I Can’t Ride a Bike

Yep.  That’s right.  I can’t ride a bike.  Insert jaw dropping and people saying “OMG!”  Yep, as a child, I never learned to ride a bike.  Make fun of me.  Do it.  Are you happy? Does it make you smile to mock someone for not being able to do things?  Do you go around making fun of dyslexic kids for not being fast readers? Or perhaps your that asshole who mocks people who are color blind for not knowing the difference between red and green.  Good for you, you damn bully.  I hope that made you feel like shit.  But it probably didn’t because if you were willing to make fun of me for not being able to ride a bike, it was already a given you were an asshole.  Maybe not to everyone, but to me anyway.  So anyways, back to the whole bike thing.  My parents never got me a bike.  Therefor I never learned how to ride one.  So you can really blame it on my parents.  Ok, you can shut your jaws now.  I know it’s weird.  How about feeling sorry for me? HA, yeh right. So in the grand scheme of things, how big was it that I missed out on the bike riding experience?  Let’s try to figure that out together.  I may not have had a bike, but I did have a bad ass Jeep Wrangler Power Wheels car.  How many of you guys wouldn’t have traded your bike in for that?  That’s right, all of you would have.  Childhood memory of Power Wheels much greater than possible bike experience. Score is 1-0 in my favor.  At the age of 16, I started driving a car.  Car driving is way cooler than bike riding.  Score is 2-0 in my favor.  How many of you still actually ride a bike when you can get to places in your car?  People riding for fitness don’t count.  The question is, how many of you when you need to go somewhere will hop on your bike to get there?  That’s what I thought.  Score is 3-0 in my favor.  So why did all of you guys waste your time learning to ride a bike?  Good question, I know.  I guess if Armageddon comes and we all have to ride bikes, I’ll be the first dude dead.  Well maybe.  I have a plan.  I recently tried riding a bike.  I asked two random strangers if they thought it was weird that I couldn’t ride a bike.  One said no it wasn’t.  The other one judged me with her judging eyes.  She did, I swear.  Then the non-judging one asked if I’d like to learn.  She then attempted to teach me for 30 minutes.  Aside from almost busting my ass a few times, there wasn’t real excitement to the whole experience.  I was happy that I finally tried while also not being sad that I couldn’t do it.  Maybe one day somebody will actually teach me (apply within).  As of now I don’t feel like I’m missing out that much.  I’ll take my Power Wheels over a bike any day. So for those of you keeping score at home, its Me – 4, Bike people – 0.  The 4th point came from me being awesome.

Actual footage of me trying to ride a bike on my own. This picture was taken yesterday.

The excitement in this kids voice is really the only reason that I even consider learning how to ride a bike.  I’m pumped!!  I’ve been watching this video for the last year just to get pumped up for anything.


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2 thoughts on “I Can’t Ride a Bike

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