Too Close

I heard this on the way to work today, and immediately busted out laughing. You know.  The song.  By the group Next.  Remember it?  Ok, now dance to it.  Sing it in your head real quick.  Some of you are thinking to yourselves right now (at this VERY MOMENT) “oh man, I love this song, this is my damn jam!”  The majority of you who said that are female.  I’m here today to ruin this song for you ladies. Although you’ve probably sang the lyrics many times, you’ve actually failed to comprehend what the song is about.  Yep, that’s right, you sang it, but you actually have no effing clue what it’s about.  You’re actually singing the chorus right now and you still don’t get it.  So ladies, let’s do this.  Let’s explain to you what this song that’s your “jam” is all about.  I can’t believe this song ever got as popular as it did.  For full effect, let the song play as you read this.

I wonder if she could tell I’m hard right now, hmmm
Yeah, come on, dance for me baby, ha ha, yeah
Ut oh, you feel that? Alright
Come on, don’t stop now
You done did it, come on, uh, yeah, alright, hold on

The song has started, no singing yet, just the intro where the guy is speaking (what the hell is this hat this damn fool is wearing?).  The words already tell you what the hell the song is about, but I guarantee you none of you actually listened to this dudes warning about what’s goin’ on.  Shit girls, as he says “you done did it.”

Baby when we’re grinding
I get so excited
Ooh, how I like it
I try but I can’t fight it
Oh, you’re dancing real close
Cuz it’s real, real slow
(You know what you’re doing, don’t you)
You’re making it hard for me

And boom, they hit you with the chorus.  Again if you’re singing along, ain’t nothing wrong with this at all.  Shit ladies, you probably doin’ some butt pop while you are standing listening to this.  So before I even get to the actual lyrics, I’ll break down some shit for you here.  Grinding = you dancing up on him.  Excited = his “manhood.” You’re dancing real close = you’re dancing real close.  You’re making “it” hard for him = yep, because you’re grinding on him, you have given him the joy that old men feel from popping a Viagra.  Song isn’t as fun for you anymore is it.  Oh, there is more.  Let us continue.

All the songs on, you requested
You’re dancing like you’re naked
Oh, it’s almost like we’re sexing (oh yeah)
Yeah boo, I like it
No, I can’t deny it
But I know you can tell
I’m excited, oh girl

I’m just gonna generalize this interpretation of the first verse.  Your boy at the club.  You know, the one your dancing with.  He pretty much thinks you are dry humping.  Words don’t lie.  Let’s move on to chorus number 2! (Given from the perspective of a female then the male).

Step back you’re dancing kinda close
I feel a little poke coming through
On you (Female)

Now girl I know you felt it
But boo, you know I can’t help it
You know what I wanna do (Male)

Yep.  That. Just. Happened.  Translation:  Girl – Umm excuse me sir, I think you are dancing too close (the name of the song!) to me and I kind of felt your little guy poking me.  Guy – Yep, that happened, you felt it, it’s all good because I am dry humping you on the dance floor.

Ok I could finish the song, but that female chorus right there, is the part that I always laughed at.  And when I’ve heard this song around chicks, they just always sing it all normal and shit.  Not realizing what the hell is going on.  So I tell them. And they go “eww” this song is perverted.  And I go yep (Then I gave myself a running self high five, Top Gun style, for effectively ruining the song for that person).

So what was the point of this?  To ruin a good (questionable use of the word “good”) song?  To be an asshole? Maybe a little bit of both.  But for real, ladies and to some degree the guys who didn’t get this song, I just want y’all to actually know what the hell you are singing.  Don’t memorize words idiots, listen to them.  Or else you could look like a fool the next time you say something is your song.  Or you could be a freak.  In which case, do the damn thang.

Other than these guys from Next, has there ever been another group of guys that you’ve wanted to punch in the face so bad just from looking at them? Seriously, somebody should have just punched these guys for how they look in their videos and pictures. They got that face collectively that screams “Hey guy, please punch me!”


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