Hey idiot! Yeh, you (“who me, yes you, get into my car”…I had to), the one who doesn’t know how to drive. I know I harped on what dumb people can and can’t do while they are driving, but today, I’m just gonna go over the ‘Rules of the Road.’ Some of you may have learned some shit in drivers education that makes you think you are qualified to drive, but you sir are sadly mistaken. There is something else that is necessary for driving, something that no DMV or classroom in the world can provide. It’s called COMMON SENSE. As I’ve gotten older I realize that there is a shortage of common sense in the world. People seem to just get dumber by the day. “Oh but I’m booksmart!” No, no you are not booksmart, you’re just an idiot. So I’m gonna go over some things for you guys that should help you understand how not to piss other people (mainly me) off while making your drive (over the river and through the woods) to wherever the hell it is you’re going.
RULES OF THE ROAD (hopefully to be posted at every DMV from this day on)
- Speed limit – Hey jackass, that number that tells you the speed limit, that number is the MINIMUM you should be driving, if you are in the passing lane (that’s the LEFT lane for you dumbasses) and driving that number, then be prepared to get hated on and honked at and given the middle finger. Move over douche, the passing lane is reserved for gunners (aka anyone driving 7 MPH over the speed limit).
- At a traffic light – If you are in one of those tricky lanes that splits into a turning lane, and you are going straight, make sure that you pay attention to the cars behind you. Do not (DO NOT) leave 3 car lengths between you and the car in front of you, when the car behind you needs an inch to be able to turn. Pay attention to the cars around you, let me make that turn instead of being behind your dumb minivan driving ass. Seriously, stop listening to the home gardening channel on your radio while nodding your head feverishly and move the hell up. Also, if the light turns green, for the love of God GO. Why do you wait til the light turns yellow to move? Why do you wish hate upon yourself?
- Weather – If it is drizzling, and you have a problem driving, stay the eff off the road. It’s idiots like you that cause all of the accidents. Rule number 1 will always apply even when it’s raining, if you can’t handle that, then you shouldn’t be driving. I don’t care that you have your hazard lights on, it doesn’t mean you can drive 20 miles under the speed limit. If it’s snowing and you’re afraid you’ll get stuck, guess what, you’ll probably get stuck. Stay home, I’m getting sick of helping you out of ditches. If you have an SUV that doesn’t have 4WD, stay at home, you won’t make it through the night. Basically, if you’ve ever said “I don’t know if it’s safe to drive in this weather,” guess what, YOU and only you shouldn’t be driving in it.
- Old People – I get it, you can’t see over the steering wheel. I also don’t care. Move it or lose it gramps. Statistics show that you guys are one of the leading age groups for car accidents. If you can’t follow the above rules, find someone to drive you.
- Car Accidents – If you see a car accident, keep driving. I’m not talking about right when it happens, because in that case you should call 911 and then keep driving. STOP STARING AT THE PILE UP. There is no reason for me to stop moving while I am on the highway (unless the accident encompasses all of the lanes). Quit your damn rubbernecking. At no point should my speedometer say zero (seriously, I went to school for that shit). See the accident, avoid the accident, drive normally so that traffic flow can resume.
- Switching Lanes – Hey ‘Fast and Furious,’ you aren’t Hollywood. Vin Diesel isn’t gonna sign you up to be in the 23rd rendition of the movie. Switch lanes like a normal human being. If you only have 3 feet between the 2 cars next to you, you’re not gonna fit. Don’t make one guy slam on his breaks so the 20 cars behind him flip out and do the same thing. If you wanna be cool and drive all crazy with your neon green car with racing stripes on it, head to Tokyo. Stay the hell off of the roads assclown.
- Signaling – If someone signals and traffic flow is normal, do not be the douche who has been driving slow for the last 30 miles but all of a sudden speeds up so that the guy can’t pass him. This kind of encompasses rule number 6 as well. If you are switching lanes, use your signal. If you live in the Northern Virginia, DC, and Maryland area, quit being a gigantic dipshit and let people pass. You wanna know why 66, 495 and 395 suck so bad? It’s because of you, it’s all because of you.
- Exiting – If you need to take the next exit, be in the RIGHT lane. Don’t switch over 4 lanes just because you wanted to drive fast. Quit pissing me off. You should know where you’re going ahead of time. Plan ahead, it’s like parenting you know the baby is coming in 9 months just like you know the exit is in 1 mile. Don’t be stupid.
- Cops – If you see a cop, slow down, but don’t completely stop. He/she is not an idiot. No car travels 10 mph on the highway. That signifies guilt more than anything else. Slowly ease off your accelerator, tap the brakes and get to a speed about 5 to 10 mph less than where you were at. Does this work all the time? No, but at least you won’t piss people off AND get a ticket.
- Drive – Simple right? Not for the morons of the world. By drive, I mean, focus on the road. Don’t have a face to face conversation with your wife, then slam on breaks when a car switches lanes in front of you 30 yards ahead. It’s real simple, head focused forward at all times. I promise you, you can have a conversation without looking at them (guys think of all the times you’ve completely looked past your girlfriend while she’s talking to you/girls think of all the times you don’t look at your boyfriend period when he’s talking).
Now these rules aren’t the end all for driving, but dammit if they aren’t a good start. If one person tells one other person who tells another person about this, then maybe we can restore common sense (I doubt it). Driving used to be fun, now it’s just annoying. Let’s bring the fun back together. Remember, I’ll be watching.
(If I see any of you doing these things, expect me to follow you home and punch you in the stomach, and walk away with a smile)