I am often mistaken for an expert on zombies. BUT, contrary to popular belief, I have actually never encountered a zombie. Yup, I’ve never had my face chewed off. It may be hard to believe, but it is the outright truth. I do, however, watch TV and read CNN occasionally (and not to mention, I know how to use Wikipedia like a muthafuckin’ BOSS), therefore making me an expert on everything known to mankind. Recently, the media has capitalized on some gruesome acts occurring nationwide. There’s the Miami Zombie Facial, The New Jersey Intestinal Shuffle, and the Baltimore Cravings, to name a few. Due to these recent televised shenanigans, I have given the Zombie Apocalypse an extensive five minute thought. Therefore, I FEEL like an expert. Alas, I am not here to educate you on The Undead, or to teach you how to avoid them in public, or show you how to identify closet zombies. Nor am I here to discuss the latest trends in zombie fashion. I’m not even here to Teach You How to Dougie. I am simply here to share my thoughts.
- First thought: Joking about zombies is fun. And its fun for the whole family. Being eaten by them…probably not as fun. I would suggest that y’all try to avoid that. Don’t get me wrong, it may be unethical what the media is doing (exploiting traumatic events for amusement, fear-mongering, etc), but I LOVES me some zombie jokes. I crack at least 10 a day myself. And they are extremely hilarious. All of them. Pure gold.
- Second thought: Come up with a contingency plan. So I did. And I suggest you also come up with a plan of action. But don’t steal mine. I know it will be tempting, but don’t. Here is how the plan came to fruition: So, I says to my girl,“Yo, how’s ‘bout we come up with a plan in case this whole zombie shit goes down”. And with that very eloquently articulated proposition, we put our giant genius minds to work and came up with a full proof plan. We decided that we would run, fight, hide, and chew on their zombie arms, too, (see how they like it!) in an all-out war…for ONE DAY. Yup, that’s right. We aint trying to run and fight for the rest of our lives. F that! I ain’t Will Smith. After that heroic one day effort, we will then surrender to the zombies. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Chewing on body parts doesn’t sound that bad. Why one day? Well, because what if the Zombie Apocalypse only lasts one day and we surrender right away? That would just be embarrassing. I know, we are geniuses.
- Last thought: Maintain your individuality. Whatever your plan may be, you will inevitably surrender to eternal zombie damnation. Therefore, I suggest doing something that will set you apart from all other zombies. Choose a single defining accessory to maintain your individuality. After all, you will still want to be recognizable once your face decays. So, not only will I surrender to Zombiehood after one full day of prolonged battle, I will do it in style. I decided that I will walk around butt-ass-naked (because apparently that’s the precedence the Miami “In YO Face” Zombie has set) wearing only a Luchador Mask. Why a Lucha Libre Mask? Besides the fact that it’s freaking awesome, it’ll be scary as hell. Be afraid. Be very afraid. I may gnaw on your shoulder OR straight hit you with a Flying Tornillo followed by unmasking you. Even if you aren’t wearing a mask. Scared? You should be.
Those are my mind-provoking thoughts about this whole Living Dead situation. Yes, I only had three thoughts. Give me a break, I only thought about it for 5 minutes. I suggest you give this Zombie Apocalypse an honest 5 minutes yourselves. It’s a pretty serious matter, after all (not really). That’s what I did and look how amazing the results were. Especially the contingency plan. Also, keep cracking those zombie jokes while you can. Because if you don’t, in a month when all the hype is over, you will have regrets. Zombie regrets. I DONE SAID IT.
-This Guest Post was written by ERockPerez, you can follow him on twitter @ERockPerez