First off, let me just preface this story with this, no matter where I go, crazy shit seems to happen around me or to me. This post is going to chronicle a weird weekend in DC. I’m only gonna talk about the funny and random stuff that happened, so if I saw you and our encounter is not mentioned, don’t take it personally, just make yourself more interesting for the next time I’m in town (Real names will be left out of the story and instead replaced with nicknames so as to protect the identities and reputation of my friends).
- Georgetown Harbor – After walkin’ around for a lil bit, me and my homie Feezy decide to chill. As I’m eating some delicious Chocolate gelato (Feezy didn’t like hers so much, she’s REALLY picky ahaha), some random ass dude dressed like Antonio Banderas from Desperado almost knocks my yummy treat out of my hand. Why he walked within 1 inch of me while I was sitting still boggles me. He looks disoriented and keeps doing dramatic “where am I twirls” (you know, like how they do in the movies). We make fun of him out loud (we have no shame) as he walks away. 5 minutes later, 2 girls are screaming and running our way. We asked what happened. They replied, “this weird guy with a suit on was asking girls their age (16…) to go back to his hotel room with him. I of course asked if they found out what hotel and room he was in, they looked at me as if I didn’t hear what they said. Oh, I heard what you said girls, I just wanted to know where he was staying at. You know, to see if he’s a classy guy. We don’t know what Desperado ended up doing. I hope the High School crowd survived. Next we have a lovely couple taking their wedding pictures at the harbor. Until Feezy notices that the bride is in fact wearing an ugly ass pink dress with tons of puffiness to it (if this were a 90’s video she’d be dancin’ with Ma$e and Puff Daddy). We couldn’t quite gauge where the couple was from, but for the sake of humor, we will just say she was Arab. We still don’t get why she was wearing pink. And it was like a dirty pink. Is pink the color for like 2nd, 3rd, or 4th marriage? Somebody help me out here.
- DC Proper – Not really much going on here. Two things stand out to me. 1- Z attempting to teach Xandra how to dance on the sidewalk outside a kabob restaurant. 2 – lady in the kabob restaurant eating her food in a booth while laying down.
- Georgetown Harbor – Oh we back. Me, Z, Feezy, Xandra. Walking by the water. Z tells us to look up a girl is about to jump into the harbor. I look up just in time to see a drunk ass idiot in a white outfit attempt to jump in the water. I say attempt because her first leg cleared the border of the sidewalk, her second leg unfortunately for her did not. This lead to a massive FLOP into the water. We immediately started busting out laughing. Her friends are reluctant to help her out of the water, so they tell her to swim to the docks on the other side of the harbor (awesome friends, we later find out they don’t like this girl). They end up helping her out. Boat pulls up to the dock, drunk girl from Alabama gets out. She lets us know she’s from Alabama a few times. Oh and that she is deathly afraid to fly. Like she wanted to die afraid. I asked if she was more afraid of flying than spiders. She said yes! She was really drunk…and stupid. It was too easy. Upon walking out of the Harbor, random man approaches us making sure to let us know that HIS FRIEND was a big baller and that he was going to party with him. Not that interesting right? Well nope, until you look at dude and he’s got the biggest cocaine residue around his upper lip and nose. No Feezy and Xandra, that wasn’t his boogers.
- DC – Driving back from Maryland I get rear ended by a drunk driver. This dude was an idiot. I hate his guts. Nothing interesting about that, just wanted everyone to know that.
- Driving – Did I mention I got in a wreck? Here is where it comes into play. The trunk to the car wouldn’t close. I hoodified (yep, I just made up a word) the car and tied it down with Police “Caution” tape and with scotch tape (it was the parking garage guy’s idea I swear!). Well it was good til we hit 395 and BOOM the trunk pops open as I’m driving. Awesome!! So people in DC are assholes, they are real eager to tell you that your trunk is open, but them letting you switch over to exit off the highway isn’t happening. Assholes! So we exit off, find a UPS store, ask for twine, they have no twine. You are a packaging store, you should have twine! Instead the guy offers me zipties. After a few minutes, I figure out how to get the whole thing to work because I am a genius! Side note, there was a guy that was walking a dog that looked like one of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz. Now more driving. TRAFFIC. I hate you traffic. The Metro area needs to fix this, it ruins all kinds of plans.
- Friends’ House – Mario Gomez from team Germany made an appearance. Nice hair bro! After much serious discussion regarding curfews, spousal time out, prom, and “slow dance” fireworks, we decide to go inside for some karaoke. Disney style. I am the best Princess Jasmine ever. A whole neeeeeewwww wooorrrlld. People who were good at singing: The Birthday girls, Mo-Daj’s wife, May-may, Mandy, “Slow Dance”, Feezy, and Ash (only in songs with deep voices). Person who should never sing again: Mo-Daj. Seriously, this guy should never be allowed near a microphone again. I’m pretty sure the game gave him a negative score. Big Yak, notice I didn’t mention you, it’s because you challenged me and I whooped you. Never challenge a champion. Never!
- Night – Saw a girl face plant while walking across a crosswalk. I pointed and laughed. It was funny. Hung out at Tar-douche, this place sucks. Somehow people still go there, but seriously, the mail order European bride/waitresses annoy me. At one point though we had conversation about old school video games, and then some of us (ok mainly me) just started singing out loud. Left that dump to go get food. In typical ‘us’ fashion, we decided AFTER we left where to go (aka we stood around the car trying to think of where we were eating). I ate a delicious sub from J.J’s with Moose (your nickname for your nickname) and Captain Boring. I don’t remember the ride back home, I’m sure I was mumbling some crazy shit.
- No real headline for this. Just some advice. First, little kids love Carnivals. Take them there and watch how much joy it brings them (that’s a shout out to my nephew Special K). Second, don’t ever park in Georgetown at a garage or what not, it’s a rip off. Third, the Giant on Lee Highway next to the CVS is the worst grocery store in the world. I will never go there again. I should work at a Carnival, not because I look like a Carnie, but because I can guess the weight of things to hundredths place accuracy. Also, if you drop your sunglasses off your head, and you go to grab them (behind the back catch no less), make SURE that nobody was depending on you to not fall down……sorry about that!
That was probably too long and more like a diary entry. I hate the traffic, love the randomness, and am a beast at Disney karaoke. If you want to be a part of future stories, be fun for real. Or do cocaine and then approach me without cleaning your nose off.