Monthly Archives: July 2012

Why The Olympics Suck…

Sorry to all you gymnastics, swimming, and track and field enthusiasts, but the Olympics suck.  The competition is great.  The athletes are amazing.  I’m sure the atmosphere is nuts.  The events are entertaining.  But, on the real, the Olympics suck.  If I’ve confused you just now, let me unconfuse you.  The Olympics suck because all of the events aren’t live in prime time (or ideal times for spectators).  20 years ago, the Olympics were cool because Facebook, Twitter, Dot coms, and the Internet in general didn’t ruin the events before you actually were able to watch them.  Today, you know who won what before you get to see it on TV.  NBC paid tons of money for the Olympics, so they have the right to delay the exciting events to Prime Time, but in doing so, we already know what happened and it kinda makes everything suck.  Actually, it DOES make everything suck.  The Olympics are an amazing even that occurs every 4 years, but as a from home spectator event it doesn’t come close to any other sporting events.  Whether it be Winter or Summer Olympics, it just doesn’t work for TV.  Next time, just go to the host city and take up the atmosphere, otherwise sit back and let someone spoil the results for you.  If this were a summary I had to do in elementary or middle (ok, let’s be honest, this is really my high school style writing), I’d conclude with this: For this reason I have mentioned above, the Olympics suck. I don’t need to give you any other evidence, because I am right, so take that!

Even the Opening Ceremonies suck because of “tape” delay…

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Time Warner Cable Sucks…

Normally, I’d go with something funny or amusing (to me anyway), but today, I’m just gonna throw out a little venting session.  Time Warner Cable you suck as a company.  Your service is crappy.  Your customer service is crappy.  Your pricing is crappy. You should be called Time Warner Crap.  Just a quick background, I called these fools 2 weeks ago for an upgrade in my internet (because it was horrible), I’m fully expecting to have to pay more obviously.  I talk to the customer service rep who assures me that they will take care of it fast for me and that, get this, it’s actually going to be cheaper than what I was paying because of a promotion.  Obviously this got me excited, I was like wow, TWC ain’t that bad after all.  So guy gets me excited that I’m getting faster internet at a cheaper rate. Win win right? WRONG, I get the bill and I am paying WAY more than I was promised, $20 a month more.  When I call to see what the hell is up, they respond with oh well that rep was misinformed.  I politely respond that the increase in cost was what I initially expected but that when someone promises you something they need to follow through with it.  They had me on hold various times for like 45 minutes, kept sending me back and forth to the same departments.  In the end, I didn’t get my promised rate, and the last guy told me to call back another time and maybe a different rep could help me (how does that make any sense at all?).  The problem is, these jerks monopolize this region.  I could switch to AT&T U-Verse, but AT&T sucks at everything.  Actually, all internet providers suck.  Is that like a prerequisite to starting an internet company? Comcast sucked, Verizon sucked, hmm, it’s a definite pattern.  I wanna cancel out of principle, but I need my “internets.”  If only DirecTV had internet (that didn’t go out during storms) I’d be a happy man.  Womp. Womp.

Pretty much how I feel right now…

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Would You?

So recently I partook in a trip to Chicago for a conference (it was a conference for awesome people if you must know).  While out in the city, chillin’ with my peoples, we started playing the “scenario” game, basically coming up with ludicrous situations with lewd amounts of money involved if you were to do said things.  Upon asking the waitress if she would wear only a pink wedding dress every day for a whole year for $200,000 but couldn’t reveal why she was doing it (thanks OA), she came back at us with a scenario rather than answer ours (for the record, I am male, as were 2 of the people with me, and along with them and the 2 females with us, we all said that we would wear a pink wedding dress for a whole year for that amount of money, yep, money talks).  Her scenario “For unlimited World Power, would you eat a baby (think of it with a no punishment religiously kind of thing)?”  I quickly answered yes.  She looked at me disgustingly.  My boys Confusion and Ponch asked if the baby was alive or dead.  They would do it if the baby was dead, but not if it was alive (the girls did not concur with eating the baby period).  World Power encompasses many things, awesomeness and money mainly.  I know it’s wrong, but come on, I’m pretty sure at some point at one of those ethnic buffets we’ve all eaten at, that human was probably somewhere on the menu (was that a little racist? yes, yes it was).  Also, give me the Honey Mustard from Outback and I’m pretty sure I could eat anything with it, that stuff is that good (sidenote: I once told a waitress at Outback to bring me lots of Honey Mustard because it was delicious and it’d be cool to shower in it because it’s that dag gone good, she brought me 25 bowls of it and mocked me for not finishing them all, morale of this story, be careful what you wish for.  Also, Honey Mustard is really hard to wash off your body…??).  So I present you this same scenario, for World Power, would you eat a baby?  Does it matter if it’s dead or alive?  What about the pink wedding dress? Let me know!

I’d look absolutely stunning in this dress, 365 days in the year son!

(Do you guys think babies taste more like chicken or beef?)

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We Are…

Penn State!  Obviously everyone knows by now what transpired at Penn State University with Jerry Sandusky and the molestation of young boys.  I’m not here to re-hash the disgusting details of what happened.  This is just a commentary regarding the sanctions placed on Penn State University for the behavior of everyone involved in the scandal.  A quick re-cap of the sanctions: $60 million fine, 4 years of bowl probation, vacating all wins dating back to 1998, a loss of scholarships starting with 10 initially and then 20 total scholarships each year for 4 years, and the ability of players to transfer this year with no penalty.  Now, my take on these sanctions.

  • $60 million fine – this money is going towards helping molested children.  I think the NCAA has the right idea here by moving the money towards supporting victims of sexual abuse as children.  I actually feel like this dollar amount should have been a little more, but we know that no amount will change what happened to those young boys.
  • 4 years post season ban – No bowl games for 4 years.  This will be crippling to recruiting classes for the next 4 years, which will basically diminish the product at Penn State.  I believe a post season ban of 2 years would have been more fitting.  On Saturdays the population boom surround Penn State football makes it the 3rd largest city in the state of Pennsylvania.  The decrease in the product on the football field is going to drown the economy in the area, not just the university or football team.  4 years is too much in my opinion, when schools are getting less for paying players (USC) and taking classes for players (UNC).  I am not downplaying the egregious crimes that occurred, but remember that none of the current players or coaches had anything to do with what happened, and this was not a football related incident with regards to the GAME.  Punishment was necessary, but I would like to see more Civil hearings where those who turned a blind eye end up in jail rather than just punishing the football program.
  • Vacating the wins from 1998 – To me, this was stupid.  Again this wasn’t a FOOTBALL crime. This was a crime, but it had nothing to do with the performance on the field.  Joe Pa’s record for wins is now “gone” and he is now 12th all time in NCAA history.  Does this do anything to help the victims?  Actually what does this accomplish?  Was there any cheating going on? They definitely blew it on this one.
  • Loss of scholarships – This alone would have been fitting, but coupled with the postseason ban it is crippling to the institution.  I think that was the main point of all of this.  I like losing scholarships but in a moderation form.  I’d have preferred a loss of scholarships and lesser years on the postseason ban.  Not for the football program, but for the community surrounding the university.
  • Allowing players to transfer – Finally, the NCAA got the transfer ruling right.  This was definitely the right move, great job.

In all honesty the main gripe regarding these sanctions is stripping wins.  I feel like doing this was overboard regarding what happened.  Again, none of what occurred affected game play.  Wins and losses should not be stripped.   I don’t like the severity of the ban but I understand it.  What the “tickle monster” Sandusky did was vile and disgusting.  What those around him did in looking the other way was just as bad.  Punish those who let this happen and do it with big fines and jail time (or whatever you can actually do within the “law”).  Erasing memories of football games doesn’t accomplish anything.  Penn State will come back from this.  So for all the Nittany Lion fans, fear not about your precious program, you will be back.  Channel your support towards the University community and the victims of the crimes.  Show your hate towards those who let these things occur.  Be proud of where you went to school.  It wasn’t your school that let you down, it was a few idiots who couldn’t understand right from wrong.  For those wondering, no, I didn’t attend Penn State, but I support the school now.

Remember guys, YOU ARE….PENN STATE!

Don’t let the actions of one man bring down your institution.

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Group Texting…

Don’t do it.  Or do it but have people annoyed at you.  The only time a mass/group text is appropriate is with regards to plans for an event aka “hey dinner tonight at 7, let me know if you’re in.”  Something along those lines.  When should you not group text? In every other situation.  Christmas, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Ramadan, Groundhog’s Day, and 4th of July are just a few examples of when it is not appropriate.  A group text indicates to it’s recipient that you are not a genuine person.  Why? Well because you just sent a message that wasn’t personalized and tried to pass it along as if it was.  Every person that you know has a different type of relationship with you, so you can’t just say “Merry Christmas from the (insert family name).”  That’s weak sauce right there.  If I don’t get a personalized greeting for holidays (or even my birthday…) I just assume that the person sending the message is being lazy.  Yep, you’re lazy.  99% of the people you sent that message to hate group messages (even when you hide that you sent it as a group message).  We all know you were being lazy and thought you could trick us.  We also are all now annoyed by you.  The 1% who aren’t annoyed are the people who live for texts (if you were thinking that group texts didn’t bother you during this little rant, then you fall in this 1%…congratulations).  So if you get angry that nobody wished you a happy something or a merry whatever when you sent a group text that included that person, you only have yourself to blame.  Chances are they already sent out their group text with a greeting…you just didn’t make the cut…ouch, burn.

Let’s end all the confusion! Down with mass texting!!

 

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The Hungry Games…

Today marks the first day of Ramadan, the Holy Month for Muslims all over the world.  For those of you who actually know a muslim or two, you know what this means.  From dawn until sunset (whenever it is light outside for those of you who are bad with time) muslims must refrain from eating, drinking (yes that includes water), and having sex (yep, that’s right, no day time hanky panky) for a whole month. This is known as fasting. But read that again, I didn’t say they can’t eat or drink for a month, I said they can’t eat or drink from dawn until sunset for a month.  If you are still confused, please stop reading this now and start reading Green Eggs and Ham (ham, is forbidden to eat for Muslims) at page 8 so that the story is ruined for you. So if you hear someone say they are fasting, just know that it is not some new P90x ultra workout.  So for those of you who don’t have any personal muslim friends, but can recognize them as if you were working airport security for the TSA, please make note.  The reason those brown people/covered ladies/bearded dudes/ay-rabs/mozlims aren’t having lunch isn’t because they are plotting to take over the world.  It’s because they are offering a form of submission to God.  Speaking of God, the word for God in Arabic is Allah.  That’s right, Allah isn’t a separate God, he is God.  Just like queso means cheese in Spanish, this is just a translation.  So ignorant people, PLEASE pick up on that.  Other important qualities Muslims must adhere to during this month include abstaining from lying (pretty sure everyone should do this)and learning how to be patient (again, everyone should jump on this train).  So what is so special about this particular month (which moves every year folks, based off of the Lunar Calendar)?  To Muslims, the month of Ramadan is the month the Holy Quran was revealed, that is why it is so important.  The Quran is the Muslim people’s Bible.  I am no scholar, and I won’t pretend to be, but that’s just a simplistic perspective for you guys.

So here comes the fun stuff. Let’s talk about what tends to happen during Ramadan.  I’ll go list format because it’s easier and I’m lazy.

  • Some fasting Muslims will be very cranky in the first week.  People need their coffee.  They may not be friendly.  Avoid annoying fasting people in the morning.
  • Although Muslims fast to teach them how those who are less fortunate are, at night, all bets are off.  If you’re wondering why your Muslim friend described a feast for the last 3 days, it’s because they had a feast the last 3 days.  30 days to be exact.
  • Your fasting friends will constantly check the clock.  As they check the clock, you will hear them mumble things like “man I’m so hungry” or “I just need water, the food thing doesn’t even bother me”
  • At some point a non-Muslim will say they will fast with a Muslim co-worker or friend.  This will last all of 3 hours until that person “accidentally” drinks some water.  They will then say it’s too late and will go out to lunch with other non fasting people.
  • Fasters will hear from non-fasters “I don’t know how you do it” or  “you look tired/sick you should drink a little bit of water.”
  • If you’re Muslim, all of a sudden you will be invited out to lunch by so many people who have never so much as offered you a piece of gum. Suddenly corporations will have sponsored lunches for an entire month.  Suddenly that girl next to you in class will offer you a candy bar to eat every single day, when she’d never done such a thing. Ever (thanks for that Jennifer).  Suddenly everyone wants to eat lunch at work.  They will drink that Gatorade in the middle of a conversation.  They will eat that burger as they “work” during lunch.  Nothing you can do about it my fasting compadres.  That. Just. Happened.

Islam (the arabic word for submission or peace) is the second largest religion in the world.  It is also the fastest growing religion in the world.  To all the non-Muslims who read this, know that the more you learn about people, the easier it is to understand them.  For all the Muslim people who read this, have a blessed month of Ramadan, and know that not everyone understands your religion just like you won’t understand theres.  Do what you can to teach people about yourself and your beliefs and learn what you can about people who are different than you so that you can understand where they are coming from.  Building bridges since Lego’s in 1985 (I’m guestimating that to be when I first started using Lego’s).

If you’re fasting, try your best to be kind, honest, and approachable.  Achieve what you can out of your Holy Month people.  Don’t just be of those who only get hunger and thirst from this Ramadan.  16 hours of not eating or drinking.  Eek, if I turn off the lights and hide under my blanket can I drink something??

Grrr…you have to be nice to this guy. But man, the day after Ramadan is over you’re goin’ down!

 

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Cakeface…

Ladies and ladies (yep I said ladies twice, I guess this might work for some “gentle”men too), may I have your attention please.  Today I am using my blog as a public service announcement for the betterment of female perception from the perspective of men (say that 5 times fast).  STOP WEARING SO MUCH DAMN MAKE UP!!  Seriously, stop that shit now!  Fact: Men don’t want to date clowns.  Fact: If your face is represented in any way by more than 2 colors off of the rainbow you have over done it.  Fact: If you step on the scale before you put your make up on and you weigh less than you do after your make up, you have put way too much of that shit on.  Fact: If little children pass by you and try to blow out candles on your face, you have gone overboard.  It’s not attractive.  And if you go somewhere with white furniture, your shit just ruins everything.  Seriously, I did not want a damn brown smear stain (make up not doo doo, but both would be disgusting) on my new couch, what the hell were you thinking? I’m not trying to be mean, but if being mean is what stops you from singlehandedly keeping Maybelline in business, then dammit somebody had to do it.  Fact: If you wear too much make up you will get Syphilis.  Ok that one wasn’t a fact, but according to movies, prostitutes and hookers cake it on and they could potentially have syphilis, so it’s not that far-fetched.  (And here comes the nice in me) Look ladies, a lot of you don’t even need that shit to look good, “you’re amazing, just the way you are” (everybody better have sung that last part!).  I’m not against make up, I’m just against over doing it.  It’s kind of like the Coconut Shrimp at Red Lobster during Endless Shrimp, 10, 20, 30 of them are great, but once you get to the 60’s they just start tasting disgusting (mmm shrimp).  So ladies, please, stop camouflaging your face with clown faces, frosting, paint, and whatever other shit it is you put on there.  It’s scary and unbecoming.

Fact: Make up tastes funny.

Me- mmm cake, that looks delicious
Friend – hey bro, easy, that’s my girlfriend!
Me- you’re dating a cake??
Friend – no….
Me- holy shit, that really is a person, my bad bro…

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Dream Team Debate

Recently Kobe Bryant said he thinks that the current Team USA could beat the Dream Team from the ’92 Olympics.  Many people have chimed in on this already, but let’s be honest, my opinion is the only one that really matters.  In saying that, I would also like to say that Kobe Bryant is an idiot if he actually believes that.  Seriously Kobe, shut the hell up.  I will provide a player by player analysis comparing similar players from each team to evaluate who I think (and obviously I’m gonna be correct on this shit) would win that individual battle.  Then we can tally up all the wins and losses and see who should in theory win that game.  Here we go:

  • Starting PG – Magic Johnson vs. Chris Paul.  I don’t care if Magic had syphilis, chlamydia, and herpes to go along with HIV, he still is a better player than CP3 and his size alone would cause a huge mismatch problem.  Yeh CP3 is fast, but that’s what help defense is for.  I don’t see CP3 ripping Magic and scoring any easy buckets.  Oh Magic hadn’t played in a year? Your point? That previous year he took his team to the Finals.  Not even close.  Edge: Dream Team.
  • Starting SG – Michael Jordan vs. Kobe Bryant.  Hey Kobe, you asked for it, you would absolutely get murdered.  Kobe has copied Jordan his whole career but he will never be Jordan.  MJ in a landslide.  Edge: Dream Team
  • Starting SF – Charles Barkley vs. Carmelo Anthony.  Sir Charles dominate Melo.  Chuck plays physical defense, and is a punisher on offense.  Remember this is Chuck in his best condition as a professional ball player.  Melo is lazy, and is a volume scorer.  That’s great when you are the only star on your team, but not so great if you are amongst stars. Edge: Dream Team
  • Starting PF – Karl Malone vs. LeBron James.  Ok so some would say that LBJ could be the 3, but either way whether he’s the 3 or 4, he is gonna win that battle and whoever the other forward position is would lose.  It’s alot closer than you would think because LBJ has never had to guard people of this caliber on defense then have to actually have the size and athleticism match up on him offensively.  Edge: 2012
  • Starting C – Patrick Ewing vs Tyson Chandler.  Really? Ewing would make Chandler inefficient.  Chandler defends around the hoop, Ewing is best facing the rim from 8-12 feet out. Edge: Dream Team
  • Bench PG – John Stockton vs Russel Westbrook.  Stockton is one of the best PG of all time, but he never had to face anyone with the speed and athleticism at the point like Westbrook.  In a one on one game, Westbrook wins easily, in a TEAM game Stockton dominates because of court vision and ability to not turn the ball over or take dumb shots.  Edge: Even
  • Bench Wing – Clyde Drexler vs. Andre Iguodola.  Clyde.  All day.  Every day. Are you freaking kidding me.  Edge: Dream Team
  • Bench Wing – Chris Mullin vs. Kevin Durant.  The dream needed some shooters, Mullin was one of em.  Kevin Durant is incredible tho.  Durantulla dominates this.  Edge: 2012
  • Bench Wing – Scottie Pippen vs James Harden.  Yeh I thought so, Pip running away with this.  Edge: Dream Team
  • Bench – Larry Bird vs. Deron Williams.  I love Larry Legend.  Even when he was old he was doin THANGS.  Williams is a good PG, but in a shooting contest who do you pick?  Shit in a game of one on one who do you pick?  Yep, the Hick from French Lick.  Edge: Dream Team.
  • Bench Post – David Robinson vs. Kevin Love.  I love me some Kevin Love, but the Admiral in his prime would demolish him.  Edge: Dream Team
  • Bench College Player – Christian Laettner vs Anthony Davis.  Dukie was the better offensive player, but Anthony Davis athletically is a freak.  I would easily pick Davis.  It has nothing to do with the fact that I hate Duke either.  Edge: 2012

12 players.  9 wins for the Dream Team.  3 wins for the 2012 team.  The problem is 2 of those wins were bench players.  So if you shorten the bench, they might not even be wins.  Hell if you switch the lineups some you could say that if you matched MJ on LBJ and a Pip in his prime defensively on Kobe, that they’d win those battles too.  Even still, LBJ and KD are the only 2 (Kobe 4 years ago, not now) that could earn a spot on the team right now.

When Larry Bird was told of Kobe’s comments, he replied, “They probably could. I haven’t played in 20 years and we’re all old now.”  If we go off of trash talk, the Dream Team would win there too.

Seriously, why the hell was Christian Laettner on this team. They REALLY didn’t want Isiah on this team huh.

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It’s Just Lunch…Maybe Dessert?

I don’t know if you guys have heard the commercials for this or not, but the whole concept is funny to me.  “It’s Just Lunch” is a dating organization that sets up “busy professionals” for lunch “dates” based off of personality screenings.  If you and said lunch date hit it off, then you can carry on in a normal dating fashion, but if you don’t, hey, it’s just lunch, no harm no foul.  Seems simple enough.  But what does the company get out of this? The satisfaction of setting up 2 people? Yeh, like that pays the bills.  Well when you do a little research (hey, what can I say, I love lunch!), you find out that signing up for this service is a few thousand dollars depending on the region you are in.  You read that right, a couple of THOUSAND dollars.  My first thought on finding this out, was “holy shit, I better be getting dessert with this meal!”  Ask my friends, that’s exactly what I said when I found this shit out.  This “service” has been around for a while, but I actually do not know anybody who has tried it, or will ever admit to trying it.  I think primarily because most of my friends wouldn’t waste a few grand on something like dating.  So my point.  I know we were all waiting for it.  Well, who is willing to spend this kind of money?  Rich people right?  AKA Sugar Daddies and Sugar Mamas.  So maybe this is really a good idea.  Hmm.. Let’s say it’s $4,000 a year, break that down that’s $333 a month.  Per day (assuming weekdays here) that’s about $16-17 dollars a day for a guaranteed lunch date.  If you used it every day.  Since “it’s just lunch” I assume that everything is the pair going dutch.  Using my superior reasoning skills, you could write off in your head (not in taxes) that the $16-17 a day would have gone towards the date anyway, so therefor you are breaking even, but with the ability to be seeing someone new everyday.  Maybe this isn’t such a wonky idea? I have effectively convinced myself in the span of this blog that this shit might actually be legit.  My intention was to hate on this whole company like no other, but from a guy’s perspective, this shit is actually genius.  If you start seeing chicks on the weekends, you decrease the cost of a “date” to about $11.  Damn, not bad at all.  I never realized how persuasive I was, but damn, I’m good.  Oh shit, it’s lunch time! I’m hungry.  I’ll be back later y’all.  No big deal, it’s just lunch…

It’s Just Lunch. Best Idea Ever. According to this Debbie Downer of an image anyway.

PS: All jokes aside, does anybody wanna start an escort service with me that tracks “It’s Just Lunch” dates and sends up a follow up “friend.”  I’m thinking of calling it “How About Dessert?”  I can see myself Scrooge McDucking a tower of gold coins now!

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Is That Real?

Recently, I was introduced to some people (yep some people).  They were a formerly married couple.  Older (in their 40’s and 50’s).  Their friends (or maybe I should say “friends”) were commenting on how the ex-wife was a “newer” version of herself.  For those of you who aren’t following, it means that she has had many plastic surgeries.  Lips, facelift, breast implants, butt lift (and not the Brazilian Butt Lift video!), and a nose job.  After a couple of comments here and there, I got to thinkin’ (I know, I know, scary thought!).  To me it seems like there are 3 trains of thought regarding plastic surgery:

  1. Medically Necessary – obviously this is not what I am talking about in this particular case, so we will skip it as a whole.
  2. Self-Doubt/Self-Conscious – meaning that the person didn’t like how they were constructed by God and decided to “upgrade” themselves.
  3. Influenced – the person’s partner wanted them to make these “upgrades” and the person obliged so as not to lose said partner.

So I’d classify most plastic surgeries in the number 2 and 3 categories here.  Do people really hold themselves in such low regard these days that they feel they need to change themselves for others?  The short answer to that is yes. Everybody at some point doesn’t like something about themselves, but you just gotta remember that’s what makes you unique (whether it be a boring unique or an exciting one).  Anyways, I’m not turning this into a motivational blog, that’s just not my style.  So back to the fake stuff.  When is it appropriate to ask someone “is that/are those real?”  Not in a perverted way but in a serious, seeking knowledge kind of way?  Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but umm are those real (you thought I was gonna sing it didn’t you?)?  Or “hey what kind of chapstick are you using to make your lips look huge?  Oh it’s not chapstick?” Or perhaps a “hey, your nose isn’t huge anymore, what happened?”  I feel if you change stuff on yourself then people should be able to ask questions about it.  Right?  That way if you don’t wanna get bombarded with questions, you don’t change anything?

“The perfection of mankind lies in our imperfections” – Me (I know, that shit is pretty deep)

I’m inquisitive by nature, so if I know you and you’re gonna change yourself, be prepared to get some really weird questions…that’s just how I roll.

When I grow up (aka get enough money), I’m gonna look just like her! Oh yeh I’m a dude, sadface…stop judging me!!

 

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