Monthly Archives: June 2012

Random Dream

I had a crazy ass dream last night.  It revolved around assassination attempts on me because get this, I was next in line to be President!  From what I can recall, I was chillin’ with Obama, and he was tellin’ me what was up with the Presidency so that I’d be ready for it.  A transition type thing.  They had already arrested the guy that was supposed to “shoot” me (some Minority Report shit right there).  The guy was part of this huge ass Bicycle Gang.  They would terrorize the sidewalks and major intersections (pretty accurate for what bike people do). Obama was tellin’ me that getting hated on by ways of assassination plots was constant and that I would just have to handle my business.  There was alot of other crazy shit that happened, but those are obviously the highlights (that I remember).  I wonder what my platform was that got me to be the next Prez.  I bet I sang alot for my speeches.  Hmm, or maybe it was my hilariousness? Either way World, I’m comin’ to take over! Watch out!

Indeed I am…

(By the way, I ended up surviving said attempts on my life…but never made it far enough in the dream to be President)

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Let’s Get Ready to….

….Rummmmble? Huh? Well folks, the day has arrived where someone is actually attempting to organize a fight that the entire world would like to see.  I’m not talking about Mayweather vs. Pacquiao.  I’m referring to the fight that would see 2 people who everyone hates, hitting each other (the way we would all like to hit them) in a glorious bloodfest (hopefully!), until a winner is determined (I’d prefer to see them both knocked out…oh and that neither of them ever gets up again). Yep, I’m talking about a Chris Brown vs. Drake fight! And I ain’t talkin’ bottle tossin’ in da club!  A real man to man (if you wanna call them that) fight in a ring.  As reported by CNN:

 A celebrity boxing promoter, Damon Feldman,  is hoping to capitalize on the alleged nightclub brawl between singer Chris Brown and rapper Drake by offering them $1 million each to take their beef to the ring.

That’s a lot of money for these douchebags to get to hit each other, but the PEOPLE wanna see this shit!  Feldman even went as far as to ask Rihanna to be the ring girl (this dude has got some balls and an amazing promotional brain!).  I actually suggest that the winner gets Rihanna.  That’s right, the winner gets the girl.  Judging on the way she acts, I don’t think she cares who she’s with, she’s that big of a freak.

Sadly, because both of these guys are pansies and won’t have the help of their entourages, this fight probably will never happen.  And to think, Chris Brown has been training for this very day for years by hitting other women (yes, that was a “Drake is a chick” reference).  Not gonna lie tho, I’d pay to see this shit go down.  I’m sure most of the music industry and Hollywood would too.  PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!

Have we ever had 2 more punchable faces in the history of music??? Seriously, who doesn’t wanna knock these assholes out??

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Racism…

Let’s be real guys.  Racism still exists.  Whether you want to group “culturalism” into it or not is up to you.  The fact remains that the color of your skin gives a people a preconceived notion of who you actually are.  Some of you are reading this right now and saying “I’m not racist.”  What you should be saying is “I’m not OPENLY racist.”  Racism doesn’t have to be a negative perception of another race or culture.  Racism is having ANY perception of someone based solely on their color or ethnic background (yes, remember I’m grouping them together here).  Still think you aren’t racist? Ok, let’s play “I don’t think I’m a racist” (just made this game up).  If any of this offends anyone, I apologize, but I’m just trying to have everyone acknowledge the problem.  You know what they say “the first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one.”

In no particular order of race or ethnicity, I will indicate the people I am describing with a bunch of generic perceptions regarding them.  If at any point you agree, then you my friend are a racist.

Asians – Can’t drive.  Smart.  Look alike. Short.  Yellow. Eat rice.  Chinese food.  Japanese food.  Communism. Small eye apertures. Karate.  Ninja.  Bruce Lee.  Laundromat.  Computers. Technology.

Arabs/Muslims – Terrorist.  Sand.  Desert. Scary.  Beard.  Nuclear weapons.  Camels.  Pyramids.  Suicide bombs.  Saddam Hussein.  Osama Bin Laden. Jihad. September 11. Convenient Store.  Hairy.  Thick eyebrows. Terrorist (again). Hummus. Falafel. Mohammed. Airplanes. Brown.

African American – Tall.  Fast.  Athletic. Scary. Criminal.  Basketball.  Football. Criminal. Murder.  Lock doors.  Hip hop.  Rap.  Gangster.  Guns.  Awesome dancers. Slavery.  Anger. Ghetto. Baby mama. Weird names. Malcom X. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Jews – Cheap.  Rich.  Hollywood. Run the country. Banks. Politics.  Big nose.  Gold. Stein.  Berg.

Indians (the country) – Red Dot.  Spicy food.  Thick accent.  Cheap. Dark skin.  I can’t understand what they are saying.  Head movement.  Gandhi. Bargaining.  Tech support.  What the hell did he just say? Computers.  Convenient Store. Cricket.

Latino – Immigrant.  Farms. 10 people in one car. Donkey. Border. Speak English. Taco. Burrito.  Soccer. Queso.  Mustache. Castro.  Rafts.

Caucasians – Nerdy.  No rhythm.  Can’t dance.  Can’t jump.  Cracker. Pale. Pasty. Privileged.  Slave masters.  Successful. College.  KKK.  The South.  Surfer dude.

Obviously, I couldn’t think of everything.  Obviously even the little things are still said.  Sadly, all of us are a little racist.  Again, racism doesn’t have to be a negative, it’s just that classification of a people based solely on their background.  You still think you aren’t racist? Just because it ain’t on the lists above don’t mean you haven’t thunk it or said it in jest.  Admit.  You’re a little racist.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  We all are.  No one is perfect.  It’s the imperfection that makes us human.  Acknowledging that we “typecast” people in the minor ways above is the precursor to stopping the the MAJOR forms of racism that lead to innocent people suffering.  Still not a racist? If you’ve ever checked the people in your immediate surrounding to tell a joke so as not to offend anybody, you’re a little racist.  Seriously, you are.  Fix it.

“Hello, my name is ___________, and I’m a little racist.  But so are you.  Let’s work on it together.”

(repeat that to anyone you want, it’s ok, it’s not trademarked)

Racism isn’t OK.  Embrace our differences instead of continuously nitpicking at them.

“I’m not racist, I have a _________ friend.” Yeh….about that….

 

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Game Over

So there was a game last night.  The douchebags won.  The NBA is rigged.  LeBron is still an asshole (am I right Cleveland?).  Just like when the Spurs won back in 1999, this one will have a little bit of an asterisk next to it for being a strike shortened season (I’m stickin’ to that story, haters gonna hate bro).  Did LeBron play well? Yeh, he had a great Finals, but as I have and as I will continue to point out, his team gets the most ridiculous calls.  Every flop is somehow a charge (and NO they are not always set!).  By rule, if you lower your shoulder into a player it’s an offensive foul…think about that.  That’s what LBJ does every time he drives to the lane, do they ever call it? Nope.  Also, let’s go back and watch Wade and Bron Bron when they start a drive outside the 3 point line.  8 out of 10 times they take an extra 3rd step, is that called a travel? Nope.  You know what else is a travel? The jumpstep.  The way that the players in the NBA use that now as an extra 2 steps without it being called is ridiculous (this is more than just the Heat’s doing, but they are the most flagrant of abusers).  So you can crown the Heat, they won the series.  But man, what I would have given for an evenly called series.  Yesterdays game wasn’t controversial because everyone in the AAA was hitting 3’s.  Mike Miller who can barely walk was somehow given wide open jumpers.  LET HIM DRIVE YOU IDIOTS!! The guy is 2 days away from needing a walker to function properly.  Either way, after the Heat hit their 11 billionth 3 point shot, everyone knew it was over.  Emperor Stern, do something about the officiating.  Your league is going to shit.

Look, he couldn’t even walk to go to the bathroom! He squatted and just went right there!

Oh and to my boy who left the country after the  Miami  loss last year, you know this won’t make up for last year, so remember that  feeling bro (yep, I’m an asshole!).

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Euro 2012 Quarterfinals

Hmmm so maybe I was a little wrong on some of the teams.  Of the 8 that advanced from the group stages, I picked 6 of ’em right. Not to bad.  So now let’s have my horrible analysis predict the Quarterfinal match-ups that start today.

Czech Republic vs. Portugal – Ronaldo is still a douche based off of his interview after a horrible game against Denmark.  When fans taunted him with chants of “Messi” he decided to be a bitch and talk shit about Messi.  He then scored 2 goals in the next game.  Portugal is the superior team here, but I think the Czech Republic pull off an upset.  If not I guess my prediction rate is still at the 75% rate right?

Germany vs. Greece – The well oiled German machine led by George McFly (Mario Gomez) and John Kreese from the Kobra Kai Dojo (Thomas Mueller) haven’t really struggled thus far.  Look for Ozil and Podolski to roam wildly in midfield.  The Greeks do not stand a chance.

Spain vs. France – Wow, this is gonna be a really good game.  If France played like they did to end the group stage they will lose.  Spain needs to change up areas of attack, the passing works against undisciplined teams, but to beat quality opponents you need various methods of attack.  Look for Spain to win in a close match.

England vs. Italy – Rooney and his hair plugs are back.  Italy to me has been decent but could be much better.  If Balotelli improves along with Di Natale staying consistent in attack, I think the Italians can win this easily.  England needs to start Walcott if they want to tire the Italian defense.  Italy advances.

That’s my predictions for the Quarterfinals, when I am wrong on all of them, do not be mad you bet your house and your first born son on my idiotic predictions.  When I’m right tho, ooooooh baby!!

Here they come….blitzkrieg!!

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Game 4

The Heat won.  That’s it. Not really.  The Thunder blew a 17 point first quarter lead before halftime.  They made crucial mistakes down the stretch.  AND with LeBron on the bench with cramps, they let Mario Chalmers beat them.  Norris Cole hit shots in the first half, Mario Chalmers hit em in the second half.  Let that sink Thunder fans, I didn’t mention LeBron or Wade, I just reminded you that you lost because you couldn’t contain those 2 “role” players.  Westbrook was PHENOMENAL.  He played one of the greatest games in Finals history.  You still lost.  Durant was solid as well.  You still lost.  Wade and James were outscored by Westbrook and KD.  You still lost.  Why? Because you kept leaving guys wide open for 3 pointers (coaching should have stopped this after their 3rd wide open shot) by rotating late or biting on a pumpfake.  Oh and James Harden, if you aren’t gonna shoot the ball when you’re open, just get off the court.  I love the way you play bro, but you need let that beard give you some confidence.  The Thunder can still win this thing, but they have to be willing to want it and not be afraid by the moment.  If last night is an indication, Westbrook is the only one willing to fight for it. KD and Harden have to show up offensively in Game 5, or the Heat will be your 2012 NBA Champions…and how many of us really want to see that??

His face says it all.

Look at what I just did, I gave no statistics at all but my point came across.  I’m pretty damn awesome.

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When Did I Eat Corn?

We all know what I’m talking about.  Yep.  That just happened. It’s that moment when you have to think about it, even if it’s just a few seconds.  I dare any of you to lie saying you’ve never had the thought.  If you don’t get it, ask somebody.  If you do get it, laugh to yourself.  Then try to remember, “when did I eat corn?”

Corn. Oh so delicious. Wait, what? I had corn yesterday? Hmm…I guess so.

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DC – The Weekend

First off, let me just preface this story with this, no matter where I go, crazy shit seems to happen around me or to me.  This post is going to chronicle a weird weekend in DC.  I’m only gonna talk about the funny and random stuff that happened, so if I saw you and our encounter is not mentioned, don’t take it personally, just make yourself more  interesting for the next time I’m in town (Real names will be left out of the story and instead replaced with nicknames so as to protect the identities and reputation of my friends).

Friday

  • Georgetown Harbor – After walkin’ around for a lil bit, me and my homie Feezy decide to chill.  As I’m eating some delicious Chocolate gelato (Feezy didn’t like hers so much, she’s REALLY picky ahaha), some random ass dude dressed like Antonio Banderas from Desperado almost knocks my yummy treat out of my hand.  Why he walked within 1 inch of me while I was sitting still boggles me.  He looks disoriented and keeps doing dramatic “where am I twirls” (you know, like how they do in the movies).  We make fun of him out loud (we have no shame) as he walks away.  5 minutes later, 2 girls are screaming and running our way.  We asked what happened.  They replied, “this weird guy with a suit on was asking girls their age (16…) to go back to his hotel room with him.  I of course asked if they found out what hotel and room he was in, they looked at me as if I didn’t hear what they said.  Oh, I heard what you said girls, I just wanted to know where he was staying at.  You know, to see if he’s a classy guy.  We don’t know what Desperado ended up doing.  I hope the High School crowd survived.  Next we have a lovely couple taking their wedding pictures at the harbor.  Until Feezy notices that the bride is in fact wearing an ugly ass pink dress with tons of puffiness to it (if this were a 90’s video she’d be dancin’ with Ma$e and Puff Daddy).  We couldn’t quite gauge where the couple was from, but for the sake of humor, we  will just say she was Arab.  We still don’t get why she was wearing pink.  And it was like a dirty pink.  Is pink the color for like 2nd, 3rd, or 4th marriage? Somebody help me out here.
  • DC Proper – Not really much going on here.  Two things stand out to me. 1- Z attempting to teach Xandra how to dance on the sidewalk outside a kabob restaurant. 2 – lady in the kabob restaurant eating her food in a booth while laying down.
  • Georgetown Harbor – Oh we back. Me, Z, Feezy, Xandra.  Walking by the water.  Z tells us to look up a girl is about to jump into the harbor.  I look up just in time to see a drunk ass idiot in a white outfit attempt to jump in the water.  I say attempt because her first leg cleared the border of the sidewalk, her second leg unfortunately for her did not.  This lead to a massive FLOP into the water.  We immediately started busting out laughing.  Her friends are reluctant to help her out of the water, so they tell her to swim to the docks on the other side of the harbor (awesome friends, we later find out they don’t like this girl).  They end up helping her out.  Boat pulls up to the dock, drunk girl from Alabama gets out.  She lets us know she’s from Alabama a few times.  Oh and that she is deathly afraid to fly.  Like she wanted to die afraid.  I asked if she was more afraid of flying than spiders.  She said yes! She was really drunk…and stupid.  It was too easy.  Upon walking out of the Harbor, random man approaches us making sure to let us know that HIS FRIEND was a big baller and that he was going to party with him.  Not that interesting right? Well nope, until you look at dude and he’s got the biggest cocaine residue around his upper lip and nose.  No Feezy and Xandra, that wasn’t his boogers.
  • DC – Driving back from Maryland I get rear ended by a drunk driver.  This dude was an idiot.  I hate his guts.  Nothing interesting about that, just wanted everyone to know that.

Saturday

  • Driving – Did I mention I got in a wreck? Here is where it comes into play.  The trunk to the car wouldn’t close.  I hoodified (yep, I just made up a word) the car and tied it down with Police “Caution” tape and with scotch tape (it was the parking garage guy’s idea I swear!).  Well it was good til we hit 395 and BOOM the trunk pops open as I’m driving.  Awesome!! So people in DC are assholes, they are real eager to tell you that your trunk is open, but them letting you switch over to exit off the highway isn’t happening.  Assholes! So we exit off, find a UPS store, ask for twine, they have no twine.  You are a packaging store, you should have twine! Instead the guy offers me zipties.  After a few minutes, I figure out how to get the whole thing to work because I am a genius!  Side note, there was a guy that was walking a dog that looked like one of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz.  Now more driving.  TRAFFIC. I hate you traffic.  The Metro area needs to fix this, it ruins all kinds of plans.
  • Friends’ House – Mario Gomez from team Germany made an appearance.  Nice hair bro! After much serious discussion regarding curfews, spousal time out, prom, and “slow dance” fireworks, we decide to go inside for some karaoke.  Disney style.  I am the best Princess Jasmine ever.  A whole neeeeeewwww wooorrrlld.  People who were good at singing: The Birthday girls, Mo-Daj’s wife, May-may, Mandy, “Slow Dance”, Feezy, and Ash (only in songs with deep voices).  Person who should never sing again: Mo-Daj.  Seriously, this guy should never be allowed near a microphone again.  I’m pretty sure the game gave him a negative score.  Big Yak, notice I didn’t mention you, it’s because you challenged me and I whooped you.  Never challenge a champion.  Never!
  • Night – Saw a girl face plant while walking across a crosswalk.  I pointed and laughed.  It was funny.  Hung out at Tar-douche, this place sucks.  Somehow people still go there, but seriously, the mail order European bride/waitresses annoy me. At one point though we had conversation about old school video games, and then some of us (ok mainly me) just started singing out loud. Left that dump to go get food.  In typical ‘us’ fashion, we decided AFTER we left where to go (aka we stood around the car trying to think of where we were eating). I ate a delicious sub from J.J’s with Moose (your nickname for your nickname) and Captain Boring.  I don’t remember the ride back home, I’m sure I was mumbling some crazy shit.

Sunday

  • No real headline for this.  Just some advice. First, little kids love Carnivals.  Take them there and watch how much joy it brings them (that’s a shout out to my nephew Special K). Second, don’t ever park in Georgetown at a garage or what not, it’s a rip off.  Third, the Giant on Lee Highway next to the CVS is the worst grocery store in the world.  I will never go there again. I should work at a Carnival, not because I look like a Carnie, but because I can guess the weight of things to hundredths place accuracy.  Also, if you drop your sunglasses off your head, and you go to grab them (behind the back catch no less), make SURE that nobody was depending on you to not fall down……sorry about that!

That was probably too long and more like a diary entry.  I hate the traffic, love the randomness, and am a beast at Disney karaoke.  If you want to be a part of future stories, be fun for real.  Or do cocaine and then approach me without cleaning your nose off.

If you’ve ever been up to DC, you’ve seen this shit. If only the Metro went EVERYWHERE. This was 80% of my weekend.

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Game 2

First and foremost, that wasn’t a charge on Kevin Durant.  That WAS a foul on LeBron James.  The referees were inconsistent.  But that’s not why the Thunder lost last night.  They lost because for some reason, they forget how to play basketball in the first quarter of NBA Finals games.  It’s the reverse LeBron.  Granted he came up with a big shot in the 4th last night.  Despite how shitty their first half was, the Thunder still had a shot at the end of the game.  I’d have prefered them to hold for last shot, win or go home scenario, but they decided to go quick (and KD was fouled, it wasn’t called) and try to score.  Didn’t happen. Game ends on free throws.  LBJ showed up again in the Finals, Wade was meh.  He was runnin’ like a guy with a hip injury in that 4th quarter.  MVP of this game goes to Shane “Bank Shot” Battier.  I think that guy just hit ANOTHER 3 pointer.  If I’m the Thunder, I can take losing because of LBJ and Wade, but when these other guys start scoring shit, you’ve gotta clamp down.  Oh and in the battle of horrible coaching, Scotty Brooks, congrats on your LVP award.  I was shouting for the last 8 minutes of the game to have a line up of Ibaka, KD, Westbrook, Harden, and Sefalosha.  That is your best defensive line up and when Fisher isn’t hitting the open 3, Thabo is just as good as an option.  He made the switch to that lineup with about 3 minutes to go, and the Thunder roared back. I have ZERO coaching experience and I knew to do that.  For the most part the stars have shown up.  Harden and Wade much better games, Westbrook and KD still solid, James again with a career high Finals game (clutch shot and 12-12 free throws).  If the Thunder realize they need to start playing at tip off and not in the 2nd quarter, they have a good shot at this.  Either way it looks like this thing is gonna be a good tight series.  Get your popcorn folks.

This was probably an offensive foul on Ibaka. Yep, the officiating is horrible. Call it like you see it zebras! Just be consistent! Don’t ruin this shit David Stern!

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The Dont’s of Cell Phones

It’s alarming how rude people have become.  I blame technology.  And females.  But that’s a whole nother topic yo.  So you’re all thinking, “oh God, what the hell is he gonna complain about today?”  Well, first off, I don’t complain, I’m just keepin’ it real so shut yo damn mouth assholes!  Secondly, I’m gonna bitch about cell phones.  Yep, cell phones.  It seems that somewhere between the Zack Morris cell phone and the iPhone, people seemed to lose all kinds of social etiquette. What do I mean? Well, I’m obviously gonna tell you.  That’s the whole point.  So I’ve comprised a list of when it’s rude/disrespectful to take a phone call, and when it’s allowed.

Disrespectful

  1. The Doctor’s office – Hey assholes, do NOT answer the phone while the doctor is in the room with you.  That’s rude and stupid, and if I were your doctor, my diagnosis for you is automatically going to be Syphilis just for that.  Have fun clearing that up with your insurance!
  2. At a place of worship – Really?? You’re going to put GOD on hold??? REALLY?!!  Don’t answer your phone at church, mosque, temple, synagogue, or at Denny’s (where Atheists get together?).
  3. In line – Let me clarify this.  When you are in line, and it’s your turn, but you are taking forever because one hand is holding your phone and you aren’t answering what the cashier/ticket lady is asking.  Doing this makes you a douche to everyone around you.  Defend yourself asshole.
  4. At a party – nobody wants to hear you screaming out “HELLO??? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”  Take that shit outside or leave it for later.
  5. At a wedding – I now pronounce you man and ….hey man what’s uppp!! You see how that doesn’t work.
  6. In a car if you are female and are driving – That one is pretty thorough as far as the explanation; disrespectful in that ladies, you’re probably gonna cause a wreck or traffic jam.
  7. In class – when I was in school, my phone didn’t get service in the buildings. Plus, texting was still new.  Pay attention youngin’s.  Y’all are getting stupider (irony if this isn’t actually a word) by the day.  Let the teacher teach.
  8. In the middle of a heart to heart talk – pretty sure whenever I’ve seen this happen in the movies, I’ve thought “what a dick”
  9. At the bank – nobody there wants to hear your shit.  Make your deposit and get the hell out of my way.
  10. At a sporting event – they can’t hear you, you can’t hear them.  WE don’t want to hear you.  Just stop.

It’s OK to pick up

  1. Random family member call – it could be an emergency, just tell the person you are with, “excuse me.” Those 2 words make it OK.
  2. When you are alone – if no one is around, you can answer your phone.
  3. When you are with your family – everybody needs to get away from the family for a few minutes, I’ll allow it.
  4. In a car if you are male and can multitask – If you can’t drive speed limit or faster, this does not apply to you.

I think that’s pretty much it.  Follow these rules and I won’t have the urge to stab you in the face with my left hand while punching you in the gut with my right hand.  Picture it.  Feel it.  Yep it hurt didn’t it.  Use your brains folks, if it would piss you off, don’t do it to other people.  I done said it.

Thank you Uncle Samuel. I am with you my man!

-You can follow me on Twitter @idonesaidit

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