun! And now you have it. You have your “golden ticket.” You’ve got that “golden twinkle in your eyes” (if you didn’t get the Willy Wonka and Chocolate Factory reference then you are an asshole and I hate you and we can never be friends, and if we are friends, consider the friendship over as of now). You’re in love. You don’t mind that your network still sucks (I’m looking at you AT&T and Verizon). You’re just posting away on Facebook, “OMG, just got my new iPhone 5, this thing is sooooo much better than the last one” (how many likes did that status get bro?). You tweeted about it, “First time ever waiting in line for an iPhone” (hashtag iPhone5 or is that #iPhone5, am I supposed to write that out or just type it?). And then there are the people who are getting the new iPhone 5 but just waiting till the craziness dies down (or waiting on the pre-order shipment to be delivered). For us, we are looking at your posts, reading ’em, making fun of you, but at the same time jealous that we don’t have ours yet. So why all the frenzy for this new iPhone? What’s so special about it that it sold 2 million pre-orders in the first 24 hours? What makes it great? Hell what makes it different than the one I currently own? For these answers, I go to the specifications.

  • Operating software – the new iOS 6
  • Dimensions – 4.87 x 2.31 x 0.30 (123.8 x 58.6 x 7.6 mm)
  • Weight – 3.95 0z (112 g)
  • Display Size – 4 inches
  • Resolution – 640 x 1136 pixels
  • Pixel Density – 326 ppi (Retina Display)
  • Battery – 9.4 days (225 hours) stand by time
  • Talk Time – 8.0 hours (3G)
  • System Chip – Apple A6
  • Processor – Dual Core, 100 MHz
  • Video – Full 1080p video recording
  • Camera – 8 megapixel rear camera, 1.2 megapixel front facing camera
  • Hardware – 1GB Ram
  • Internal Storage – 16, 32, or 64 GB
  • Network – 4G LTE
  • Plug – Proprietary USB Connector

Wow right?!! All of that? In a phone?!?? This shit is amazing!! Right?? Right?? Umm well if any of you are like me (I know you really aren’t, I’m one of a kind, but let’s use that figure of speech here, it works), you are probably like what the hell does any of that shit mean? Well folks, I’m here to help you with that too! Now the specifications of the iPhone 5, the way that I understand it. Here it is, my review (it’s kind of a review) of the iPhone 5.

  • Operating software – the new iOS 6. What do you mean you took off google maps?? What the hell is this Apple maps shit? It doesn’t even work right! Is there a Mapquest App??
  • Dimensions – 4.87 x 2.31 x 0.30 (123.8 x 58.6 x 7.6 mm). It’s bigger than my last iPhone.
  • Weight – 3.95 0z (112 g). It’s lighter than my last iPhone. Wait, how the hell is it bigger but lighter?? I’m confused?
  • Display Size – 4 inches. Bigger screen bitches!!
  • Resolution – 640 x 1136 pixels. That’s a lot of pixels right?
  • Pixel Density – 326 ppi (Retina Display). Umm do any of you guys know what a retina is?
  • Battery – 9.4 days (225 hours) stand by time. So you’re saying if I don’t do a damn thing with my phone, the battery lasts for 9.4 days…pretty cool right? Most worthless specification ever.
  • Talk Time – 8.0 hours (3G). 8 hours to talk? Hell yes. Ehh, actually I’ll just send you a text.
  • System Chip – Apple A6. I thought Audi made the A6?
  • Processor – Dual Core, 100 MHz. Dual means 2, and core workouts are like awesome ways to get a good work out. So having 2 cores is freaking awesome! And 100 MHz, 100 is a big number guys, Benjamins galore!
  • Video – Full 1080p video recording. Sweet, the video can still be put on Facebook!
  • Camera – 8 megapixel rear camera, 1.2 megapixel front facing camera. So you’re saying my camera is bigger in the back small in the front? I like big butts and I cannot lie.
  • Hardware – 1GB Ram. Green Bay over the Rams any day.
  • Internal Storage – 16, 32, or 64 GB. The progression of video game systems. Super Nintendo, Sega CD, Nintendo 64.
  • Network – 4G LTE. So finally my cell phone service isn’t going to suck??? Please for the love of God make this the case.
  • Plug – Proprietary USB Connector. I have to buy a whole bunch of new shit now??? New chargers, new random shit?? Dammit!

Well there you have it. The new iPhone 5, in all it’s glory! I had work today, so I couldn’t wait in line for one. Actually, even if I didn’t have work, I wouldn’t have waited in line. But I did pre-order, so in a few weeks, I’ll be that guy posting on Facebook and Twitter (tweet tweet bitches) about how the new screen is sooooo much clearer than the last one. Or how it’s like 53 times faster than the older iPhone. And that if you have a Samsung Galaxy phone you suck at life (You mad bro? Fight me bro!). Android phones suck!! Or maybe, I’ll just have a new phone and do what I do with my current phone. Text, take pictures, play games, and check my e-mail, Facebook, Instagram, and internet. Oh I guess make phone calls too. I really don’t care bout all the fancy stuff Apple, I just need it to do those things. And because I’m stupid, I’ll buy a new phone every 1 or 2 years. So keep the hype up so that when people see me they think I’m cool (we already know that I am, it doesn’t hurt that now those who don’t know me will think it). And ladies, yes I am single, but no I am not happy to see you, it’s just that I have a bigger phone in my pocket, and yes, yes it is an iPhone 5. What up girrrrrlll???

Boom, the new iPhone 5. Wait.. this is the new phone right? Hmm, looks pretty close to the one I have now…umm ok, there it is, the small plug thingy, this is definitely the new one. Wow it looks so new and cool. I can’t wait to touch it!

Sometimes I say funny things in 140 characters or less. Follow me on Twitter @idonesaidit

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Talk Like A Pirate Day! …Arrr…

Ahoy matey!  Batten down the hatches.  Lest ye landlubbers fancy ye ole plank, then oblige and speak ye mothers tongue.  I really have no idea if what I typed conveyed the message I was trying to get across, but whatever.  Today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! ARRRRRRRRRR!!!  Get your pirate patches and wear em like you don’t give a shiiit (or if you are wearing a patch from some kind of trauma to one of your eyes, wear it proudly today and pretend that today, even if just a moment,  that you CHOSE to have that patch, feel normal…you’re welcome).  Ladies, I give you permission to dress up like wenches.  Fellas, carry a swashbuckling sword.  Put on a pirate hat.  Wear feminine boots that you may claim you bought solely for this and Halloween, but we all know the truth.  Act stupid, and try to speak piratey and shit.   Buy a parrot? Or don’t, that probably won’t end too well.  Enjoy the day by being different. You know, by acting like a pirate.  This is the 10th anniversary of this day and the 2 dudes who came up with it are probably just as weird as I am, and for that I say thank you 2 dudes who are weird who decided to make a pirate day.  Avastttttt (no idea what that means).

 

ARRRRRR….YARRRRR….CARRRR??? STARRR??? BARRRR??? Ugh, this isn’t as easy as I thought….

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Fantasy Recap Week 2

Week 2 done.  Aside from the horrible officiating, the football has been awesome.  Crazy stats from unsung heroes.  While major players are doing zip, zero (stingy with dinero).  So while I am hating on a lot of guys from my teams this weekend, some other guys have picked up the slack.  I’m 4-2 in 3 leagues through 2 weeks, not too bad, but not 6-0 either.  Ok, no more ranting, let’s get to the team of the week.

Stars of the Week

QB – Eli Manning – 3 interceptions…and over 500 yards and 3 touchdowns.  As much as I love my man RG3, Eli gets this weeks top nod.

RB- Reggie Bush – You got my respect last year for helping me win a championship.  This year you’re actually running the ball. Go on with your bad self looking like you at USC again.  172 yards and 2 TD’s.

RB – CJ Spiller – Hot damn, CJ done made the list again.  123 yards and 2 TD’s.  The Bills need to keep giving him the ball, even if Fred Jackson comes back.

WR – Hakeem Nicks – 10 catches, 199 yards, 1 TD.  I played against this asshole in all 3 of my leagues (1-2 this week folks). Eli just kept throwing it up and Tampa Bay kept letting receivers catch it.

WR – Danny Amendola – 15 catches, 160 yards, 1 TD.  Asshole single-handedly beat my Redskins.

RB/WR – Victor Cruz – 11 catches, 179 yards, 1 TD, and a salsa dance celebration.

TE – Dante Rosario – 4 catches, 48 yards, 3 TD’s. THREE!! Damn you Gates, that could have been you, instead you had to be hurt…again.  Too bad nobody actually started you or even owned you on their team.  Don’t worry folks, this guy won’t ever do this again.

K – Justin Tucker – 2 kicks from 50+ yards.  A 40 yarder too, just for the hell of it.

DEF –  Green Bay – Mostly because Jay Cutler is a little bitch and I want to rub it in, but they sacked him 7 times.  Get rid of the ball you idiot.

Now that you’ve seen the good, let’s get to the bad.

Assholes of the Week (Assholes because you cost people wins)

QB –  Jay Cutler – 126 yards, 1 TD, 4 interceptions.  I’d only blame one of those picks on somebody other than you Jay.

RB – Chris Johnson – CJOKE.  Damn you, I’ve had you on my team for 2 years now and you’ve done absolutely nothing you douche bag.

RB – Darren McFadden – way to do absolutely nothing on the ground again, and then not have a good day catching the ball.  Hero one week, goat the next.

WR – Larry Fitzgerald – 1 catch, 4 yards.  ONE catch, FOUR yards.  This is the fault of his QB.  This guy’s career is being wasted in Arizona.

WR – Dez Bryant – 3 catches, 17 yards and a fumble.  Pretty solid.  All the talent in the world with most of the stupidity in the world too.

WR/RB – Brandon Marshall – his QB sucks, so naturally he would suck too.

K – Dan Bailey – I’m sure everyone is thanking you for that 1 point this week.

DEF – Kansas City – or Kansas Shitty, whatever you wanna call em, they didn’t stop anyone.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

If he’s still available in your leagues, Danny Amendola, should be scooped up.  In PPR leagues he is a monster.  The Rams are gonna throw a ton and most will be quick short passes to the “next Wes Welker.” Get him if you can.

Any others that we should be made aware of?

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Country Music…

…is awesome.  That’s right. It is. If you’ve never listened to country music and you are shaking your head right now saying no it’s not, then you are a damn idiot.  Yep, you are.  That’s straight ignorant.  Country music might be the only kind of music left where the words actually mean something.  Sure some of the songs are fun, quirky, or stupid, but that is the minority.  Unlike other genres where the stupid and dumb are the norm (I’m looking at you Hip Hop), country music brings something to the table.  That something is great voices and emotion to their songs.  Now I’m not naive enough to think that country music is better today than it was 10 years ago (definitely not the case), or that it’s better than 1980’s power ballads (“I am a man who will fight for your honoooorrr”), but it’s good shit people.  Listen to it, seriously.  You might hate the twang in some of the guys’ voices, but listen to the words.  Remember “I swear” and “I can love you like that” by All 4 One? Well those were country songs first (thank you John Michael Montgomery).  What about you girls who swooned over 98 degrees (and rising) version of “I do (cherish you.” Well obviously they weren’t talented enough to write that or even sing it first.  It was Mark Wills of country music fame who sang it first.  Whitney Houston may have made “I will always love you” a classic, but it started as a country song, thank you Dolly Parton.  All of that and I still haven’t even mentioned the awesomeness that is line dancing.  Yep, I said line dancing.  If you’ve never seen people line dance in person, you HAVE TO!!  It’s amazing how these people can stomp out to every song being played (they just know what to do, it’s freaking magic!).  It’s like a step contest in college, except everybody is wearing a cowboy hat and boots (oh and maybe 1 or 2 of the people are black, and if you watch, or stare like I do,  you will see they are far superior in line dancing as well).  So haters keep hating country music and by doing this stay ignorant.  Those of us who are smart enough to try different things out will be pleasantly surprised by what this genre of music has to offer.

Beep, beep mother effers…

 

I do like it, and I do love it…so please do give me some more of it…

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Fantasy Recap Week 1

I’m sure everybody is on cloud 9 (what does that even mean?) after this first weekend of the NFL.  If you are one of the millions who play fantasy football then you either had an awesome first weekend or are really pissed because of an injury or a horrible performance that cost you in your first game of the season.  There is a ton to talk about regarding this past weekend, but I’m gonna keep it all fantasy football related.  I’m a try to do a Tuesday blog every week that highlights the best and worst performers of the past week (all of this is based on a PPR scoring setting).  I may even give a sleeper here and there too (who knows, I might just be nice).  And here we go.

Stars of the Week

QB – Matt Ryan – Matty Ice looked like a young Peyton Manning slinging the ball around in a fast paced pass friendly offense.  4 total TD’s and 299 passing yards.  Yes please.

RB – CJ Spiller – Way to take advantage of an injury.  169 on the ground with touchdown.  If you started him, congrats. (Probably won’t happen again tho)

RB – Stevan Ridley – 125 on the ground and a touchdown.  The Pats have a running game? Wow.  Not gonna lie, I had him on the bench.

WR – Kevin Ogletree – Big game against a depleted secondary.  Everybody will be trying to pick him up this week.  He will probably do nothing for the rest of the season.  Oh and the Cowboys suck.

WR – Julio Jones – Someone had to be catchin’ Matt Ryan’s balls (that didn’t sound right).  Julio did work with 2 TD’s/

WR/RB – Darren McFadden – 13 receptions!!! You had to have been happy despite the horrible rushing stats if you owned him.  Solid outing for him at least.

TE – Jimmy Graham – He’s tall. He’s good. He’s a jackass who almost beat my ‘Skins.  If you drafted him early, you were happy with your results.

K – Nate Kaeding – 5 FG…that’s a pretty solid day for a kicker

DEF – Ravens – Shut down the Bengals in the 2nd half.  Ed Reed’s INT return for  TD sealed the deal.

Assholes of the Week

QB – Mike Vick – 4 interceptions? Really bro…against the Browns?  He looked like he was playing Madden 13 and was just throwing it up all day.

RB – Michael Turner – You sir, are a gigantic asshole for that horrible performance.  That is all.  If people won with you on their team, it’s because they are awesome (ahem ahem).

RB – Fred Jackson – I know he got hurt, but fantasy owners don’t care and neither do I.  You cost a lot of people a win this week champ.

WR – Wes Welker – I hate you so much for how shitty you were this week.  Hey Brady, throw him the damn ball, you Ugg wearing douchebag.

WR – Marques Colston – Even if you were still listed as a TE (biggest fantasy glitch ever!) this performance would have sucked.  You cost your real life team and your fantasy teams a win.  Enjoy that.

WR/RB – Dwayne Bowe – Hey guy, thanks for showing up in a game that all you guys did was really throw the ball. Oh that’s right you didn’t.

TE – Antonio Gates – Come on bro, you’ve gotta make that TD grab.  You def disappointed in your first game being “100% healthy” in years.

K – Mason Crosby – Thanks for kicking 2 extra points…I’d rather have another running back than a kicker who gets me 2 points. Dick.

DEF – Bills – You spend all that money in the offseason on defense and give up 48 points to the Jets….the freaking JETS???  They didn’t score  TD in the preseason.  And no, Mark Sanchez is not good. And “Baby Jesus” (Tim Tebow) is not the answer.
Pretty solid selections I know.  I’m awesome like that.  And since I’m awesome, I’m gonna help you fools out.

Free Agent Pick Up of the Week

Dexter McCluster – Why you ask? He’s like the 4th string RB on his team.  Yes, yes he is. But he’s also the starting slot receiver.  In a 10 or 12 team league, he is a solid 10 – 15 point producer a week.  Not to start at WR, but at RB.  That’s right, he’s this years fantasy glitch.  Great player to have as a bye week replacement for your starting running backs.  At least you’d be putting some form of a starter on the field.  I went all in on McCluster this year.  I don’t plan on being disappointed.

Because a Wizard playing football is awesome. Oh and just because it’s a fantasy doesn’t mean it’s not real….huh? What? Right…

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Campaigning…

One day I want to run for President anonymously.  My whole campaign would be smoke and mirrors type shit.  Only my inner circle would know who I am.  My campaign would be as simple as it can be.  “Vote for Me.”  That’s all I would put up everywhere around the country.  No one would know that “Me” is me, but they’d know my platform.  My thoughts on the economy, foreign policy, health care, education, and energy would be practical.  I’m no Romney, and I’m no Obama, and to me that’s a good thing.  In times like this where it seems like everyone is picking a President because he’s the “lesser of two evils,” practicality is what is lacking. This thought process has always been so baffling to me, mostly due to the fact that we are the strongest nation in the world and the best we can come up with is “lesser of two evils” and not an actual solid candidate…sad face.  Disclaimer, I have voted in two elections, once voting Republican and once voting Democrat.  I do not like to say I am of a particular party because I think that both have their faults.  I also don’t like being called an independent, so let’s just say that I am American and let that be that.  So without further delay, my policy fixes for the whole world to behold:

  1. Economy – Tier the taxes.  Reduce the tax breaks.  Economies crumble worldwide due to a lack of a true middle-class.  We can’t let that happen here.  Use accountants, math-magicians, and economists to come up with a viable plan that taxes certain brackets at certain levels.  Cut tax breaks to a max of 7-12% lower than your bracket.  There is no reason billionaires should be paying a less percentage of taxes than hundred-thousandaires.  I understand that by doing this, the wealthy are paying more than others as is, but they are also making more, and let’s be real here, the rich can “afford” it…literally.
  2. Foreign Policy – Bring back our troops.  Mediate.  Help with negotiations.  Attack when threatened.  We shouldn’t instigate wars (not saying we have, but just throwing this in my policy).  We shouldn’t be the first to defend every country.  America is over 200 years old as we know it as a Democracy, and we still aren’t a perfect nation.  We can’t force Democracy on other nations.  It isn’t feasible, and as shown in Iraq, it isn’t easy to accomplish.  Use the money from the wars to help create jobs for the soldiers during “peace time.”  Maybe even use the soldiers to have a solid home defense that’s on call.  No one is stupid enough to think they can win a war against the USA.  They can attempt to strike fear, but if we use our resources to monitor and defend, by improving Homeland Security, we will be left alone (one man’s opinion).
  3. Health care – Yeh insurance for everyone is great in theory, but theory sometimes isn’t practical.  The problem with health care isn’t that everyone needs insurance, the problem is that the insurance companies are winning in their little game of monopoly.  We should first fix the insurance companies.  That is where the real problem lies.  Decrease the premiums and make insurance affordable.  Providing health care for all only gives the insurance companies more power.  You have to remove the head of the snake to kill it…the health care issue is the snake, the insurance companies are the head.
  4. Education – Make school affordable and available for all.  Some states have programs where if you maintain certain GPA’s you can attend public universities for free.  This works great for families who can not afford to provide for their children otherwise. Education shouldn’t be a burden on students.  A student shouldn’t avoid medical, law, or any professional program because of the return on investment.  Work with the number guys regarding the economy to figure out a way to make students get breaks on their student loans in the form of tax credits or lowering interest rates.  If you reduce the interest rates on student loans or even allow those who’ve borrowed to write off the full interest on their loans, that saved money will be thrown back into the economy.  Fix this now.
  5. Energy – Become a more efficient nation.  Use the wind, it’s free.  Use the sun, it’s free.  Continue pushing fuel efficiency in vehicles.  Reduce power usage with smarter factories, smarter homes, smarter people.  One idiot can mess things up for everyone.  Cut down on usage by using what you need and not what you have.  Think about it.

I know I’ll never be President of the United States, but that doesn’t mean I can’t say what I want and think will help fix it.  Maybe this November, everyone can write me in on the ballots.  And if not this year, watch out for me in 2020 (those who know me will get the reference).  Remember folks, VOTE FOR “ME,” you won’t regret it.

I’m this guy (thumbs pointing right at my face), and I approved this message.

The slogan that can’t lose…Together “Me” can??

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