Monthly Archives: April 2012

The grass isn’t always greener…

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.  We’ve all heard that before right?  Is it true? In my case, I don’t water my lawn, so in fact, the grass IS always greener on the other side.  So there, the statement is false.  Damn that was quick and easy to explain. End blog.

Riiiiiight. Like you could get me to shut up that fast!  I know the other variation is that people will always look to what they don’t have and that’s when it’s “the grass is always greener on the other side.”  Both phrases mean the same thing, but are just offered from different perspectives.  If you’re never satisfied with what you have, then to you the grass is always greener on the other side.  If you’re happy with the cards you’ve been dealt in life, then to you, the grass isn’t greener on the other side.  So what the hell am I talkin’ about?  I have no idea.  I told a friend of mine that I’d talk about grass in a blog, so I did.  Be happy with what you got and you’ll probably get more, or be sad with what you don’t have and you probably won’t get anything you envy. But on the real, the grass is only as green as you want it to be, so feed your lawn…..FEEEEDDD IITTTT!

Damn, inspirational much today?

For proper lawn maintenance, I prefer Scotts, only because their commercials are awesome. But seriously, take care of your own grass before you worry bout your neighbors' son!

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PLAYOFFFSSS!!!

Breakdown of the match-ups with who won the season series.

Here we go.  The NBA, where “amazing happens.”  The playoffs, where superstars become legends or regress to stars (LeBron, this one’s for you).  I’m a hater, I know this.  I am a crazy fan of my teams.  I will follow them until the bitter end (and trust me, it’s usually ending bitter for me).  This year will be different.  And with that, I give you my predictions for the 1st Round of the NBA Playoffs.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

1. Chicago Bulls vs. 8. Philadelphia 76ers

The 76ers (cough,Evan Turner, cough) wanted the Bulls (because the “Heat are a better team”) so bad, that they royally tanked their final game of the season to keep the 8th seed.  Well Philly, you got your wish.  Derrick Rose and Evan Turner have bad blood from their high school days in the Chi, and Rose didn’t take too kindly to Turner’s statement.  Rose dominates, Bench Mob does work, Bulls in 5.

4. Boston Celtics vs. 5. Atlanta Hawks

The Celtics are one of those teams that could either win a championship, or lose in the first round.  The injury to Ray Allen is troubling.  The emergence of Avery Bradley masks it some, but please believe the playoffs are not the regular season and they need Allen’s shooting. The Hawks are ummm, the Hawks.  Yeh, maybe the Celts don’t need Ray-Ray for this series.  Celtics in 6.

3. Indiana Pacers vs. 6. Orlando Magic

Also known as Snoozefest 2012.  Nobody actually cares who wins this series.  Dwight Howard is “injured” and won’t play (yes I put that in quotation marks, he reminds me of that kid that takes away the ball when he doesn’t get his way on the playground).  Shout out to David West representing my highschool.  Otherwise I really don’t care.  Pacers in 6.

2. Miami Heat vs. 7. New York Knicks

Hmm. Last lockout season 1998-1999, the Knicks turned it on just before the playoffs, and upset then number 1 seed Miami Heat in the first round.  We all remember the fights and the Allan Houston shot.  This year, Knicks have kind of been on a tear lately.  I’m not saying anything, but I’m just saying.  Melo could turn into the Melo from his Championship at ‘Cuse.  JR Smith and Steve Novak could go nutty hitting 3’s (Three pointers will be a HUGE factor in this series).  Tyson Chandler will anchor the back line of the Knicks D.  Iman Shumpert can slow D-Wade.  I hate the Heat.  I hate LeBron.  I think Bosh is the softest player in the NBA.  If I were the Knicks, I’d bring Amare off the bench. Obviously I’m not the Knicks.  The LBJ-Melo matchup should (SHOULD) be a classic. As much as I hate to admit it, the Knicks are better than people are giving them credit for.  The Heat’s lack of size in the paint and tendency to miss a ton of their 3’s will cost them.  Knicks in 6 or 7.  Haters gonna hate.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

1. San Antonio Spurs vs. 8. Utah Jazz

Spurs look primed for another championship run.  The Jazz are not that good.  Spurs in 5.  Yep, it’s that simple.

4. Memphis Grizzlies vs. 5. Los Angeles Clippers

Z-BO! He’s back. Can he carry the Grizz again? The fact that him and Rudy Gay can’t play together scares me because this is probably one of the best teams built for the playoffs. When your 2 best players can’t work on the court together it’s an issue though.  Chris Paul wants to win.  Blake Griffin needs to learn to play defense.  If this turns into a Chris Paul dribble for 20 seconds show, the Grizz will beat the hell out of Lob City.  I’m torn on this series.  I really am.  It’ll be entertaining to watch though.  Because of the Gay-Z-Bo drama, I’m going Clippers in 6.

3. Los Angeles Lakers vs. 6. Denver Nuggets

On paper, the Nuggets should win this series.  In reality, paper doesn’t actually beat rock, and the Nuggets won’t beat the Lakers.  Kobe is Kobe, Bynum could be a beast and Pau is doin’ the damn thang (he’s hitting 3’s now!).  Ty Lawson, Aaron Afflalo, and the”Manimal” are a solid core, but no way in hell would I pick a team that has JaVelle McGee as their center.  Lakers in 6.

2. Oklahoma City Thunder vs. 7. Dallas Mavericks

Really?!? This is a 1st Round matchup?  Damn you Lamar Odom for making the Mavericks end up being the 7 seed.  This could have been a Western Conference Finals matchup in any other year.  The Mavs regret letting Tyson Chandler go.  He was their defense.  The Thunder are niiiiiccee.  If “Toofie” Westbrook can learn to not turn the ball over and just keep nailing those midrange jumpers, the Thunder will actually be a title contender.  It’s Durant’s team.  Give him the damn ball. Quick thought though, if James Harden was a LEGO man, that shot from Metta World Peace would have knocked his damn head off (it actually almost happened with him being a real life human).  Thunder in 6.  Dirk and company get rest as they await the offseason to sign Deron Williams and maybe trade for Dwight Howard.  Rest up Dallas.

(This theme needs to come back ASAP.  I just got so hyped up listening to this damn song.  NBA do something and buy this from Jon Tesh for reals. I’m still bobbing my head to the beat.)

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Dear Pep

Dear Pep,

First and foremost, thank you.  Thank you Pep for bringing the beauty back to futbol.  Thank you for the 13 (still a chance for number 14 in the Copa del Rey) championships you’ve won in your 4 years at Barcelona.  Thank you for being humble in your victories.  Thank you for being classy in your defeats (ahem, that dick at Madrid could learn a thing or two..I never said I was classy).  I’m sure that coaching one of the most popular teams in the world can lead to lots of stress and because of what you’ve accomplished, I ain’t mad at ya. I am sad though.  Sad that you are going out not having won La Liga for a 4th year.  Sad you couldn’t win your 3rd UEFA Champions League.  Sad that we won’t be seeing your GQ stylings roaming the Nou Camp sidelines anymore (seriously, this guy was fresh as shit with regards to how he dressed).  I know you didn’t develop the tika-taka style of short passing and ball control that Barca employs, but you did help perfect it.  The beauty in which your teams played (aside from when there was flopping) could make a scoreless draw an amazing game to behold.  I do not think Barca will fail without you, but I do think it will not be as easy as some might think.  You were able to manage the players and make them play as one.  Messi, Xavi, Iniesta, Puyol, Pique, Fabregas, Sanchez, Villa, Alves, Busquets, Mascherano, Keita, Abidal, Pedro, Thiago, etc.  Those names hold a lot of weight in the world of soccer individually, but under your watch, they were all ONE. You molded them into a masterpiece. Because of you, FC Barcelona was on top of the world of soccer. Because of you, Barca is indeed “mes que un club.”

Thanks for everything Pep.

Sincerely,

Every FC Barcelona Fan

Thanks for the memories Pep. You may not have won every trophy possible in your tenure at Barca, but next to the word "Winner" in the dictionary will be a picture you, all pimped out on the sidelines.

 

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My NFL Mock Draft

Mock (Yeaaahhh) Draft (Yeaaaah) Yeah (Yeaaaah). Tonight is the night where fans get hyped up about 20-23 year old kids being the saviors for their professional football teams.  I am one of those fans hyped as my Redskins will be selecting RG3 with the 2nd overall pick.  I do not care that we will not draft in the first round for the next 2 seasons, because Rex Grossman and John Beck started for us last year.  Do you understand that? I’d trade away 5 more first round picks so that those assclowns didn’t play for my team again.  With that said, I’m gonna give my predictions for how this draft will go.  I aim for a 100% correct rate (so NFL teams do what I say!).  In all honesty though, I will probably only get the 1st and 2nd picks right.

Here we go:

1. Andrew Luck QB/Stanford (I hate the way he talks)

2. Robert Griffin III QB/Baylor (He will be amazing in Madden)

3. Matt Kalil LT/USC (Is this guy arab?)

4. Trent Richardson RB/Alabama (Did anybody else find it weird that a Junior in college was taking a girl to the prom? Yeh it was a good gesture, but still weird)

5. Morris Claiborne CB/LSU (Apparently this guy is an idiot, but luckily you don’t need to be a rocket scientist to play football)

6. Justin Blackmon WR/Oklahoma State (To me, he is the 2nd best prospect in this draft. Megatron v2.0 or perhaps Optimus Prime)

7. Fletcher Cox DT/Mississippi State (Must have sucked to have this guy’s name growing up)

8. Ryan Tannehill QB/Texas A&M (This is a reach, and he will most likely suck, mostly because the Dolphins suck)

9. Luke Kuechly LB/Boston College (He can’t be this good, he played for BC, therefor he was on defense a lot, hence the high tackle numbers, bad pick)

10. Michael Floyd WR/Notre Dame (Smart QB, decent RB, knucklehead WR, and now smart WR…the Bills need help)

11. Stephon Gilmore CB/South Carolina (2nd best CB in the draft, great value pick, Chiefs will still suck)

12. Melvin Ingram DE/South Carolina (who would have thought 2 Gamecocks players to go this early)

13. Riley Reiff OT/Iowa (Weak offensive line draft this year)

14. Mark Barron S/Alabama (And with that, this guy will be hated by me forever, the Cowboys still suck)

15. Michael Brockers DT/LSU (He didn’t win a championship in college, and with the Eagles, hopefully he never wins)

16. Quinton Coples DE/UNC (Check out the Frat scars on this guys arms, they make me want to throw up)

17. Dre Kirkpatrick CB/Alabama (He better know how to do drugs, rob something, beat his wife, etc if he’s joining the Bengals)

18. Chandler Jones DE/Syracuse (Wouldn’t it be great if he was named after Chandler from Friends…is the show even that old?)

19. Dontario Poe DT/Memphis (Bears wanting to make their line as scary as the Lions…)

20. Whitney Mercilus DE/Illinois (These last 3 picks can all be alternated, they are that close)

21. David DeCastro G/Stanford (Bengals finally picking smart)

22. Kendall Wright WR/Baylor (Fast receiver, hopefully RG3 made him look better than he is and not vice versa)

23. Cordy Glenn G/Georgia (Protect the fragile Stafford)

24. Dont’a Hightower LB/Alabama (Steelers look to get younger on defense)

25. Jerel Worthy DT/Michigan State (Broncos need help on defense, line help is crucial)

26. Stephen Hill WR/Georgia Tech (Speed. Speed. Speed. Put him on the outside running Go-routes with Andre Johnson in the middle of the field. Wow)

27. Courtney Upshaw DE/Alabama (Never mind that he has a girl’s name, this guy was a beast at Alabama, steal this late in draft)

28. Shea McClellin LB/Boise State (The rich get richer, more LB help for the Packers talented core)

29. Kevin Zeitler G/Wisconsin (Will the Hitler youth please stand up…his name alone scares me)

30. Brandon Weeden QB/Oklahoma State (49ers don’t really trust Alex Smith again do they?)

31. Harrison Smith S/Notre Dame (Pats need lots of help on defense, especially the secondary)

32. Coby Fleener TE/Stanford (Giants need a Tight End, he’s the best tight end, makes sense)

Now by no means am I a draft expert, but let’s just see how well I do.  If I get half the guys in the right spot, I’ll be pretty damn ecstatic.

Hey Commish Goodell, you sure you don't wanna accidentally call my name tonight? Pleeeeezzz

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Wash Your Damn Hands

To the guy that just walked out of the public restroom without washing your hands, you are a disgusting asshole.  Seriously, it takes all of 20 seconds (sing happy birthday while doing it for the right amount of time) to wash your hands.  Shit humor me, turn on the faucet and don’t even wash, but at least lead me to believe that you did.  I’d venture to say (I’ve always wanted to use the phrase “venture to say”) that 50% of guys do not wash their hands after using the restroom.  How is that acceptable? Ladies, when your man leaves the bathroom, do you not call him out on this shit? If you don’t it’s time to start! Mothers, do you not instill it in your children to clean their filthiness after using the bathroom? If you don’t, be a better parent.  I can only speak for what I see in the Men’s room, but does this shit happen on the female side of things too? Have we gotten to that point as a society that we are just a bunch of disgusting pricks?  Am I the only person that this actually bothers?  I wonder how many of the people who aren’t washing their hands work in the food industry, or just shook my hand upon arrival for a meeting.  Excuse me while I go shower myself in hand sanitizer to get this dirty feeling off of me.  Next time you see someone not washing their hands, call em out.  Say something witty if you can, and if you can’t just revert to the 1st grade with an “ewww, you didn’t wash your hands!” shouted out at the top of your lungs (also make sure you point at the culprit).  Hey society, you’re disgusting, wash your damn hands!

In case your mom didn't teach proper bathroom etiquette, here's a step by step on how to wash your hands you idiot. If you still mess this up, slit your wrists...seriously...down the road not across the street bro.

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Who’s a better singer?

Now I’m not trying to be mean (aka this is gonna sound really messed up) or anything, but a scenario was proposed to me a few weeks ago and I thought I’d share.  You can either respond your answer or be a selfish asshole and keep it to yourself.  We all know that Whitney Houston (RIP) passed away recently.  The only other artist that you could compare vocally to her is Mariah Carey.  So here comes  the messed up scenario.  In their PRIME, if you had to pick one of them to be dead and one of them to be alive, who would you go with?  And with that let the hating begin.  For the record, I’d go with Whitney living.

Surprisingly, both of these amazing talents married douchebag R&B artists....

(I can’t believe they only did ONE freaking song together, ugh!!)

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Barrio Kart

Wobble-dee, Wobble-dee, Wobble…

While “I’m stacking my groceries, my cart hum like it’s tribal.

I got wheelies half shakin, that shit look like it hobble.

How your body impressive, and then your wheel dead as a fossil?”

Now that I’ve struck your ghetto nerve, let’s talk shopping carts. You may know them as “buggies” if you’re from the south, “shopping trollies” if you’re from the UK, or “shopping carriages/wagons” if you’re…umm, a Girly-Man? Anyway, have you ever grabbed a shopping cart and the poor fella is slightly handicapped? You know…the back wheel is locked into place. The front wheel ONLY turns left. The cart squeaks as it rolls. Actually it doesn’t really roll, it kinda just slides. Occasionally, it hobbles like a peg-legged prostitute. The neglected, emotionally abandoned cart doesn’t really show signs of being disabled until you are too far to return it and grab another. So, what do you do? You hope for the best, that’s what you do. You push on, leaning slightly to the left to keep the cart on a straight path. Partly pissed off that you were too lazy to walk back to exchange it. Partly pissed off that the grocery store doesn’t provide better cart maintenance. You kick the wheel relentlessly when its time to turn. You dodge traffic, nearly clipping slow, immobile, elderly people. Sometimes accidentally, sometimes on purpose. You swerve uncontrollably from side to side as you GLIDE your way down the aisle.  Eventually, the extra steering efforts tire you out and you notice yourself angrily tossing the groceries into the cart. You become annoyed at anything in your path. You give people mean looks for no reason. Even the pimply 16 year old stock-boy narrowly avoids being Falcon Punched by quickly walking away as you approach.

BUT…what happens after that long, drawn out, impossible mission is a miracle…

As you stand slightly crooked at the checkout line (because the cart just wouldn’t go straight enough, even for that LAST 5 feet!), you recount your time together. Miraculously, you start to feel a little sad for the cart. You form a bond. Like frat-boy-hopefuls after drinking urine out of each other’s mouths. You actually end up pretty proud for having accomplished such a ridiculous feat. However, the newly formed bond isn’t forever. You know that soon you’ll have to part ways. So, as you walk to your car, you say your good-byes. You smile and you enjoy the last of your loud, clunky, bumpy ride together. You bob your head along to the beat of the wheels and you think:

Spaz, spaz, spaz, spaz. Stop, now make that motherfucker Clamor Time.”

Go stupid…Go stupid….

-This Guest Post was written by ERockPerez, you can follow him on twitter @ERockPerez

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Happy Birfffday Lil Sis

A looooooonnnnnggg (don’t worry, I’m not gonna say how long) time ago today, a little knucklehead was born.  My family tells me that when she arrived I liked her and was happy to have a younger sibling in the house.  However, I do not believe this, I feel it’s just been propaganda to make me feel obligated to actually like my younger sibling.  Only 1 year and 3 months younger than me, she came into this world and stole my thunder.  She stole my childhood.  She stole the love of my parents.  Sadface.  I was only 1 and I realized that I wasn’t loved anymore, this little demon monster had come and taken it all away from me.  As we grew, this one year separation kept haunting me, she was at every school, every party, and every social event (and I’m only talking about elementary school!).  She was like that toy “My Buddy” or “Kid Sister” because “wherever I go she goeeeeessss” (yes you have to stretch out the word goes).  She was that superglue that you couldn’t get off your hand, that gum that sticks to the bottom of your shoe, the ice layer/frost that makes your tongue stick to that frozen pole (Did I mention she sucked her thumb til she was about 13?).  When I would want to play with my toys, she would want to play in the same area.  When I would want to play video games, she’d want to watch TV. She almost single-handedly ruined my childhood! She was just always (emphasis on the word always) there!  Elementary School, Middle School, High School, and even freaking College (Go Wolfpack!)!  She never missed a chance to follow me!  She’d make friends with all my friends (yep, she only had one friend, and my parents made me share mine).  First she stole my shine, now she was stealing my friends.  She was becoming cool by association (association to me of course). She annoyed the hell out of me by just being THERE (aka everywhere).  But then a funny thing happened my senior year in college (yes it took that long, if you know her, you’d understand why ahahah), we became friends.  I couldn’t believe it when it happened (as I’m sure you guys are all blown away by these developments as well).  She still can annoy the hell out of me, but it’s different. We actually started liking hanging out with each other, we’d talk about personal things, we shared this time and information with each other…wait for it…VOLUNTARILY (For the record she will deny that there was any friction on her part, but all the tattling from her growing up says otherwise)!!  She grew up (or I grew up, whatever).  She grew up to be a beautiful young woman, an amazing friend, but as much growing up as she did, she will always be my little sister.  So today, April 19, I’m gonna wish my little sis Rana aka Breezy aka R-bad aka Froggy aka The adopted child a happy birthday.  May God grant you many more years and give you everything you want in life and more.  Love ya kid. I done said it!

Happy Birthday Sis, love ya! Wait a minute, she looks and is dressed like me....I didn't know I had a little brother?? Mom?! Dad?! Is there something you guys didn't tell me? OR this is proof that she was just wanting to be just like me (imitation is the finest form of flattery).

(I know this post was soft as shit, haters gonna hate.)

The Voice

Does anybody watch this show? I do, go ahead and judge me I don’t give a damn.  I’ve found that the show actually sucks after the initial “blind auditions.”  Adam Levine and Blake Shelton are hilarious, Cee-Lo (he’s just a tall midget right? his arms are tiny!) is weird and funny, and Christina Aguillera is just plain annoying as shit.  She’s like an annoying looking transvestite wench.  Her face looks all botox’ed up and she thinks she is God’s gift to earth.  Yo “X-tina” you haven’t been relevant since you were “Dirty” (she was hot as hell in that video, in a dirty kind of way of course).  Ever since then, you’ve actually just became “Trashy.”  The Voice could do a lot better with a lot less of her voice. Let the funny guys stay funny and remove the evil troll from the damn show.  Christina, please just bottle up your Genie looking self and shut the hell up. That is all….for now…

It's amazing what airbrushing can do...if you watch the show she looks like a cross between japanamation and prostitution...just sayin'

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Tupac…alive and well

2-Pack Shaker (that’s how we pronounce it in the south) is alive. Tupac ain’t dead.  Hologram/CGI my ass.  That was him on stage at Coachella.  Ya’ll ain’t foolin’ me.  He’s making his comeback as a “hologram” so that way when I see his ass out at a club, he can be like “oh it ain’t me, it’s a hologram….or maybe I’m a ghost!”  No sir, I ain’t buying it.  Not one bit.  He’s released more songs AFTER he died than he did while he was living (I have no idea if this is actually true, I made it up and I believe it).  Tupac is back son, and he “ain’t mad at ya.”  Be ready, he’s backkkkk!!

Man look how real this looks!! You think this is a hologram? Shittttt noooo! Oh wait, this is an actual photo...my bad....

Man, Chappelle, you weren’t kiddin’, he still alive!

 

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