Monthly Archives: March 2012

What comes first?

Early morning routine, alarms (7 of em) rings, hit the snooze button (17 times at least, not even kidding), finally drag my ass out of bed and hop (I don’t literally hop, although one day I might try it) into the shower. I’m assuming that most of you go through this same kinda thing in the morning (even though I know that 90% of you don’t shower, ever, you know who you are).  So I don’t know bout y’all but that water gets me to thinking (a dangerous thing I know).  So I contemplate world peace, and ways to better society (more like what am I getting for lunch and when do I get off work).  But today, something else came to mind; as I reached out for the bathroom condiments (body wash and shampoo/conditioner, yes I use Pert Plus, don’t judge me, it keeps my hair silky smooth), I wondered, which one of these am I actually supposed to use first?  My normal routine is shampoo/conditioner first and then the body wash.  I figure start at the top, let the unclean stuff from my hair be cleaned and if it gets on my body, then I’ll use the body wash anyway (simple gravity, thank you Sir Isaac Newton!).  Today I wanted to live on the edge, so I tried the body wash first, then went for the shampoo/conditioner.  It felt weird. And wrong, really wrong.  I felt like I had just cheated on my non-existent wife.  It was that different of a feeling.  So of course to get myself to feel normal again, I immediately then used the body wash again.  Now to me, all is right with the world.  Is there a right or a wrong way? Do people do this any differently? I know I’ve thought of this before and talked to people about it (and I know they all thought I was crazy), but seriously, what is the right way to do it? Maybe if we all start doing the small things ‘correctly’ we can make the world a better place.  Hahaha, nah, that definitely won’t happen.  Does anybody know the answer?!?

Does this picture make anybody else wanna pee too?

Rebounds

In the spirit of ‘March Madness,’ I’ll go with a basketball themed topic today.  Rebounds.  No, I ain’t talking about Dennis Rodman.  Rebounds in the sense of that next girlfriend/boyfriend/object you are hollering at following a relationship.  Apparently there are rules regarding “Rebounds.”  I never understood that though.  You here people say, “you never long term with a rebound, it won’t work.” Umm, technically, isn’t every relationship after your very first relationship a “Rebound?” I mean if you talk to the next chick and she was a rebound, then isn’t the chick after the first rebound chick a rebound to her?  Confusing? I know. But with the dumb logic that people throw out there, I just counter with facts, and the fact is that every follow up significant other is a follow up to the previous one after the very first relationship.  So eventually you do end up getting with a “Rebound.”  I done got your brain all confused yet understanding.  So boys and girls, do not fret, if you’re into that “rebound,” then go up strong with 2 hands and grab that shit before someone else does.  Errybody needs a little lovin’.

Bro, in the end we are all rebounds. Unless you're Cinderella or Snow White (actually, insert any Disney princess) of course, because they find love right away (or they just settle).

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Weekend Recap: Tourney Edition

68 teams entered, 16 teams remain.  After a crazy weekend filled with controversial calls, early upsets (still singing “One Shining Moment”), and no buzzer beaters,  the Sweet 16 is upon us.  Today I’ll honor (most like hate on) the teams that remain by giving  a profile of how each team got there and what to expect of them here on out.  The conference count left so far, 2 SEC, 2 ACC, 4 Big 10, 4 Big East, 2 Big 12, 1 A-10, and 1 MAC. Let the ‘madness’ continue!

South:

1. Kentucky – Defeated 16 seed Western Kentucky (nothing to see here).  Defeated 8 seed Iowa State.  At one point the game was tied at 42, then Kentucky decided to play.  Next up Indiana (who beat UK on a buzzer beater earlier in the year), look for the Wildcats to be gunning for revenge.  Talent wise, this is the best team in the tournament, the whole team is probably going to be in the NBA within the next 2 years.  I can see them advancing to the Final Four and maybe even the championship, but I don’t think the ‘Cats will win it all.  Calipari sold his soul to the devil to have great teams, but the deal was that he can NEVER win a championship. Plus if he did win, the university would have to vacate it in the next 4 to 5 years for some form of cheating that Coach Cal is known for.

4. Indiana – Defeated 13 seed New Mexico State (simple task). Defeated 12 seed Virginia Commonwealth University in a game that came down to the wire.  They were outplayed by VCU, but somehow had the will to advance.  Next up, top seed Kentucky, who they defeated earlier in the year.  Can’t see them winning again.  I see them out the very next game.

3. Baylor – Squeaked by 14 seed South Dakota State.  Beat 11 seed Colorado only because one of their guys hit 9 3-point shots (this kid was 9 for 12 jeezus!).  Team loaded with talent (and by talent I mean idiots).  They could be a title contender except they play to the level of their competition or they don’t play for half of the game. Seem destined to face Kentucky in the Elite 8, but again Kentucky has the edge.

10. Xavier – Upset 7 seed Notre Dame (on a bullshit lane violation call). Outplayed an upstart 15 seed Lehigh (who took it to Duke, they were absolute Le-High on life after that, get it? Man I’m so damn clever).  Despite excellent guard play so far, I see them being bounced in the next game.

West:

1. Michigan State – Walked all over 16 seed LIU Brooklyn.  Had to hold on to beat 9 seed Saint Louis.  MSU has the coach to win it all in Coach Izzo (to me the best tournament coach in college basketball).  The team will go as far as the outside shooting will take them.  When they struggle from the perimeter, they are beatable.  I see them getting to the Final Four to face Kentucky.

4. Louisville – Held on to beat 13 seed Davidson, then held on again to defeat 5 seed New Mexico.  Kudos to the Big East champs for getting this far.  The only kudos you’ll be getting from here on are in the form of those yummy chocolate granola bar.  Bounced by Michigan St. in the next game.

3. Marquette – Thumped 14 seed BYU. Survived 6 seed Murray State in what was probably the most entertaining basketball game of the tournament.  Both teams seemed to employ ‘street ball’ rules and just kept running up and down the court.  In the end Marquette prevailed.  Their game with Florida in the Sweet 16 is a toss up (or maybe a Paper, Rock, Scissors up?)

7. Florida – Absolutely demolished 10 seed Virginia and 15 seed Norfolk State (who played lights out against 2 seed Missouri). They have a great coach (2 national championships) and have shooters and athletes.  Dangerous team to keep an eye on.

East:

1. Syracuse – Referees gave them a win against 16 seed UNC- Asheville (the only time I will ever pull for anything with a UNC in it).  Then pulled away in the second half to beat 8 seed Kansas State.  Before the Fab Melo ineligibility I had thought they’d win it all, and right now they still have the talent to do it.  They will go as far as Boeheim’s 2-3 zone will take them.

4. Wisconsin – Demolished 13 seed Montana.  Squeaked by 5 seed Vanderbilt.  Team is really boring to watch.  Seriously. I don’t think they can beat ‘Cuse, but then again I had them losing to Montana in my bracket.

6. Cincinnati – Had to hold on to beat 11 seed Texas after building a huge lead.  Rallied at the end to beat the ACC champs 3 seed Florida State.  They’ve come a long way since the December brawl with Xavier, but facing another Ohio team in Ohio State means they’ll be heading home with quickness.

2. Ohio State – Beat 15 seed Loyola.  Came out the victor in a dogfight with 7 seed Gonzaga.  They have the talent to win it all so long as Sullinger can stay out of foul trouble.  The Final Four goes through either them or Syracuse for this region.

Midwest –

1. UNC – Beat 16 seed Vermont and 8 seed Creighton pretty ‘hand’ily (hand being the key word now with regards to Henson and Marshall). I hate this team with all my heart.  If they were playing against the Devil himself, I would be cheering for the Devil. The most annoying fan base in all of college basketball.  With Marshall, they are a contender, without him, they are not.  I hope they lose their next game.  What every UNC fan is afraid of at this point is a rematch with conference foe NC State (4th times the charm? Go Wolfpack). Again I can’t say enough how much I want this team to lose.  UNC sucks at life (that’s right the entire establishment).

13. Ohio – Upset 4 seed Michigan and then survived 12 seed USF.  Let’s hope they can upset UNC (forreallsss).

11. NC State – Upset both 6 seed San Diego State and 3 seed Georgetown.  My boys look like they are on a mission to face UNC again (and hopefully win this time).  Talented players with what seems to be low basketball IQ.  They have solid low post weapons, a good 3 point shooter, and a steady point guard.  The problem is getting them all to click at the same time, which still hasn’t happened yet this year.  I pray that ‘one shining moment’ where they all play together is coming up.  Gonna be tough to beat Kansas, but I have faith in my Wolfpack.

2. Kansas – Handled 15 seed Detroit.  Rallied to beat 10 seed Purdue.  Athletes all over the place here.  They present matchup problems for anyone they play. Quickness at the guards, length with the wing players, and solid post play.  I really hope they suck it up in their next game.

(Note to all sports fans, there hasn’t been a buzzer beater yet, so this coming weekend should be incredible.  Until then enjoy a collection “One Shining Moment”)

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Stuck in my head

Dear Diary,

“One shining mommmmmmeeeeeeennnnnnnnnt.”  My bracket done all went to hell, damn.

“Arrested” Development

This just in (like an hour ago), George Clooney was arrested at a protest outside the Sudanese Embassy.  He was there protesting Sudan’s blockage of humanitarian aide and supplies.  He definitely get’s mad props for this EXCEPT for the fact that the whole thing was staged as a publicity stunt.  Clooney, his father, and some random ass congressman set this damn thing up.  Well it worked, people now know bout what you’re protesting.  Just like the Kony (Guy is definitely evil, but there is something fishy with that whole movement) situation, this will blow up via social networking and news outlets, and then when it’s time to actually do something to help the people of Sudan, no one will show up (kinda like that party I threw last Tuesday night, where the hell was everybody? I hate you guys).  So basically next time you want to get a point across folks, just get arrested for the cause (definitely doesn’t work for normal people, my friends and family didn’t bail me out of jail for 3 weeks when I protested the loss of TGIF), or have a famous person do it for you.

I wish I could have someone fake "arrest" me so I'd get in the news and be cool (no seriously, I do kinda wish that).

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I Dare You

So I’ve pretty much stated why this is one of my favorite times of the year (basketball, weather, etc.).  And I guess the only real knock on the Spring is allergies.  Well that and March 17.  You know what that is? Saint Patrick’s Day, aka a day where idiots wear green and get obnoxiously drunk.  Do I hate the Irish? Hell no, I actually love Irish people (their accents and castles are awesome, not to mention without them we wouldn’t have Lucky of ‘Lucky Charms’ fame…man I love that guy). So what’s my problem? Well, it’s the non-Irish who act like the day belongs to them.  Oh you’re not Irish, so why the hell are you partaking in the festivities? Oh for real, you’re wearing green? Why should I care what color your wearing? Oh, you’re gonna pinch me because I’m not wearing green? Do it, I DARE YOU.  Pinch me, see if I don’t smack the shit out of you.  What are we 12? Adults should never pinch other adults. Think about it, when is it acceptable for a grown ass man to pinch another man? The answer, NEVER.  When is it acceptable for a woman to pinch someone else? Only if the someone else is an cute little baby with chubby ass cheeks, that’s it.  So for all you POSERS, who know nothing of what St. Patty’s Day is about, yet indulge in the festivities, do a few things for me. One, read up on it, see what the day is actually about. Two, take it easy if you aren’t of Irish descent, let the real guys celebrate their day.  Three, wear green and drink if you want, just do it around somebody else.  Oh and don’t be a douche and pinch people, seriously don’t.  I can’t reiterate enough how stupid that is, and how if you do it to me (because I will not be wearing green) you will get put in your damn place (‘what did the five fingers say to the face? SLAAAPP”).  So douchebag in green, I dare you.  There I done said it.

Hey, look a rainbow! What's that at the end of it? Gold?!! No?? What the hell? Lucky Charms?? This is BULLSHIT, Lucky, BULLSHIT!! Damn Leprechauns!

(Frosted Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious!!! I hope this jingle is stuck in your head now too.)

Let’s Dance!

Today marks the ‘real’ beginning of the “Big Dance.” The first round ‘First Four’ games are done and we can start with the real party.  The NCAA tournament is probably the greatest month for sports fans.  You get upsets, buzzer beaters, and David beating Goliath.  Each year, there are constants that will occur on the first weekend of the tournament.  These moments are what make the first weekend memorable and give the tourney it’s glory for years to come.  Who doesn’t remember Valpo, Richard Hamilton, or Lorenzo Charles at the buzzer? What about Michael Jordan’s corner jumper, George Mason to the Final 4, or the Fab 5? All of these moments are etched in our proverbial skulls. Every year we get a new champion, but we also get new, fresh memories and moments to be remembered and told to our kids and grand-kids. Just like the laws of physics, the NCAA tourney has it’s own laws, MUSTS for the first weekend, with that being said, here we go:

  1. There will be a buzzer beater in the first weekend.
  2. There will be an overtime game.
  3. A lower seed will knock off a higher seed.  Some big name school will be out to a college located inside a college (think about it).  Pray to God it’s not your team.
  4. Officiating will affect the outcome of one game majorly, usually in the favor of a higher seed (Most likely UNC, Kentucky, Duke)
  5. Announcers yelling out the phrase “can you believe it?” (Obviously we can, it just happened in front of our faces)
  6. Many of your brackets will be shattered, as your National Champ exits as quickly as the tourney starts (Georgetown and Louisville, not happenin’).
  7. Some small player will constantly be showered with the praise of “he’s got a lot of heart.” (Is that an insult on his skill?)
  8. A big time school will be shown to be overrated (ahem, Duke, Kansas).
  9. I will continuously sing “One Shining Moment” in my head (and sometimes out loud) during every game, even though it’s the song reserved for the Champion at the END of the tournament.
  10. ‘NC State Shit’ (coined after my awesome University, look it up on Urban Dictionary) will happen to a majority of the teams.  Could be in the form of a 6 minute 38 seconds scoring drought, or your best player fouling out in the first half, or your best shooter missing all his shots, or blowing a 20 point lead in the second half….really the list goes on.  If your team experiences this, there really isn’t anything you can do except go sit in your room alone and in the dark crying (been there, done that, it’s not fun).  Avoid all sharp objects if any of this happens, just sayin’.
  11. One “Major” conference will be shown to be fraudulent.  I’m looking at you Big East (more like Big Least).

‘It’s the most wonderful time of the year’ (much better fit for this than winter time no?), so make sure you fill out your brackets, show them proudly before the games start, because once the ‘Madness’ begins, some of your picks won’t be dancing no mo.

I could have ended this with so many different songs regarding dancing, but instead I chose one of the greatest “dance” songs of all time. RIP Whitney Houston and Go WOLPACK!!

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What happened to TV?

So this whole IDSIAT bracket idea has made me realize that TV sucks now.  What the hell happened to the good shows?  I can think of 20 1980’s or 1990’s shows that were great, but it took me hours to find 16 good shows on today.  So hate if you must, but it’s not my fault that the world kinda sucks now.

2010-today bracket

1. Game of Thrones vs. 16. NCIS (any of them)

Watch GOT, if you aren’t watching, you are missing out

8. Eastbound and Down vs. 9. Glee

Insanely stupid (in a good way) comedy vs. a musical

4. Hawaii Five-O vs. 13. Weeds

Remake that’s better than the original vs. drug dealing suburbia

5. Chuck vs. 12. White Collar

Two vastly underrated television shows

2. Spartacus vs. 15. Castle

SPARTACUS!!!!!

7. Person of Interest vs. 10. Modern Family

The guy from Passion of Christ and the guy from LOST vs. a bunch of people doing funny things

3. Mad Men vs. 14. The Vampire Diaries

If you like hot chicks, watch these shows, seriously, yumm

6. The League vs. 11. Breaking Bad

Fantasy football friends vs. Meth heads?

(VOTE IN THE COMMENTS SECTION BELOW, YOU CAN STILL VOTE FOR OTHER DECADES)

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Pi Day!!

Happy Pi Day everybody!! If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then you my friend (we aren’t really friends) are an idiot.  Pi Day because today is 3-14 and Pi is the mathematical constant that is the ratio of a circle’s circumference to it’s diameter (or in number terms 3.14 truncated). Some fun facts about Pi (does anybody know where that symbol is on the damn keyboard?):

  1. Pi is an irrational (like women) number
  2. Pi is a never ending number (in decimal form), much like the Energizer bunny, it keeps going and going and going and……
  3. Pi is a Greek letter and it has nothing to do with actual Pie (sorry stoners, sadface)
  4. Pi had a movie named after it.  The movie sucked.
  5. Today at 3:14 PM, if you eat a piece of pie, while solving for the area of a circle (2*Pi*r), and you make a wish, that wish will not come true.

As a math geek, I love Pi.  So I felt it necessary to pay homage to this day.  All of the facts above are true only because I say they are.  If you hate math, then you suck.

The happy couple!

(If you don’t get this picture, don’t talk to me ever again.  Also, how the hell do I make the Pi symbol on the computer??! Seriously!!)

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Rules of the Road

Hey idiot! Yeh, you (“who me, yes you, get into my car”…I had to), the one who doesn’t know how to drive.  I know I harped on what dumb people can and can’t do while they are driving, but today, I’m just gonna go over the ‘Rules of the Road.’  Some of you may have learned some shit in drivers education that makes you think you are qualified to drive, but you sir are sadly mistaken.  There is something else that is necessary for driving, something that no DMV or classroom in the world can provide.  It’s called COMMON SENSE.  As I’ve gotten older I realize that there is a shortage of common sense in the world.  People seem to just get dumber by the day.  “Oh but I’m booksmart!” No, no you are not booksmart, you’re just an idiot.  So I’m gonna go over some things for you guys that should help you understand how not to piss other people (mainly me) off while making your drive (over the river and through the woods) to wherever the hell it is you’re going.

RULES OF THE ROAD (hopefully to be posted at every DMV from this day on)

  1. Speed limit – Hey jackass, that number that tells you the speed limit, that number is the MINIMUM you should be driving, if you are in the passing lane (that’s the LEFT lane for you dumbasses) and driving that number, then be prepared to get hated on and honked at and given the middle finger.  Move over douche, the passing lane is reserved for gunners (aka anyone driving 7 MPH over the speed limit).
  2. At a traffic light – If you are in one of those tricky lanes that splits into a turning lane, and you are going straight, make sure that you pay attention to the cars behind you.  Do not (DO NOT) leave 3 car lengths between you and the car in front of you, when the car behind you needs an inch to be able to turn.  Pay attention to the cars around you, let me make that turn instead of being behind your dumb minivan driving ass.  Seriously, stop listening to the home gardening channel on your radio while nodding your head feverishly and move the hell up.  Also, if the light turns green, for the love of God GO.  Why do you wait til the light turns yellow to move? Why do you wish hate upon yourself?
  3. Weather – If it is drizzling, and you have a problem driving, stay the eff off the road.  It’s idiots like you that cause all of the accidents.  Rule number 1 will always apply even when it’s raining, if you can’t handle that, then you shouldn’t be driving.  I don’t care that you have your hazard lights on, it doesn’t mean you can drive 20 miles under the speed limit.  If it’s snowing and you’re afraid you’ll get stuck, guess what, you’ll probably get stuck.  Stay home, I’m getting sick of helping you out of ditches.  If you have an SUV that doesn’t have 4WD, stay at home, you won’t make it through the night.  Basically, if you’ve ever said “I don’t know if it’s safe to drive in this weather,” guess what, YOU and only you shouldn’t be driving in it.
  4. Old People – I get it, you can’t see over the steering wheel.  I also don’t care.  Move it or lose it gramps.  Statistics show that you guys are one of the leading age groups for car accidents.  If you can’t follow the above rules, find someone to drive you.
  5. Car Accidents – If you see a car accident, keep driving.  I’m not talking about right when it happens, because in that case you should call 911 and then keep driving.  STOP STARING AT THE PILE UP.  There is no reason for me to stop moving while I am on the highway (unless the accident encompasses all of the lanes). Quit your damn rubbernecking. At no point should my speedometer say zero (seriously, I went to school for that shit).  See the accident, avoid the accident, drive normally so that traffic flow can resume.
  6. Switching Lanes – Hey ‘Fast and Furious,’ you aren’t Hollywood.  Vin Diesel isn’t gonna sign you up to be in the 23rd rendition of the movie.  Switch lanes like a normal human being.  If you only have 3 feet between the 2 cars next to you, you’re not gonna fit.  Don’t make one guy slam on his breaks so the 20 cars behind him flip out and do the same thing.  If you wanna be cool and drive all crazy with your neon green car with racing stripes on it, head to Tokyo.  Stay the hell off of the roads assclown.
  7. Signaling – If someone signals and traffic flow is normal, do not be the douche who has been driving slow for the last 30 miles but all of a sudden speeds up so that the guy can’t pass him.  This kind of encompasses rule number 6 as well.  If you are switching lanes, use your signal.  If you live in the Northern Virginia, DC, and Maryland area, quit being a gigantic dipshit and let people pass.  You wanna know why 66, 495 and 395 suck so bad? It’s because of you, it’s all because of you.
  8. Exiting – If you need to take the next exit, be in the RIGHT lane.  Don’t switch over 4 lanes just because you wanted to drive fast.  Quit pissing me off.  You should know where you’re going ahead of time.  Plan ahead, it’s like parenting you know the baby is coming in 9 months just like you know the exit is in 1 mile.  Don’t be stupid.
  9. Cops – If you see a cop, slow down, but don’t completely stop.  He/she is not an idiot.  No car travels 10 mph on the highway.  That signifies guilt more than anything else.  Slowly ease off your accelerator, tap the brakes and get to a speed about 5 to 10 mph less than where you were at.  Does this work all the time? No, but at least you won’t piss people off AND get a ticket.
  10. Drive – Simple right? Not for the morons of the world. By drive, I mean, focus on the road.  Don’t have a face to face conversation with your wife, then slam on breaks when a car switches lanes in front of you 30 yards ahead.  It’s real simple, head focused forward at all times.  I promise you, you can have a conversation without looking at them (guys think of all the times you’ve completely looked past your girlfriend while she’s talking to you/girls think of all the times you don’t look at your boyfriend period when he’s talking).

Now these rules aren’t the end all for driving, but dammit if they aren’t a good start.  If one person tells one other person who tells another person about this, then maybe we can restore common sense (I doubt it). Driving used to be fun, now it’s just annoying.  Let’s bring the fun back together. Remember, I’ll be watching.

This kid has learned at a young age to be an idiot. Stop looking at the kid who fell of his bike.

(If I see any of you doing these things, expect me to follow you home and punch you in the stomach, and walk away with a smile)