Monthly Archives: March 2012

Whatuuuuuppp Girrrrlll?

Hellooooo ladies!  I have a question for ya. Do pick up lines still work (did they ever actually work)? Guys, are y’all still using them? My personal favorites are “Girl if you were a booger, I’d pick you first” and “Hey, I forgot my number, can I borrow yours?”  Obviously, they did not work.  But they were at least funny to me. I think the only person these lines ever worked for was Will Smith on the ‘Fresh Prince’ (he was so damn cool in that show). If y’all got funny ones, or ones that are guaranteed to work (seriously, if they work hit me up son!), let me hear ’em.  Or else I’ll be stuck using my most unsuccessful line (and by unsuccessful I mean, I get disgusted looks) “Hey girl, do you have syphilis? Would you like to?” Let’s “pick up” where I left off and leave me some lines (get it, pick up, like pick up lines, ahaha, I am hilarious, seriously, laugh, NOW).

Ahahah, and with this picture, I've found my next pick up line for the Deli (aka Subway...ugh I hate Subway)

Thank me later…

I’m a genius.  Go ahead, everybody say it together (about me, not you).  I’ve come up with yet another great idea; another revolutionary thought that will make the world a better place (for the record, I have no idea if I am using the semicolon properly).  You guys ready? Of course you are!  Here it is….we should add an extra day to the week!  Put it between Saturday and Sunday. I still don’t know what to call it yet, but Epiday comes to mind (short for Epic day). It becomes an extra day to the weekend.  A reward for the working class!  Just shift everything over a day every week.  We’d still have our 5 day work weeks (6 for some us, womp womp), and now we’d be getting that highly coveted 3 day weekend.  Seriously guys, give me a damn pat on the back, give me a cookie, hell give me the key to the mother effin’ city (seriously, I want that big ass key). What could possibly be the negative of this? There isn’t one (unless somehow it causes the world to tilt off axis, and by my calculations, that will not be the case).  Oh man, how glorious life would be.  An extra day of sleep, an extra of chillin’, an extra day of fantastical nothingness!  Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Answer: Because nobody is as smart as me!  This yet again proves why I should be King of the World (hello minions!). Folks, let’s figure out a way to make this happen. Once again I appeal to you to write your senators, neighbors, mayors, presidents, bosses, and clergymen.  Together we CAN do this!  I can’t wait for Epiday!

Look out Sabado, you got a new friend coming your way, and he doesn't speak Spanish yet!

(Actually, go ahead and thank me now!)

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50 Years From Now

50 years from now, the year will be 2062. 50 years from now, we have tons to look forward to.  50 years from now, we will have flying cars, robot servants, and sophisticated homes.  50 years from now is when the “Jetsons” takes place.  I’m gonna wake up in the morning and ‘do less.’  I won’t hit snooze (no lie, hit snooze 14 times today), my bed will strait get my morning started.  I’m pretty sure I’ll still be asleep as the bed pushes me out and onto the conveyor belt, that will then take me to the shower.  As I’m still passed out and done showering, I’ll get a nice shave and then be dressed by those crazy futuristic machines.  I’m pretty sure the flying cars had autopilot too (damn imagine all the extra sleep you’d get in the morning). I wouldn’t have to do laundry ever again, I wouldn’t have to do the dishes, I wouldn’t have to cook, I wouldn’t have to clean.  I’d just go to work (asleep), come back home (asleep), then chill the rest of the time.  Holy crap, it’s gonna be awesome.  50 years from now, I might have a TV show with an incredible theme song.  50 years from now, full time employment is 9 hours a week (George you were an inefficient bastard)! 50 years from now, we will go from being a lazy country, to an extremely lazier country.  50 years from now, equality in the workplace and home can truly happen (men AND women won’t have to do shit).  50 years from now, I’ll be old (God willing I’m still alive) and you will be too,  and it won’t be as fun.  Damn you Jetsons.  I need this shit now.  So for all the nerds, that are inventing shit everyday, can we go ahead and make 50 years from now happen in like 5 years? Yep, thanks, that’d be great.

Not gonna lie, but a real life version of Judy or Jane would be kinda cute? Am I right??

(Hey nerds, I’d still settle for a DeLorean, make it happen)

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Somebody call 911…

Last week, I was walking to get lunch, and I saw a guy on fire running down the street.  He looked kinda cool, so I figured he was doing this as some ploy to get attention. Then it brought back up a memory (faint though it was) of how you are supposed to put a fire out on yourself. Remember “Stop, Drop, and Roll?”  Does it actually work? Is this another thing like cursive (God, cursive you are so damn stupid)? As kids, we used to practice this fire prevention measure in school all the time, it was like our “dance” practice (I’m pretty sure that in some parts of this country it actually IS a dance now).  So anyways, does this actually work? If you were on fire right now, would you stop, drop, and roll?  I wouldn’t.  I’d run around screaming my head off and yelling for water (just like that dude was doin).  I’d prob remove the article of clothing on fire and try to pat it down so the fire would go out (like they do in the movies).  What I wouldn’t do is stop, drop, and roll.  It isn’t on my mind (except for during this blog, or if I’m at a club and tryna get people crunk).  I’m actually pretty sure that if I saw that grown ass man, stopping, dropping, and rolling, that I’d just point and laugh at them.  That’s right, I wouldn’t even help them out.  It’s really weird.  Seriously, stand up right now and stop, drop, and roll.  There, I just did it, I don’t think that would put out a fire.  Does anybody know if they still teach this to the “chilllrens”? What the hell were they teaching us as kids? You know what would be cool to do if someone was on fire? Dropkick and Push.  If stop, drop, and roll is effective, I am 100% sure that “Dropkick and Push” would be even MORE effective.  Imagine this if you will, person running down the sidewalk on fire, they are hysterical, they have no idea what to do, they are nowhere near “Stop, Drop, and Roll”ing.  You see them, and of course there isn’t a water hose or fire extinguisher close by.  You line them up, BOOM, dropkick, then start pushing them across the sidewalk.  I bet that would put that fire out.  And if it didn’t, I bet you’d never forget the time you dropkicked a dude on fire.

Pretty sure this kid would have burned to death. No sense of urgency with the youth today. Bro you're supposed to be on fire, why the hell are you smiling?

(I made that story up at the beginning.  I didn’t see anybody on fire.  If you believed that you are a damn fool.)

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Actions speak louder than words?

In a conversation that has come up before regarding the differences between male and female perception, a rather disturbing scenario was introduced; would you rather walk in on your spouse having sex with another man/woman OR would you rather walk in and hear your significant other telling someone else (whether it be on the phone or in person) that they love them? Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way, BOTH scenarios suck.  The question lies in which one would you rather have (of the suckable scenarios, and YES, you have to pick one).  I’ve seen this scenario presented to many different groups before and I’d say that 99% of the time the answers are the same.  Men will say they’d rather walk in on their wife saying “I love you” to someone else.  Women will say they’d rather catch their spouse in the act.  Now the scenario has a caveat of which of these situations could you live with.  So assume that there is no divorce that follows the suckable offense.  I don’t understand the female angle, and female’s don’t understand the man’s side of it either.  Think about it folks.  Feel free to comment on what you think (it’d be great if you just identified if you were male or female (or both?) if you respond).

Mmmm, Ketchup, you would make me so much more delicious! Ohhh, sorry...umm of course I knew your name was Mustard! Girrllll, I was just playin' with ya...I love you (Ketchup...)?

(Mario Winans is in that 1% of guys who are weird….You better effin’ believe I’d wanna know!  And yes, this song is what sparked the initial conversation)

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Fake ‘n Bake

For all the girls that self tan and come out orange thinking you are hot, you’re not.  Please stop, you’re scaring the ‘chilllrens.’  We all know your pasty ass don’t tan that easy in the middle of winter.  Why do we know this? Because the rest of us didn’t get a tan.  Next time, before you go and cancer yourself up, remember, it’s not hot, and you end up looking like an Oompa Loompa.  That is all.

That's me in the middle, chillin' with some hunnies at the beach...by 'me' I mean Willie Wonka, and by 'hunnies at the beach' I mean stupid chicks at the local JC Penney...

Who came up with this ‘shit’?

A little vulgar on the title huh? Well, it kinda fits with the actual topic, so shut your face!  A while ago I went off on a phrase that pissed me off (‘having your cake and eating it too’), today I’m gonna go off on one that has always confused me. “Don’t be a party pooper”, that’s the phrase.  Why does it confuse me? Better yet, why DOESN’T it confuse you?!?  Where the hell did that expression come from? I understand why people use it, but why? Seriously, why?  Did some guy (most likely named Omar) show up one day to a party, get really pissed off, and rather than enjoy the party, he just shat right there for everyone to see?  Did this action effectively ruin the celebration and cause everyone to go home? Or maybe Omar (just to give the scenario a realistic feel) just really had to go, and the bathroom was occupied, and he just ‘went’ right then and there.  Maybe that’s what caused the party to sour and make everyone leave? I dunno.  I just never understood the saying.  That’s why when people call me a ‘party pooper’ I steadfastly defend myself, because I know DAMN well that I didn’t even go to the bathroom (or in my pants like ‘Omar’).  So next time you use this phrase, please do it accurately.  If you see someone coming out of the bathroom, call them out, be like “bro, why you gotta be such a party pooper?”  They can’t deny it because in fact they are.  But for the guy that’s being lame at the party and ruining it for others, use something else, something more appropriate, you know like “hey bro, you’re such an asshole” (notice the location of the action still stays intact).  Next time a party sucks, and you wanna be ‘that guy’, do it the right way, head to the bathroom, do your thing, and emerge an official Party Pooper (they might even give you a sticker…probably not).  As for me, I’m kinda awesome, so I’d be the “life” of the party, no pooping here (move along there’s nothing to see here).

I wonder if any parties actually give you balloons while you're in the bathroom? Shit, I'd party poop the hell out of that kinda party!

New York Jests

Tim Tebow is a New York Jet.  Wow.  Now the team that already had a quarterback who couldn’t throw the ball has, get this, ANOTHER quarterback who can’t throw the ball.  I have no idea why the Jets would make this trade, unless Dr. Frankenstein somehow works for them.  Maybe he could take Tebow’s ‘will’, Sanchez’s looks, and maybe their kickers throwing arm?  This move is stupid for the Jets, and the media is just gonna run wild with this.  For every Mark “Pick 6” Sanchez mistake, the fans will be clamoring for Tebow.  New York was already loud and obnoxious, I don’t think anybody is ready for what’s coming next.

Sanchez: "Hey bro, is there anyone on this team that can throw the ball?"
Tebow: "NOT IT!!"

Simple Joys

Today, I’m gonna be a little positive (surprising right? And no, this isn’t a guest blog).  I wanna talk bout the little things, that for some reason make us so happy, when in reality they have no ‘grand scheme’ significance. So one of those things, fries found at the bottom of the bag.  I know I’m not the only person who thinks it’s awesome when after we are done with our food, we go to look at the bag before throwing it away and TA DAAAA more fries (the inner fat kid in us all rejoices)!! The fries are probably luke warm at best, but man oh man, when you are still just a little hungry those extra 5 or 6 fries can do the damn thang for your appetite. Another simple joy that can’t be quantified, catching all green lights when you may be running late.  When you tell someone about this they won’t give it it’s proper due, but if they were in your shoes, oooohhh baby, it’d be one of the best mornings ever! What about when you’re bored as shit, and there is nothing on TV, til you flip to like TBS/TNT and “Back to the Future” is on (seriously this movie is incredible, “1.21 Jiggawatts!”).  Obviously there are more, but I’m kinda leaving this to be open ended.  When you read this, you’ll immediately think of your own ‘simple joys’ and probably smile and nod to yourself.  I’m just tryna bring a little positive energy today (contrary to my friends beliefs, you know who you are asshole!).  Feel free to comment with any of your own ‘simple joys’ (or be selfish and keep them to yourself, God, you’re such a jerk).

Yummm, now if only there were Blow Pops in this bag I'd be in heaven!

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That little surprise at the end

There are some things in life that will bring you joy that can’t be quantified.  For some it’s that special someone, a family member, a best friend, a pet, or maybe even a vacation.  For me, it’s a Blow Pop.  Seriously, these things are incredible.  It starts off as a delicious lollipop and as you get sad that your lollipop is coming to an end, and all that deliciousness won’t be there for you anymore, BOOM! Surprise bitches, you got yourself a piece of gum.  If you are lucky you might get reminants of the actually lollipop part mixed into the gum, and woooo boy, if that’s that case you are one fortunate son of a gun.  Now, there is one downside to the Blow Pop, the gum flavor literally only lasts for about 18.3 seconds.  Come on Charms (the company that makes them, get with it people), figure out a way to make your product unstoppable.  Find gum that will last for at least 10 minutes, please!  I guarantee you that sells will increase by 8 billion percent.  Everyone will be having a Blow Pop when you see them.  I envision a world where Blow Pops are king (or maybe prince, since I will be king of the world).  We would have Blow Pop parties, and when the moment of transition from lollipop to gum happens, SHAZAAAM, everybody rejoices aloud and there will be much happiness and little sorrow. Ahh, that’d be the life, you can’t beat happiness and delicious, you just can’t.   So as I sit here enjoying my 19th Blow Pop of the day, I appeal to you all to get back on this Blow Pop kick (you know damn well you were doing work on these things in the 3rd grade), and write letters to Congress requesting that they put better gum inside.  It’s the little things that matter people.  With us having Congress/President/neighbors/homeless guy on the street/smelly guy on the metro/sisters (pretty much same as smelly guy on the metro) all supporting this cause, we CAN make a change, we CAN get better gum, we CAN make me even happier, and maybe, just maybe we can then all live in peace (investing in Blow Pops now before the company goes ‘Apple’ on everyone).

I wish I had this costume (sadface). I'd be so delicious!

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