Monthly Archives: February 2012

Tiger Woods is sneaky y’all….

Now we know how he did it!! We wondered how Tiger Woods kept his affairs with ALL of those women (when I say ALL, if you are a woman reading this, you are being included in the count) a secret for all those years.  Well now we figured it out!! A book by Tiger’s former coach Hank Haney, ‘The Big Miss’ has all the juicy details (and by juicy I mean boring, because it’s a book about golf, so I’ll just go with my imagination regarding what I think the Navy SEALs portion is about). My man was tryna be a Navy SEAL!  Haayyyy Tiger, I see you baby (shakin’ that ass {sorry I had to}).I personally don’t see him as the combat type, but I think he was all in on learnin’ to sneak around on his SUPERMODEL wife (damn, he’s an idiot) without getting caught.  Tiger was apparently giddy like a school girl when it came to the military and he even went and trained in Fort Bragg, North Carolina for a few days back in 2004.  I can envision him now, sneaking up on terrorist cells across the world.  Here’s the play by play:

“Here’s Tiger, with his golfball grenade on the tee, the wind is blowing about 7 mph out of the south/southeast.  It’s about  587 yards to the target.  If I was him, I’d lay it up a little short to stop any kind of getaway by the bad guys, then sprint 200 yards, and follow it up with an approach shot that’s right at the pin/bad guys leader’s forehead.  It’s a difficult shot, but Tiger knows pressure, don’t you remember the Masters? He’s like Rambo, with a putter.  He’s a lean, mean, Par 4 killin’ machine”

For all we know, he is a Navy SEAL and that’s why he’s sucked ever since he got caught cheating aka was revealed to be a Navy SEAL so they had to cover it all up (it’s all a conspiracy I tell you!).  With a little bit of help from some informants, I was able to obtain some action shots of El Tigre while in combat. Enjoy!

This is Tiger hangin’ out with his boys right before a mission.

Tiger DURING a mission (I paid a TON of monopoly money for this one).

The movie poster for the REMAKE of NAVY SEALS with Charlie Sheen.

Errybody who done seen the Leap Day say YEAAHHHHHHH

Oh hells folks, we got us an ‘extra’ day this year.  If you’re born on this day, you are 4 times as young as everybody else by my calculations.  Who needs the fountain of youth when you only get a birthday every 4 years? I swear I’d be pissed if I wasn’t getting awesome birthday presents. Talk bout cheap friends and family, you only gotta spend on me every 4 years and you STILL just got me a birthday card with a $10 gift card to Olive Garden (I don’t even like Olive Garden, I HATE YOU GUYS!).

Anyways, let’s get to the real reason for this post, LEAP mother effin’ DAY.  From timeanddate.com:

“According to an old Irish legend, or possibly history, St Bridget struck a deal with St Patrick to allow women to propose to men – and not just the other way around – every 4 years. This is believed to have been introduced to balance the traditional roles of men and women in a similar way to how Leap Day balances the calendar.”

Ladies, you know what this means right? If that deadbeat boyfriend of yours hasn’t manned up and proposed, you can now take all the power in the relationship, wear the damn pants if ya know what I mean.  If “yo man” says no, then you know where that relationship was heading (I’m free for a rebound date though if you need it!). And for any hunnies who don’t got a man, or who I was maybe supposed to be hollerin’ at but didn’t know, get at me son! What’s the worst that can happen? I say no? You won’t know if you don’t try. You can reach me at 678-999-8212 (Kiss me thru the phonnnneeee).  I’ll be waitin patiently (wink face, heart, flowers).

XOXO

(If anybody actually calls that number trying to reach me, we weren’t meant to be, and in all seriousness, you are an idiot.)

3 Signs that the End of the World is Near

Lately I’ve started worrying more and more about the end of the world.  With this comes inner reflection, reaching out to others for explanation, and covering my ears and curling up in the fetal position crying.  Was I deeply touched by something spiritual? Did something life altering happen? No. I just turned on the radio and kept hearing the shrieks of these evil demons emerging from the far reaches of Hades.

1. Lady Gaga –  She scares the shit out of me. If someone told me that Lady Gaga was coming over to a party, I would probably pee myself out of fear of death.  Have you seen the way she dresses? Seriously, what the hell is she wearing? Does she own a normal outfit? Her chanting music just furthers her ties that the end is near. Just sayin’ if she plans a party on December 12, 2012, you gotta think somethings up right? Right?!?

2. Ke$ha – Really? A dollar sign in you name? If Diddy wasn’t your hookup, nobody on this planet would pay any attention to you.  Seeing as how she is part of the Diddy machine, we are subject to seeing her cracked out and with makeup smears all over her face.  I don’t know if that’s her look, or if she just doesn’t have any real friends telling her that she shouldn’t go out in public like that. She scares me for different reasons than Gaga, mostly because I’m just afraid Ke$ha would be that angry girl that would just stab people with infected syringes like in those psycho movies (if it happened in the movies then it’s happened in real life somewhere at some point!).

3. Nicki Minaj – Did you see her at the Grammy’s? Did you see her performance? I’m pretty sure if the Ghostbusters were real they would have been there with their proton packs strait blasting away at this demon child. What was she thinking? Is she a Freemason? Do Freemasons even do that? What do Freemasons actually do? Seriously what do they do??

I’m not gonna lie, I’m legit scared of all 3 of these people and their ties to the impending Day of Judgment.  Keep listening to their music at your own risk, but when Satan comes out on tour with these divas and makes you part of his zombie army, I’ll be hiding away in a secret government bunker out in Denver, sayin’ I told you so!!

Bringin’ back the Urkel

Now let me start this off by saying that I do not watch this show (anymore).  But this season I might just watch it for one reason and one reason only, Steve Quincy Urkel. Dancing with the Stars announced it’s cast for Season 14, and aside from a few interesting people, the ‘dancers’ are pretty boring.  This season will include ‘Family Matters’ star Jaleel White, Green Bay Packers wide receiver Donald Driver, singer Gavin DeGraw, ‘Extra’ hottie/co-host Maria Menounos, singer Gladys Knight, ‘The View’ co-host Sheri Shepherd, actress Melissa Gilbert, Disney personality Roshon Fegan, former tennis great Martina Navratilova,  actor Jack Wagner, actor William Levy, and opera singer Katherine Jenkins.

If you’re like me, you probably saw the names Urkel, Donald Driver, and Maria Menounos and wondered why the hell anyone else even cared about any of the other people on the show.  If Jaleel plays it right and doesn’t let Stefan Urquelle show up, he’s got the upper hand on everyone else in the competition.  I’m just sayin if he doesn’t do the “Urkel” on this damn show, there are going to be tons of pissed off former TGIF fans (myself included).

Doin’ the damn Urkel!

National Pancake Day!

Today is National Pancake Day and the good folks at IHOP are giving away FREE PANCAKES!!  How awesome is that? Homeless people and college students unite!!  But in all seriousness, it’s for a good cause and DID I MENTION IT’S FREE PANCAKES!!  So get your cup of syrup and pour it on home!! GO Team IHOP!

‘Since beginning its National Pancake Day celebration in 2006, IHOP has raised nearly $8 million to support charities in the communities in which it operates. On February 28, 2012, guests from around the country are invited to celebrate National Pancake Day at IHOP and enjoy a free short stack of Buttermilk pancakes. In return for the free pancakes, guests are asked to consider leaving a donation for Children’s Miracle Network Hospitals© and other designated local charities.’

http://www.ihoppancakeday.com/

Who would you rather have on your team?

Sometimes when we evaluate a player’s greatness we put too much emphasis on their size, their athleticism, and their star power.  Not here, not now, I’m using facts and statistics to make a comparison between 3 of the top “Bigs” in the NBA.

Here are their per game averages:

Player 1: 25.0 Points, 14.0 Rebounds, 0.53 Blocks, 1.00 Steals

Player 2: 21.4 Points, 11.4 Rebounds, 0.77 Blocks, 0.81 Steals

Player 3: 20.1 Points, 15.3 Rebounds, 2.20 Blocks, 1.46 Steals

Based on these numbers, offensively you would select Player 1, and defensively you would go with Player 3. Next I’ll give you their build:

Player 1: 6’10”,  260 lbs

Player 2:  6’10”,  251 lbs

Player 3:  6’11”,  265 lbs

Did you guess who the 3 players are yet?

Player 1 – Kevin Love, Player 2 – Blake Griffin, Player 3 – Dwight Howard.

So what is the point of all this? Well because I’m starting to think that maybe Dwight Howard isn’t that once in a generation talent combination of athleticism and skill that we are all putting him on a pedestal of being.  I love the guy as a player, and he seems like a good dude, but damn, he should definitely be averaging more points per game and be that game changer on the offensive end.  No offense Dwight, (get it, no Offense) but you could do better.

Side note, I  just got a ton of more respect for Kevin Love after doing this research (the guy even shoots 3’s!).

What does ‘Beyond’ entail?

Aside from being the best store ever, the question “Hey does anybody wanna go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond with me?” is one of the greatest and most effective pick up lines of all time.   Think about it.  So I was at my local Bed, Bath, and Beyond the other day shopping because of it’s fantasticalness (it’s my blog, I can make up words, shut up).   So I walked around the store checking out the awesomeness that is BBB and really wanted to buy pretty much everything I saw (but I digress).  So I go ask one of the ladies that works there for a globe.  She looks at me a little funny and is like “sir, we don’t sell that here.”  So after a little back and forth, she goes, “I guess you thought that was part of the ‘Beyond’ huh?” I hadn’t actually thought of that before, but her asking it  had me curious.  So I asked her what does the ‘Beyond’ actually stand for? She couldn’t tell me (that’s customer service for you).  She did venture to say the the ‘Beyond’ did not mean drugs or alcohol (glad we got that out the way captain obvious).

So, what the hell does the ‘Beyond’ in their name actually mean?  Does it stand for ‘beyond necessary’? Half the stuff I buy from there I don’t need but for some reason I want it? Or maybe it’s ‘beyond my control’ because when I am there shopping, I never take a list and just pretend I am in an old episode of ‘Supermarket Sweep’ gladly sliding my arms across shelves to fill my shopping cart with BBB goodies…..

Chalk up the meaning of ‘Beyond’ to another one of the world’s great mysteries like where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Seriously, does anybody know?

Something stupid people say

You know how we all have those sayings we hate to hear? And we hate it because it doesn’t make any sense. One of those is this stupid saying “you can’t have your cake and eat it too.”  Really? I can’t? First off who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can’t do with my cake? Second, why the hell do I have a DAMN CAKE if I ain’t gonna eat it?  Seriously, what do you want me to do with the cake? Share it? NO! It’s mine and I want cake! Take a picture of it? NO! Why would I do that? So that I can remember the awesome time I had a delicious cake but couldn’t eat it?

So next time you are trying to make a point and want to use this phrase, don’t, just don’t.  Stupid people of the world, shut up!

As Jay-Z once said “It’s like having my cake and eating it to, shit I got cake, what the f@#$ I’m ‘posed to do”

(And I don’t even like Jay-Z….smh)

Throwback Monday Song of the Day

22 years later, I’m bringing this song back.  What happened to these guys? Why did we ever think it was cool to wear overalls without a shirt under it? Why was it socially acceptable for children to be doing pelvic thrusts?  Why does Iesha look 3-4 years older than these guys? Is there really a TV station called BIV TV?  Is it really safe for kids to be dancing in an abandoned warehouse?  Why can’t other girls be as cool with Cereal on a first date like Iesha?

Will we ever know the answers to any of these questions? Probably not.  But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to hang out with IEEEEESSSSHHHHHHAAAAA.

He done done it again!

In trying to change things up a little bit, LeBron James waited until 18.1 seconds were left in the 2012 All-Star game to turn into “Old LeBron”.  With the East trailing by 2 and inbounding the ball at half court the “King” got the pass dribbles for a few seconds then passes to an open Deron Williams for a 3 off of a screen.  Williams shot was nowhere close to going in, leaving a mad scramble for the ball, where AGAIN LeBron gets the ball and being the phenomenal closer that he is, takes the shot and….wait, no he doesn’t.  He passes it, AGAIN, but this time to the other team.  Needless to say another late game failure for King James.  His supporters will say “oh well it’s an All-Star game who cares?” and for the shortsighted that is true, but what this shows more than anything is that in a game of the BEST, he again is the BEST at deferring in the crunch time.  If you want to act like the greatest player, you kind of have to start acting like it when it matters. Can we just stop calling him “King” and start a  “Court Jester” nickname, because this guy is a clown in the crunch time.

“I can’t turn the ball over like that,” James said. “I let my team down, but overall, it was a great weekend.”  Yep, that’s right CJ (see above for the nickname), you let your team down….again.

For the Highlights (or Lowlights if you’re LeBron) start at 3:28 in this clip:

Quotation  from The Associated Press was used in this post.