Monthly Archives: May 2012

No Service

No I am not referring to idiots that walk into fancy restaurants without shoes or a shirt on.  This is about cell phone providers, mainly AT&T, or as I’m starting to call it AT&Sucks.  What the hell is up with all of the dropped calls lately?  Maybe y’all need to stop spending less money on advertising and a little more on cell phone towers.  I’m getting sick of seeing  “No Service” in the top left corner of my iPhone.  I’d call to make a complaint, but I’m pretty sure that I’d get halfway and then I’d lose connection.  So instead I’ll rant about how shitty AT&Sucks has been lately.  The following has become the standard for my phone conversations:

Me- Hey, what’s up (insert random conversation)

Other Person – Hello? Hello? Yo you there?

Me- HELLO? HEY CAN YOU HERE ME! (looking at phone, went from full bars of service to NO bars of service despite not having moved)

Other Person – HELLO?

Me – I’m here!! Don’t leave me alone! I’m lonely! I’m scared! Help Me!! (ok so that’s a bit of an exaggeration but you get the point)

Phone – BEEP BEEP BEEP (with the message CALL FAILURE)

Hey assholes, fix this shit.  Seriously, I’m paying enough for the damn service that this shit shouldn’t happen.  It’s not like I am inside an underground cave (contrary to popular belief I am not Batman…and I know Batman would also say he’s not Batman to throw you off, but for real I ain’t Batman…or am I?).  So to anyone who has called me and it seems like I just hung up in your face, it’s really my phone.  Or it might be me pretending it’s my phone because I didn’t want to talk to you.  Hmm on second thought, maybe shitty cell service isn’t bad after all.  Nah I’m playing, I can pretend to drop a call without the help of horrible service (imagine me making the crazy kshhhsksshhh sound to seem like I’m losing service).  So AT&Sucks, how about working on making the network good and stop lying in your commercials.  I’m only still with you guys because I am loyal to the damn iPhone (only because I don’t want to learn to use another phone….yes I am lazy).  If anybody works for AT&T, make sure you show them this rant, I have billions (more like 5…not 5 billion…just 5) of followers, and we want our voices to be heard (mainly my voice).

Hmm, maybe that’s my problem, all this time I thought my shoe was an iPhone…ahaha silly me!!

 

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Dumb People

Yep, today’s topic is dumb people. Or stupid.  Or idiots.  However you want to refer to them.  Chances are that some of you reading this fall into this population base.  So I (pretend to) apologize in advance.  A friend of mine sent me a video (which I will show to you) about these 2 idiots that put an infant in a washing machine at the laundromat.  Yeh, you didn’t read that wrong, they put the kid in a washer. Let it settle.  You can even pause to watch the video……..And we’re back.  How did that make you feel?  Like a genius? Perhaps.  In what situation is putting a child in a washing machine ok?  Somebody please let me know.  Anyone? THERE ISN’T A SITUATION WHERE THAT IS OK!!!  Holy hell, is the world really that stupid.  Why are the dumb people ruining our lives?  I’m not saying I’m smart (actually I’m a freaking genius), but damn, shit like that just isn’t right.  So watch the video again.  If you know these people, punch them in the face the next time you see them.  If you know people that are LIKE these people, you may also punch them in the face.  Fight Stupid! Fight Dumb! Fight Idiots!  If we don’t they will just multiply.  Proactiveness is the only way.  Next time you see dumb shit, try to correct it.  If that means making fun of the person for being stupid, then so be it (but at least try to tell ’em why they can’t do that first).  If it means slapping the shit out of an idiot, then by all means do it (expect jail time or a lawsuit thought).  But don’t just stand there and do nothing about it. Together we can fix this (God I hope I’m right).

I wonder if this would actually work…..

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Summer’s Here…

And all the children rejoice.  And those of us in the workplace remember what used to be.  Daydreams stop in 3, 2, 1.  Reality creeps back in.  You’re at work.  Your kids, cousins, unemployed friends are chillin’ at the pool.  You’re slaving away at work.  You pissed off yet? Like I said in an earlier blog (https://idonesaidit.com/2012/03/06/howd-i-lose-3-months/), summer pretty much sucks now.  So while we were all happy we got an extended weekend because of Memorial Day, that’s really all we got, was an extra day.  Gone is that long ass vacation.  Replaced with those long days in an air conditioned office (or non air conditioned, some bosses gotta save money somewhere right?).  So to all the people who are posting on Facebook or Twitter that “Summer is here!” please shut the hell up.  Somewhere is nowhere near here.  Unless “here” involves a time machine, none of us are gonna have a “great summer.”  So enjoy the heat and your workplace.  Oh and if you were waiting to wear white until Memorial Day, you’re an idiot.  I’m not letting anyone tell me what I can and can’t wear (wearing Batman costume to work today, my job needs a hero like me today).  So while the young in’s are getting their summer bronze on, you’re getting pastier by the minute (yeh I’m talkin’ to you, that’s not tan, you’re white as shit). Bring on the Summer Fun! Ugh, I hate you Summer.

What none of us are doing right now.

 

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I Hate Feet

I could stop with just that title.  Seriously, other than the use of feet to get me around, I hate them.  They are ugly to look at.  I advocate people keeping them covered up all the time (ankle socks, not tube socks).  What other body part that people show on the regular (in public)  is uglier (insert your face jokes here) than feet?  There isn’t an answer.  Feet are the ugliest “showable” body part.  The toes on our feet are just not attractive at all. Ladies (and some fellas), you can dress ’em up all ya want, but your feet are still ugly.  For you weird ass people who have a fetish for feet (the dude in Mr. Deeds), what the hell is goin’ on in your sick ass brains.  Feet are disgusting and most of the time dirty (yep, you assholes don’t clean your feet right, don’t lie).  Whenever a chick asks me if I like her toenails after a pedicure, I say no.  Is that mean? Maybe.  But at least I’m honest.  I’d rather look at a wound than look at feet. The main thing I hate about spring/summer is all the idiots wearing flip flops and sandals showing off their ugly ass feet.  And you know what?  Some of you know you have EXTREMELY ugly feet, yet you show them off proudly.  It’s disgusting.  If you question whether your feet are nice or not, they are 100% not nice.  If you think your feet are nice feet, you too are incorrect. No one has nice feet.  Just doesn’t happen.  Myself included (but I’m sure mine are nicer than yours).  Think about it.  Then cover up.  I don’t wanna see that shit.

The only “foot” picture I could tolerate posting.

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I Can’t Ride a Bike

Yep.  That’s right.  I can’t ride a bike.  Insert jaw dropping and people saying “OMG!”  Yep, as a child, I never learned to ride a bike.  Make fun of me.  Do it.  Are you happy? Does it make you smile to mock someone for not being able to do things?  Do you go around making fun of dyslexic kids for not being fast readers? Or perhaps your that asshole who mocks people who are color blind for not knowing the difference between red and green.  Good for you, you damn bully.  I hope that made you feel like shit.  But it probably didn’t because if you were willing to make fun of me for not being able to ride a bike, it was already a given you were an asshole.  Maybe not to everyone, but to me anyway.  So anyways, back to the whole bike thing.  My parents never got me a bike.  Therefor I never learned how to ride one.  So you can really blame it on my parents.  Ok, you can shut your jaws now.  I know it’s weird.  How about feeling sorry for me? HA, yeh right. So in the grand scheme of things, how big was it that I missed out on the bike riding experience?  Let’s try to figure that out together.  I may not have had a bike, but I did have a bad ass Jeep Wrangler Power Wheels car.  How many of you guys wouldn’t have traded your bike in for that?  That’s right, all of you would have.  Childhood memory of Power Wheels much greater than possible bike experience. Score is 1-0 in my favor.  At the age of 16, I started driving a car.  Car driving is way cooler than bike riding.  Score is 2-0 in my favor.  How many of you still actually ride a bike when you can get to places in your car?  People riding for fitness don’t count.  The question is, how many of you when you need to go somewhere will hop on your bike to get there?  That’s what I thought.  Score is 3-0 in my favor.  So why did all of you guys waste your time learning to ride a bike?  Good question, I know.  I guess if Armageddon comes and we all have to ride bikes, I’ll be the first dude dead.  Well maybe.  I have a plan.  I recently tried riding a bike.  I asked two random strangers if they thought it was weird that I couldn’t ride a bike.  One said no it wasn’t.  The other one judged me with her judging eyes.  She did, I swear.  Then the non-judging one asked if I’d like to learn.  She then attempted to teach me for 30 minutes.  Aside from almost busting my ass a few times, there wasn’t real excitement to the whole experience.  I was happy that I finally tried while also not being sad that I couldn’t do it.  Maybe one day somebody will actually teach me (apply within).  As of now I don’t feel like I’m missing out that much.  I’ll take my Power Wheels over a bike any day. So for those of you keeping score at home, its Me – 4, Bike people – 0.  The 4th point came from me being awesome.

Actual footage of me trying to ride a bike on my own. This picture was taken yesterday.

The excitement in this kids voice is really the only reason that I even consider learning how to ride a bike.  I’m pumped!!  I’ve been watching this video for the last year just to get pumped up for anything.

 

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The Facebook Song

This has been making it’s way around the internet since late last week, and honestly at first I didn’t want to even give it any attention.  But when I though of how ridiculous the video is and how STUPID the song is I felt that I actually needed to make fun of it.  Let’s be honest for a minute here and remember what Facebook was developed as, a social network for college kids.  Bam, back then Facebook was awesome because of that.  So with that quick little FB history, I wonder why the hell OLD people (and yes I know I’m old, but I’m not OLD) made a damn song about how much they love Facebook.  I wonder if they even know how to post videos to Facebook (please tell me you got that?).  The song is all about thanking Facebook.  That was not a typo.  That is what the song is about.  So I’m gonna let the video both make you laugh and make you be afraid…very afraid.  These people creep me out, no lie.  Enjoy….or actually, don’t enjoy, just tolerate it.  Then laugh…or cry (out of fear or realizing that it’s your mom/aunt/grandma/etc who made this video).

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Too Close

I heard this on the way to work today, and immediately busted out laughing. You know.  The song.  By the group Next.  Remember it?  Ok, now dance to it.  Sing it in your head real quick.  Some of you are thinking to yourselves right now (at this VERY MOMENT) “oh man, I love this song, this is my damn jam!”  The majority of you who said that are female.  I’m here today to ruin this song for you ladies. Although you’ve probably sang the lyrics many times, you’ve actually failed to comprehend what the song is about.  Yep, that’s right, you sang it, but you actually have no effing clue what it’s about.  You’re actually singing the chorus right now and you still don’t get it.  So ladies, let’s do this.  Let’s explain to you what this song that’s your “jam” is all about.  I can’t believe this song ever got as popular as it did.  For full effect, let the song play as you read this.

I wonder if she could tell I’m hard right now, hmmm
Yeah, come on, dance for me baby, ha ha, yeah
Ut oh, you feel that? Alright
Come on, don’t stop now
You done did it, come on, uh, yeah, alright, hold on

The song has started, no singing yet, just the intro where the guy is speaking (what the hell is this hat this damn fool is wearing?).  The words already tell you what the hell the song is about, but I guarantee you none of you actually listened to this dudes warning about what’s goin’ on.  Shit girls, as he says “you done did it.”

Baby when we’re grinding
I get so excited
Ooh, how I like it
I try but I can’t fight it
Oh, you’re dancing real close
Cuz it’s real, real slow
(You know what you’re doing, don’t you)
You’re making it hard for me

And boom, they hit you with the chorus.  Again if you’re singing along, ain’t nothing wrong with this at all.  Shit ladies, you probably doin’ some butt pop while you are standing listening to this.  So before I even get to the actual lyrics, I’ll break down some shit for you here.  Grinding = you dancing up on him.  Excited = his “manhood.” You’re dancing real close = you’re dancing real close.  You’re making “it” hard for him = yep, because you’re grinding on him, you have given him the joy that old men feel from popping a Viagra.  Song isn’t as fun for you anymore is it.  Oh, there is more.  Let us continue.

All the songs on, you requested
You’re dancing like you’re naked
Oh, it’s almost like we’re sexing (oh yeah)
Yeah boo, I like it
No, I can’t deny it
But I know you can tell
I’m excited, oh girl

I’m just gonna generalize this interpretation of the first verse.  Your boy at the club.  You know, the one your dancing with.  He pretty much thinks you are dry humping.  Words don’t lie.  Let’s move on to chorus number 2! (Given from the perspective of a female then the male).

Step back you’re dancing kinda close
I feel a little poke coming through
On you (Female)

Now girl I know you felt it
But boo, you know I can’t help it
You know what I wanna do (Male)

Yep.  That. Just. Happened.  Translation:  Girl – Umm excuse me sir, I think you are dancing too close (the name of the song!) to me and I kind of felt your little guy poking me.  Guy – Yep, that happened, you felt it, it’s all good because I am dry humping you on the dance floor.

Ok I could finish the song, but that female chorus right there, is the part that I always laughed at.  And when I’ve heard this song around chicks, they just always sing it all normal and shit.  Not realizing what the hell is going on.  So I tell them. And they go “eww” this song is perverted.  And I go yep (Then I gave myself a running self high five, Top Gun style, for effectively ruining the song for that person).

So what was the point of this?  To ruin a good (questionable use of the word “good”) song?  To be an asshole? Maybe a little bit of both.  But for real, ladies and to some degree the guys who didn’t get this song, I just want y’all to actually know what the hell you are singing.  Don’t memorize words idiots, listen to them.  Or else you could look like a fool the next time you say something is your song.  Or you could be a freak.  In which case, do the damn thang.

Other than these guys from Next, has there ever been another group of guys that you’ve wanted to punch in the face so bad just from looking at them? Seriously, somebody should have just punched these guys for how they look in their videos and pictures. They got that face collectively that screams “Hey guy, please punch me!”

 

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Graduation…

First off, congrats to everyone who has graduated in the past few weeks (or will graduate in the next few weeks).  There I was nice, pretty sure that’s where that will end.  New grads, enjoy this moment.  Enjoy that one week of awesomeness where your thoughts are all geared towards “I’m finally finished!”  Enjoy those new pictures with you in your cap and gown (destined to be the Facebook profile pictures of millions worldwide).  Enjoy that feeling that you can sleep in and not give a damn about what’s going on that day, because all YOU have to do is sleep and just be.  Ah, to “just be,” it’s wonderful.  But something happens in the next few weeks “grad.”  Something that kind of sucks.  It’s called the “Real World” (true storraaayyy).  No you aren’t going to be picked to live with 6 strangers.  It’s more like your life is going to crash course with strangers on a daily basis.  You’re going to have to get a job.  You know a job, that thing where you have to show up to work at a certain time, actually do shit, then can only leave at a certain time.  It’s kinda of like prison minus the awesome pick up basketball games. No sleeping at the desk, no copying your friend’s homework, no skipping class or bailing early.  Read that last sentence again.  Yep, the “Real World” sucks.  That’s if you’re even lucky to find a job! In the case that you don’t, the “Real World” is gonna suck a lot more.  Damn, I just Negative Nancy’d the hell out of your exciting time didn’t I?  Guess what, that’s part of graduation too.  So what the hell am I getting at with this other than being the asshole that I am bringing you down from your joyous occasion? Hmm, maybe I just wanted to be an asshole today.  Or maybe I wanted to tell you that for all the bitching and complaining about assignments and exams and pop quizzes and projects that you’ve done, you’re going to regret complaining.  Most likely that regret will be rather soon.  College should have been a happy time for you.  A time with great memories.  A time of fun.  The “Real World” has a little less “happy” in it when you start working.  A little less “fun.”  Yeh, you might be making money, but gone are the days where you didn’t really have to worry about shit.  Replaced now with bills, bills, bills (and I ain’t talking Destiny’s Child).  Growing up kinda sucks.  You can’t play with toys anymore, you can’t watch cartoons, and you have to go to work.  Work, the four letter word that makes anything associated with school seem incredible.  You don’t know what you got til it’s gone, and guess what, the moment you walked across that stage it was gone. So grads, CONGRATS!  Enjoy your last true vacation EVER.  In a few years you’re gonna wish you never left school (shit, you might already be wishing it).  I really am happy for y’all, but damn somebody gotta break down the truth. Remember if all else fails, you can always go back to school, and hopefully this time you’ll know to try to stay for as long as you can!

A special shout out to my friends who are graduating, I’m proud of all of ya, now start working so you can take me out to dinner (hell I’ll settle for lunch)!

Now what?

(Love this damn commercial, the lyrics to this song couldn’t be any more true)

 

 

 

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Trolling on Facebook

Oh Facebook.  How I love to mess with people on thee.  You ever get the urge to just eff with people?  You ever actually done it?  Have you tried it on Facebook (Wow, that just felt like an infomercial)?  We all have those “friends” that put up statuses that we wanna respond to in a smart ass way.  Right?  I know it’s not just me.  We fight the urge to be dicks though.  Well, sometimes.  Because sometimes, when you see someone attempting to be “deep” in thought with Facebook status, you really do just got to regulate (Mount Up) on them.  Even if they are putting up a sad status.  Shit just has to be done.  So if you don’t know how to “troll” someone, particularly on Facebook, sit back and enjoy.

FB Status – Does anybody else ever get the feeling that world is just against them?

Me- Nope, not at all.

In this example, a short and simple response was all that was needed.  It was indeed assish.  But it got the point across that a) nobody wants to hear about your bad day on Facebook, call a friend, keep that shit in a tight circle and b) keep posting soft shit like this and I will make you feel stupid for doing so.

FB Status – I’m so bored that I could kill myself.

Me – If you’re slitting your wrists, it’s down the road, not across the street.  If you’re hanging yourself, make sure that rope isn’t too long.  Dibs on your computer and TV.

Here you see that someone is just reaching out for a friend to hang out with them, but instead of just calling someone, they advertised to the world that nobody really wants to hang out with them.  My reply was me just trying to help them out, make it less messy with regards to the clean up.  Plus I wanted some free shit.

FB Status – Vacation starts today!! 🙂 😉  It’s a much needed break! (Insert location) here I come.

Me – Hey be careful on your trip, I hear that (insert location) has had a recent outbreak of syphilis, so make sure you’re aware of your surroundings.  Also, crime rates there are really high this time of year, so pay attention! Have a fun time!!

Well, that wasn’t really trolling, I was being nice and considerate.  I even put exclamation points.  I’m such a jackass.

So those are just a few examples, we all have our own style to be funny, errr I mean assish (I know this is not a word, but dammit I am using it).  The weekend is upon us, there will be many opportunities to “troll” so get your creative juices flowing and regulate (“just hit the east side of the LBC….”) on some fools.

HA! Even Willy Wonka is doing it!

(RIP Nate Dogg…”It was a clear black night…”  Come on you knew I was linking this song, I referenced it twice)

 

 

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I’ll See You in a Few…

This conversation happens daily for millions of us. “I’ll be there in 5 minutes.”  But you won’t really be there, will you? You are a lying sack of shit.  We all are I guess.  It’s gotten to the point now where if you tell someone to meet you for lunch at 12, that you expect them to be there at 12:15 or 12:30.  What happened to society?  What happened to respecting peoples time? What happened to being prompt?  Somewhere between the sun dial and the iPhone, we’ve actually lost our ability to tell time.  As a thoughtful human being, the grasping of the concept of time is pretty easy.  I say I’ll be there at 7 PM, it means I’ll be there at 7 PM, probably a little earlier because I am considerate.  To the majority of the world’s population (my asshole friends included, I still love y’all, not really) timing is(n’t) everything.  Whether it’s a girl who wants to be fashionably late, or a friend who thinks the movie theater is gonna save his crew seats because by God, he is who he is.  The lateness people exhibit is in direct proportion with how much they actually respect you.  The later they are, the less they respect you.  The more frequent they are late, the less they respect you.  That’s right folks, that’s what it means.  There will be people who will defend there tardiness, but is there really a defense?  If it happens once, maybe twice, then you know what sure it’s forgivable.  If it continues, it shows a pattern, a pattern of disrespect.  So if you haven’t left your house when someone calls to ask how far you are, or if you are really 20 minutes away but you are “parking,” this little rant is for you. So with this blog, I’m putting people on blast.  I would hope everyone else does the same.  My time is just as valuable (if not more valuable) than yours.  Why more valuable? Because I respect it.  So respect me, and respect yourself.  When you make plans, follow through on the timing, or soon enough, you’ll have all the time in the world to do shit…..alone.

Wow this is so on point, it’s usually the late person who gets mad. Annoying as shit.

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