Monthly Archives: August 2012

Fantasy Football

Tonight I have a Fantasy Football draft with the biggest bunch of assholes a person could be friends with (my sisters are in this draft and basically included in that description).   The league is comprised of a bunch of degenerates who are not to be trusted and who in all actuality never grew up (I’m included here).  So if I hate all of them so much, why do I continue to participate? Well because it gives me a good place to use all my hatred instead of going on a murdering spree (better for the environment I say!).  If you aren’t doing Fantasy Football with a bunch of “friends” I suggest trying it, it’s a good way to find other reasons to make fun of people through out the year, and in the end isn’t that what friendship is really about.  My job in any Fantasy League (aside from winning of course) is to be the trash talker.  Every league needs that, and that’s what I provide.  Aside from this, today I will give you my 10 sure fire  ways to win your league.  I hope you are ready!

Follow these rules and win your league this year!

  1. Draft a Defense in the first round – Nobody will see it coming and you will get to pick which team you prefer the most.  Defense wins championships! Start your team out strong!
  2. Draft a number 2 receiver in the 2nd round – Pray the number 1 gets hurt and boom laugh all the way to a championship
  3. Kicker, kicker, kicker – you have to have a good kicker to win, game is on the line you need him to hit the winning kick.  Draft a good one early!
  4. Running back – try to find the guy who is best available based off of the new Madden 13 ratings.  Trust me this always works.
  5. Defense again – again guys defense wins championships. The other teams won’t know what to do when you’ve already got TWO top defenses.
  6. Tight end – draft someone who is really big and fast or someone with an ethnic last name, they always do good
  7. Quarterback – This is where you win it.  Draft a rookie quarterback.  Just like they do in the pro’s! When he’s good in a few years you can say you saw it first!
  8. Get as many offensive lineman as your league allows – you can’t win without protection.  You also can’t conceive with protection…or can you?
  9. Running back – Simulate through midseason on Madden 13, then take the highest rated running back still left based off of Madden stats
  10. Injuries – Pick up injured star players early, when they come back they will be motivated!

Madden 13 came out today, Megatron is on the cover, pick him as high as you can, we all know that means he’s gonna have an amazing season. There is no such thing as a Madden Curse!

When you win this year, I expect ALL the credit!


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Steroids And Sports…

Lance Armstrong is being stripped of his 7 Tour de France victories by the US Anti Doping Agency (USADA).  Melky Cabrera is suspended for 50 games for violating Major League Baseball (MLB) performance enhancing drug (PED) policies. Ditto with Bartolo Colon (seriously, everybody should have known he was cheating).  What do all these stories have in common aside from the PED use?  If you guessed “nobody cares” then you are correct!  Nobody cares if people are using PED’s to perform in their sport.  I’m pretty sure 90% (definitely just made that number up) of athletes use them and I don’t care.  Why don’t I care? Because I like to see bigger, stronger, faster athletes (with the exception of LeBron, he’s on something and I don’t like watching him).  Deep down none of us care that athletes are using steroids or what not.  We may act all holier than thou, but the truth is we don’t care.  Or rather, we don’t care to know.  We all know that the majority of professionals athletes are cheating, we just don’t want to know about it.  I’d rather be ignorant and watch the NFL be awesome.  I’d rather watch a bunch of home runs than singles and doubles.  I’d rather see alley-oops and crazy blocked shots than 12 foot jumpers (although that is sorely needed to make players better).  Excitement is where it’s at.  Do you honestly believe that the track and field competitors at the Olympics weren’t on drugs?  Come on guys, bodies evolve, but the speed and the look of these athletes screams “I just got a shot in my butt and I’m super strong.”  Victor Conte (of Balco and Barry Bonds fame) recently said he thinks 50% of the players in MLB are juicing (and I don’t mean the drinks).  I say that number is higher.  But I don’t care.  And deep down you don’t either.  Let ’em do what they want.  In the end it’s all just “fake” to the observer anyway, just like everything else on TV.  Give us our shows with the exciting parts and get rid of the slow unnecessary parts.  Give me the athletes on steroids that can do incredible things and get rid of the guys that look fresh out of the roaring 20’s.  There. I done said it.

More juice? Don’t mind if you do!

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Oh Snooze button how I love thee.  Even if you are just a tease with regards to getting extra sleep, that extra 9 minutes of hope you provide me gives me reason to believe.  Hope that I do not have to actually wake up and go to work, but that I can stay bundled up in bed all day.  I may hit you 4-6 times a morning, but please do not take this as abuse.  I do it because I love you, and because you make my morning just a little bit enjoyable because I know I can doze off for just a few more minutes.  When you snooze, you don’t lose, in fact when you snooze, you win…you win at life.

Oh Snooze, because of you, I can dream again…

Snooze button, you are such a jerk, I loathe thee.  Why are you only worth a measly 9 minutes more of sleep?  Every morning when I see you it is a constant reminder that I have to get up.  And when my hand goes to press you, I do so violently and with anger, because you follow the “alarm” that awakens me from my heavenly dreams.  I know that you are just a tease, just toying with my emotions only to break my heart in a few minutes.  Whoever said “when you snooze, you lose” was on point, because every morning that I hit that Godforsaken button, I feel like I have just lost in the game of life.

Sure I’d like to Snooze, let me just find the way to reach over and hit you…

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It’s Back!

What’s back?  Endless Shrimp at Red Lobster, that’s what!  Why am I so excited? Because I love SKRIMP…no seriously I love shrimp.  So yep, it’s back, and I’ve already been there once (emphasis on once so far, because I will be going back, please believe).  So I’m about to give you the tips to a successful Endless Shrimp trip to Red Lobster.  Pay close attention and let the deliciousness soak in.

  1. Avoid the Cheddar Bay Biscuits until after you receive your first order of shrimp.  I know it’s hard, but trust me the payoff is worth the agonizing minutes of staring at delicious hot biscuits (tell them to bring them out later if you can’t resist the temptations).
  2. When it comes time to order sides, avoid getting both sides at the same time.  Tell them to bring them out with the different orders of shrimp.
  3. Start with the heavier options of shrimp first (if you plan on getting the heavy options).  You can always squeeze in more of the lighter options at the end.
  4. When you are ordering your initial 2 choices, ask the waiter/waitress if you can go ahead and give them your next options so that when they bring your first options out, they can enter in the “refills.”  If you fail to do this, the waiter/waitress will disappear and they will pretty much count on your body to shut down and you to not get any refills.
  5. When in doubt keep eating.  Ok, not really, unless you are really trying to get a personal best of shrimp eating.  Sometimes your body will tell you when to stop while your brain fights that feeling of projectile vomit.  One of my friends once had 140 shrimp at an Endless Shrimp binge.  I am still proud of him til this day for this accomplishment more than anything else he’s done in his life.
  6. Order just a little more than you can eat and convince the servers to give you a to go box by showing them you’ve eaten from what they brought out.  Boom, lunch the next day!

So there you have it folks, my personal guide to defeating Endless Shrimp.  You can obviously make your own adjustments but eat as much as you can!  Oh and make sure you ask them what options there are that aren’t on the menu aka the secret shrimp.  For all the SKRIMP lovers like me, enjoy your feast!

Limited time only because they are gonna have a limit for how many times they let me in their establishment! SKRIMP!!!



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Winning At All Costs…

In random news of the day, a “top young US Scrabble player” (yes I said Scrabble) was accused of cheating at the US National Scrabble Championship (no idea if that is the official title of this tournament).  How did he do this you ask?  Well my man straight up swapped blank tiles that he had jacked from his first game in the tournament and kept using them throughout his matches.  He would cleverly “drop” his tiles and make the switch while picking them up.  I mean if I was gonna cheat, I would make it easier.  Just always put the letter face down so it looks like a blank tile and BOOM, you can play dumb if caught!  First off, WOW there is a Scrabble National Championship? Second, bro, really, you’re cheating at Scrabble?  You remind me of those jerks that cheat in Words with Friends, when it’s not even that necessary because they tell you if the word you are using is right or wrong!  You could literally guess all day til you came up with a word, why the hell do you have to cheat?  But I digress, although I would whoop anybody’s arse in Words with Friends (and Scramble with Friends, bring it!).  This story is laughable in that it’s an actual story.  But that reminds me of the time when I was in grad school and came back home to visit.  A group of friends who were still in college wanted to play Monopoly.  So we were all like “wooohooo let’s play Monopoly!”  Everybody came over, and from the beginning it was kind of weird how these 2 guys kept being able to afford such lavish properties without hesitation (I’m talkin’ Boardwalk and Park Place son, you know the ones that would get you like a Bajillion dollars from McDonald’s).  I questioned it, but the banker said that no money had been taken from the bank so we played on.  Well we played on til about an hour into the game, we realize these idiots brought Monopoly money from their home to play with us.  That’s right, my friends are that idiotic and that evil and sinister that they brought FAKE money from another board game so that they could win.  Pathetic right?  Indeed. I guess the old addage is true, “if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.”

Dear World,

You are screwed.



HA! Find your precious blank tiles now you scumbag!

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Sometimes I wish I had an aunt named Sally whom I loved dearly that would just act all kinds of awkward and say the weirdest things in public, so then I could politely ask people to overlook her outrageous antics.  Oh did I mention that she would be awesome at math too!

Please excuse my dear Aunt Sally.

I guess if she went out in public lookin’ like this I really would have to defend her actions…

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Let me start this by saying this is the greatest restaurant on the planet.  Formerly Showbiz Pizza (Where a kid can be a kid!), Chuck-E-Cheese’s has it all!  It’s got the BEST “worst” pizza ever. People may say not enough sauce and too much cheese, but I say delicious.  The games there are cheap as hell.  Compared to Dave and Buster’s, you could probably save $100 dollars per person per visit (that might or might not be an exaggeration).  Ever since childhood (that lasted til I was like 26) it has been one of my favorite spots to play games.  It’s like a theme park, but closer, cheaper, and with amazing pizza.  In fact, I had my 21st and 28th birthday parties there.  True story.  That actually happened.  So where am I going with all this?  Well I was talking to a stupid friend of mine this morning (emphasize the word stupid, because he really is an idiot) and I was suggesting that we go to Chuck-E-Cheese’s if we win a basketball game tonight.  So it made me think of the amazingness that is their pizza.  Oh and also of what transpired at my 28th birthday party (Enter flashback music and thought cloud).  It was a good 40 to 50 people (more likely 5 or 6 people) who turned out.  Full on adults just straight creeping at a Chuck-E-Cheese’s.  We ate our delicious pizza then went on to just push kids aside as we took over the game floor.  We were Kings and Queens in a land of Munchkins.  We did what we want.  We played Skee-ball like champions, raced each other like we were real professional drivers, and some of us (mainly me) dominated the Pop-a-shot.  In playing a Pop-a-shot though, there was a problem.  Mainly this 9-12 year old kid (no idea what his real age was).  He was at Chuck-E-Cheese’s that night because he had received a “B -minus” on his report card and his mom was rewarding him.  So this little prick, with the encouragement of a few of my jerkface friends, began talking shit to me.  He challenged me, I accepted.  We started playing.  It was obvious from the begining that I was the superior athlete (and probably Mathlete too).  I was killing him (despite some of my friends blocking my shots) and talking trash, but he wasn’t backing down, he kept yapping.  Then boom, game over, I murdered him.  He turns to me and goes, “you still suck.”  Me being the adult that I am responded quickly with, “Hey maybe if you’d have gotten an A on your report card you would have won.”  Ooooohhhh SNAP.  Not only did I win in the game, I beat him in trash talk too.  That lil punk went running off to his mom a loser.  My friends said I was being mean and that he was just a kid.  And you know what, I was being mean, and he was a kid, but don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.  Let that be the first real life lesson he learns.  Maybe it’ll help him in the classroom.  It most likely won’t though.  In the end, it was my Birthday and I could do whatever the hell I wanted to!  Sooo, does anybody wanna go to Chuck-E-Cheese’s with me?

Actual picture from said event. This was only 2 of the 3 tables. We strait ran that place!


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Dwight-mare Over

Well it finally happened.  Dwight Howard got traded.  And I can tell you this, the Orlando Magic got screwed.  Because D-Ho was being a douche for the past year, he pretty much ruined any kind of trade value the Magic could have gotten.  Why? Because everybody knew he wanted out of town.  Look, I understand that Bore-lando sucks.  You’ve got Disney World and Universal Studios (the Harry Potter rides are pretty legit).  That’s pretty much it.  So they traded him for whatever they could get apparently, which amounted to a Little Tikes basketball hoop, NBA Live ’95, 2 free flights on Southwest Airlines, and the ability to pick first in this years NBA Fantasy Football Draft (Pretty sure they are gonna take Aaron Rodgers!).

So let’s talk for real in what happened in this 4 team mega trade. Here is who got what:

Lakers – Dwight Howard

76ers – Andrew Bynum, Jason Richardson

Nuggets – Andre Iguadola

Magic – Aaron Afflalo, Al Harrington, 3 PROTECTED first round picks (in all honesty I’d have rather had the package that got me 2 free flights on Southwest with NBA Live ’95)

Yes their were other small bit players in this trade, but one that actually mean anything.  This trade was pure bullshit.  If you offer that trade in a video game, the computer probably fines you.  What I wanna know is what naked pictures of the Orlando Magic owner did these other teams have.  This trade strengthens every team EXCEPT, wait for it, the Orlando Magic.  So the Magic trade away the best player in this whole 4 team deal, and end up with the worst deal? What in the hell is going on here?!!  I’m pretty much gonna have to watch the Lakers and Heat on TV all season next year, this is gonna suck so bad.  Hey NBA, just get rid of all but like 8 teams, if trades like this are gonna keep happening.  It’s not worth the fan-vestment for all the other cities.

Ugh this just sickens me. (Pic from

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What’s In A Name?

Lately I’ve had a lot of friends (yes I have friends!) who are expecting childrens (yes I added the “s” at the end because I’m from the South and the ‘hood and that’s how we roll).  Once they figure out the gender of the baby, the questions from EVERYONE around them start to come.  “What are you gonna name your baby?” “Have you come up with a name?” “Who’s picking the name?” “Did you guys agree on a name yet?” “What about (insert name here)? It’s a really nice name.” “What… is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?”  As an expecting couple, I’m sure these questions start getting on your nerves (just like it’s annoying when people rub an expecting woman’s belly, unless you have an itch, then I bet that isn’t such a bad thing, or is it?).  So what are you gonna name your baby?  Yep, I just did that.  What is the fair way to determine who names the child? Luckily for you guys, I know the answer, and I’m gonna break it down for you…bullet point style!

When naming a child precedence goes as follows:

  • Culture – Follow cultural norms for first born.  Some cultures name their first born sons after the father of the son.
  • History – Follow family naming patterns. James I, James Jr., James III (you get it?)

Once these are observed the rules are as follows:

  • Whoever name the first born child relinquishes the right to name the second born.  Think of it like a pick up game of basketball, you don’t get the first and second pick at the playground.  Be fair let the other spouse get dibs on the second child.
  • Alternate thereafter if there is no consensus on the name of a child.  If you do not like the alternating approach after child number 2, then paper, rock, scissors is your best bet (obviously we know how I feel about PRS
  • If the name doesn’t follow the Culture or History category and is a stupid name, just don’t do it.  Seriously, if it’s a name that is gonna put your kid in the psychiatrists office at the age of 14, just save that poor child the emotional damage.

Simple.  I just saved a whole lot of couples arguments.  BOOMSHACKALACKA (that is definitely not even appropriate for this conversation)!! If all else fails tho, just name your child after me.  If you don’t know my name, ya betta ask somebody!

Your name is Orangello? Wow…sorry for you bro…

(If you are a chick and you answered one of those questions in the first paragraph with “An African or European Swallow?” then we should probably get married and make babies so that this blog will then become relevant to our situation. Call me….maybe?)


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NASA Is Back!

So after nothing cool happening from NASA in a while, they landed the Curiosity rover on Mars this morning at 1:33 AM.  The purpose of this “mission” is to drive a cool ass robot on another planet and tell all your friends about it…ok that isn’t really the purpose.  They are trying to assess whether or not the planet can be inhabitable.  Say whattttt??? That’s right!! I’m a be booking my ticket to Mars soon! Woohoo!  Well in theory it sounds cool.  That is, until you start looking at the logistics of the whole thing.  Let me start by saying its a 352 million mile trip (one way!), and you thought going to Disney World driving sucked?!  That ride alone would void the manufacturer’s warranty on whatever spaceship you buy.  Next on the “this isn’t as cool as it first sounded” list is that this trip STARTED November 26, 2011.  That was about NINE (9 for those of you who can’t read) months ago!!  Assuming that you aren’t going to Mars alone (unless there are hot single alien chicks there), then imagine being in a shuttle for 9 months with some annoying people! Have you ever flown anywhere?  That inevitable stinky passenger next to you, the little baby crying the whole flight, the lack of leg room…the horrendous possibilities are endless.  So best case scenario is the Mars is inhabitable right?  Then what? We go there and start building?  OK SIGN ME UP…like that’s gonna happen.  Who is gonna sign up to go build shit on freaking Mars?  Why don’t they just build stuff here on Earth? Not enough jobs. Dang, that economy is killing everything.  Ok fine, we go to Mars and build and live there.  Really cool stuff.  Do they have internet?  Do they have electricity?  Will Mars have running water?  Let’s say the answer is yes to all of those. The real question is, how the hell do we get back to Earth if we don’t like it on Mars?  Anyone have an answer to that?  We’d be stuck.  Forever.  Unless the aliens from Space Jam can give us a ride, we are screwed.  So as “cool” as the Curiosity rover mission is, it’s really all for nothing.  We can learn all we want about Mars and whether or not people can live on it, but remember we haven’t even sent people (non astronaut people) to VISIT the moon (still don’t think anyone has ever been there, conspiracies galore!).  The rover Curiosity is nothing more than a glorified remote control car that is chilling where there aren’t any people saying, “you can’t use that thing here!”  Curiosity may indeed tell us if Mars is inhabitable or not, but remember “Curiosity killed the cat” and although I have no idea what cat was killed, I’m allergic to cats so I’m kinda cool with it.  But you know what I won’t be cool with?  Aliens on Mars killing people.  That just won’t be cool at all.

Curiosity…wait a damn minute! Let me find out that NASA sent WALL-E to Mars and this is all a crazy sequel…

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