Dum, dum, dum (sound effect, not the word ‘dumb’ Grammar Police). Today is the day all the crazies come out. Friday the 13th. If you’re white, don’t go out to a cabin for a nice nature weekend. If you’re black, don’t hang out with white people. Seriously. Have you seen the movies? Every time, it’s like one or two black people and like 4-8 whites. And what happens? The black people die first, that’s what happens. Why? Because their white friends are assholes who leave them behind. If I was black (if only!!), I’d use my supreme athletic superiority and just run. That’s right, run as far away, and as fast as I could. Chase my ass Jason! I’d like to see you try. I’d be fast as shit. I wouldn’t tip toe through a forest, or walk slowly near a lake. I’d be like, “hey Lucas (that’s a pretty white name right?) I’m out son, I don’t think this asshole will catch me, when I’m out of this damn forest I’ll see if I find any cops, if not bro, it was nice knowin’ ya and thanks for the camping invite!” That might be the last I see of Lucas, but you know what, eff him. Why the hell did he drag me out on a camping trip with only white people?! He was just filling a ‘race quota’…damn Lucas is an asshole. Either what I just said is true, OR the more likely story that Jason Voorhees is a racist son of a bitch who goes out of his way to kill all the people of ethnicity first before making his way to ‘his people.’ Maybe he’s afraid of what he doesn’t know? Or maybe he’s racist because he’s Lisa Turtle’s ex-husband (her real name is Lark Voorhees) and she made him hate black people? What if that asshole was really Screech?!? Holy shit, I just blew my own mind. What if he just changed his last name to be like Lisa’s because he’s an ultimate stalker?? And now he’s just taking it all out on black people first because of his broken heart. He follows it up by killing white people (he’s probably still bitter that his best friend Zack dated Lisa for an episode or two) since he knows he’s already killing people and he’s just a crazy psychopath. I think I’m on to something! No wonder Mr. Samuel Powers (Screech’s real name on the show) isn’t invited to any of the reunions! After all those years of being ridiculed, he’s out to get everybody. Lucky for me, there were no Middle Eastern characters in the show or in the movies, so I should be safe. Please believe I’ll be avoiding all white and black people tonight though, I ain’t got time for that shit. I got work in the mornings! Hell hath no fury like a Screech scorned.